Drowning In Mermories

chapter 1: drowning in memories

It was dark and cold. All I could see was a faint light that was coming from above. Something was pushing me down but I couldn't resist it. My mind wasn't focused on the present. I wasn't thinking, wasn't talking and wasn't responding. Where the hell I was?

And then it all suddenly made sense. The wetness and coldness around me was the water. I was underwater and I couldn't escape it. I tried to breathe but instead of oxygen, water filled my lungs and the terror took over. My mind went into panic mode and I began moving around arms and legs. At least I was trying to.

And then I felt it. The cold and ugly hands of them were grabbing me and pushing me down. I had heard about the Inferis but I never thought they were real. I never did until now. They were very real and weren't letting me go. They were thought to be the souls of those, who also had found death in this isolated place. Desperate souls that were trying to escape these cursed waters but would never manage to do so. As the time passed, the dark energy and magic of this cave had turned them into disgusting and terrifying creatures, ready to take whoever made the terrible mistake to come here.

I couldn't judge them because I had made the same terrible mistake. All the events of the last hours came back in my mind at the speed of light. Voldemort, the locket, the potion. Horcruxes. I had to find them and destroy them. At least this had been my plan but it wasn't anymore. I remembered every second of the last hour. How I had cut my hand and used my blood to pay for my enter. The way the potion stood there daring me to drink it. And I did it because it was the only way to take the locket. The sight of the locket would be the best feeling under other circumstances. The heirloom of Salazar Slytherin. There had been no records of it for the past centuries. And here it was now used for one of the darkest purposes. The creation of a Horcrux was a forbidden field of the magic. Forbidden even for dark wizards.

How had I fooled myself like this? I was usually smart and cunning. But never naive. And here I was thinking that I could destroy horcruxes at the mere age of 18. Well, it didn't turn out very good, did it? No, this only ended with me slowly dying in a lake all alone. My younger self would be so disappointed in me. I always imagined my death would be peaceful and I would be surrounded by the people I loved. It would only happen when I would be really old and I would have lived my life to the fullest. But now I was dying at eighteen. Alone and with nobody left in my life. My only company in the last moments were the Inferis. They were calling me to go. I could see them awaiting for me and I was terrified. I would be always remembering as the Heir of The Noble and Ancient house of Blacks, a deatheater, and a coward. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I wondered if anyone would ever learn what happened here tonight. My last rebellious act. The chances were nobody would ever learn this. It would be left out of the pages in history books. Would somebody even notice I was gone? Would somebody even search for me? Probably no. I had nobody in my life anymore.

There are two people in this world that I never stopped caring about. Although, it had been two years since I last saw them or spoke to them, my love for them hadn't faded a bit. My brother, Sirius and I won't say my ex boyfriend because we were never just boyfriends. We were meant to be together. We were soulmates. The sun and the star. James was perfect. I never stopped loving him but I destroyed everything we had. Sirius and James. Did they still care about me? I want to believe they still did. But even if they didn't, it's not like it would matter. They had moved on with their life. James had a new girlfriend and the last thing I had heard about them was that they were engaged. He was happy and that's all that mattered to me. Sirius had also an amazing boyfriend, Remus, and they lived together. I had also moved on and had isolated my feelings for them for a long time. In the dark path I took no feelings or weaknesses were allowed. They were two things that could destroy you and get you killed.

The only signs our paths were crossed, were my memories. They existed in the back of my mind and filled my heart with love. I didn't want to let go of these memories. They existed because I was alive. But soon enough I would die. And suddenly they would vanish into thin air. I would become myself a distant memory for them. I don't know if I would be a memory they were trying to forget or not but I would be happy either way. I am just glad it happened. Playing with Sirius as kids, my first meeting with James, the secret meetings under the stars and the quick glances at breakfast. Passionate kisses, muffled laughs and endless hours of talking. Playing Quiddich with Sirius, watching the stars together even though he hated them because they reminded him of our family, and running around in our animagus forms. In these 18 years of misery and sadness, I had at least these memories, that were helping me continue living. And now they would help me embrace death.

I wanted to see James, hug him and kiss him. Just one time before I take my last breath. Apologize to him and tell him how much I loved and cared about him. My death would never be peaceful if I couldn't do it. And it seems like I wouldn't so I just needed to accept it. Fuck, why was it so hard to let go of him? My biggest regret in life was the day I broke up with him. He had begged me to stay, even fell on his knees and pleaded me with tears in his eyes. He reassured me that he could and would help me. We could get through this together. But I couldn't think clearly, my sleeve was rolled up and the dark mark was showing. I would never forget the look he gave me when he saw it. It wasn't angry but sad and disappointed. I knew that if he didn't let me go, I would have to do it. It hurted so much to leave him but it would have hurted way more if I had stayed. I had never lied to him until that day. I said I took the mark willingly. Of course this wasn't true but I needed to make him hate me. I never succeeded on this. He never hated me. Even as I reached for my finger and took off the ring he had once gifted me. He wasn't angry and that was making it more difficult for me. I held the ring on my hand and I gave him one last look. He had a faint smile on his face.

"I'm sorry. I hope you'll find someone, who will care about you and love you. You'll grow up, marry and have your own family. That's what you deserve. I always loved you but we were the right people at the wrong time" These were the last words I ever said to him. I remember how I had to resist going and hug him. I knew I would regret it but I also knew it would keep him safe. He couldn't be with a deatheater. It would ruin his life. He nodded, with an understanding look on his face. He, also, knew it would never end well but he was a person, who was always dreaming. He kept believing in us until the last moment. I had thrown the ring down, a silver ring that had our initials engraved on it, a symbol of our love. The way I dropped it on the ground was also a symbol. It represented the end of our relationship.

"Life will continue and things will change. But my love for you will always stay the same. I'll always remember you and cherish the moments we shared. I'm glad I could be a part of your life at least for a while. This isn't the end. We'll meet again in another life. Until then, goodbye my starlight. I love you" These were the last words I heard from him before I closed the door behind me. It was done and there was no turning back. I cried a lot that night. And the night after that and every night that followed. Late hours in my bed, he was always visiting me in my dreams. Other times the dreams were happy and other times they were sad. But he never left me alone. I could always feel his presence even if he wasn't there.

And now as the inferis were wrapped around me and were dragging me away from the surface, away from life, I could still feel him being with me. I imagined him being the one with his arms wrapped around me. He would reassure me, telling me not to be scared and kiss me. This was how I always wanted it. And now I suddenly wasn't scared anymore. Death seemed like an escaping from the pain and suffering of this world. And I wanted it. Now I was ready to accept it. I couldn't fight anymore. I was weak and tired even though I was only eighteen.

They say life starts when you're born but my life started the day I met James. He gave meaning in my life and showed me what happiness meant. I recalled today's date for some reason. It was the 28th of August. What and ironic day to die. Today the sun and the star of Regulus were aligned. But I was leaving the world, I was leaving my sun.

If I had one wish, I would go back in time. I would never make the same stupid choices. I would leave with Sirius. I would never break up with James. I would join the Order of the Phoenix and I wouldn't die alone here. I would clearly never be able to that. Perhaps, James was right.

Maybe in another life...

Me and him. Just us. Together for eternity.

I'm sorry Sirius. If only I had been brave enough like you. I'm sorry James. If only I had been better at love.

My last thoughts were these. I felt like I needed to apologize. I knew they would be so pissed if they ever knew that. They hated when I apologized but I owed it to myself and them.

And like that, with James in my mind I closed my eyes and stopped fighting. I took one last breath and this was the end. The world faded to black and the Inferis dragged me completely down.

The sun kept shining proudly but the star had dimmed out.