pogue on pogue macking

I look through the windows of this love Even though we boarded them up

Kiara's pov

As another week passes things with pope slowly return to normal, it's still slightly awkward at times more so between the boys than with me, JJ's usual offhanded sexual jokes suddenly aren't appropriate anymore and i can tell pope is keeping an eye on his demeanour whenever we speak to each other. Don't get me wrong I'm so glad we're all friends again, I really am but things between JJ and I have shifted again, this time to an uncomfortable tension. We avoid sitting next to each other if we can, when we do we make sure our thighs don't touch. If we happen to catch each other's gaze it's only for a split second before one of us awkwardly looks away.

It hurts so fucking much because all I want to do is be close to him again. I'm painfully aware that I'm in love with him and I know it's ridiculous because even if he did feel the same way it could never happen, especially not now. We'd finally gotten our friendship with pope back on track, there was no way we'd risk that again. The only problem is, the more i try to push my feelings away the stronger they become, the more I think about him, crave him and the harder it gets to convince myself he's just a friend and nothing more.

It's a Saturday night and we're at a stupid kegger at the boneyard because I thought it would be a good idea, help us all loosen up a little you know?

how wrong I was.

My throat burns as my slam back my third shot of vodka, my eyes fixed on JJ and the very chesty blonde he's dancing with a few feet away on the makeshift dance floor. I feel physically sick and it's not from the alcohol, his hands are resting on her hips as she snakes hers around his neck toying with his hair in a flirty manner, giggling at something he'd said.

Pope was over by the bonfire talking to some kids from school about how the three of us are planning on returning Monday, when id left him to go and find something to drink and that's when I'd spotted him with her. I have no right to be jealous, I know that but I can't help it, I am. I'm so fucking jealous that I can't move so I don't. I stand here taking drink after drink, shot after shot just watching them.

Its not like I want to look but I just can't pull my eyes away and then suddenly he looks up and our eyes meet, this time he doesn't look away but I do. Turning to down one more shot I then aggressively throw the empty cup into the nearby trash can and storm away down the beach without looking back

"Kie wait"

I don't have to look back to know who's followed me.

No no no ignore him keep walking.

So that's exactly what I do until,

"Kiara! Please-shit I'm sorry okay? Just-can you stop walking so damn fast?"

I finally stop and whip my head around, probably a bit too quickly because I sway on the spot before speaking with a low chuckle despite the tear trickling down my cheek

"Sorry about what exactly JJ?" I wipe the tear away harshly with the back of my hand before adding in a smaller voice "you've done nothing wrong"

He searches my eyes, a sad expression on his face before reaching up and gently wiping another tear from my face, his hand lingers on my cheek and I let my eyes flutter closed, just for a moment.

"if that's true kie, why are you crying?"

I reach up and pull his hand away from my face, avoiding his eyes "look, I'm drunk, it doesn't matter okay? just go back to your little hook up"

He just steps closer and and lifts my chin, forcing me to look at him again "kie you know I don't want her. just tell me to stay here with you and instead and I will, tell me that's okay, tell me this" he gestures between the two of us and takes another step closer, eyes flickering to my lips and back up to my eyes "tell me this meant something, god please tell me this fucking meant something Kiara"

I want to cry, scream, pull my hair out, and throw my arms around him and kiss him all at the same time because he does feel the same way and yet we can't fucking do anything about it. We can't.

I squeeze my eyes shut because I'm afraid if I look into his for a second longer I might kiss him

"Kie-"

"Yes JJ of course it fucking meant something" I open my eyes and our gaze locks "it meant everything"

He kisses me.

I melt into it for a few seconds unable to help myself, his lips far too warm, far too inviting not to. But then I gently pull away.

"Jay you know we can't" I whisper, our faces still close every small movement causing our noses to brush.

His brows knot together as if he is loosing the battle he is obviously fighting in his head.

"Kie, I'm in lo-"

Chills spread through my entire body and I let out a tiny gasp as I quickly lift a finger to his lips because I simply cannot bare to hear those words from him right now and be expected not to kiss him or let's be real, drag him a little further down the beach and strip us both of our clothing.

"No, don't say it" I whisper as I slowly remove my finger from his lips "you can't"

He shifts back a little swallowing visibly, gaze drifting over to the ocean I can't be sure but I think his eyes are shinier than normal, is he crying?

"Jay" I reach a hand out to touch his arm but he shifts again, refusing to look at me and suddenly his demeanour changes completely

"No, your right" he says before clearing his throat loudly and taking another step away from me "that-that was stupid"

I watch him sadly as he runs a flustered hand through his messy blonde locks

"Jay.."

"Nah, really, blame the booze I'm wasted, just forget i said anything alright?"

I feel the tears pricking at my eyes once again but I blink them away as best I can, force a nod and offer my hand out initiating the pouges hand shake, he pauses for a moment and I wonder if he's going to ignore me but then he takes a step closer and we do the handshake, letting our hands linger together at the end, our eyes locked in a sad, longing gaze for a few extra seconds before we step away from one another and both head back to the party.

I make sure to walk a few paces behind him once we get closer, not wanting pope to see us returning together and get the wrong idea but as we approach i can see that he is still fully engaged in a deep conversation with the same people i had left him with. I watch as JJ walks over to join him grabbing a beer from the keg on his was past and downing in all in one go. I'll admit I'm happy to see he didn't go back to the girl he'd been dancing with but he looks awful, downright miserable and I can't help but wonder if all this is worth it?

We got our friend back but lost something else, something that didn't get a chance to really even begin.

Is it greedy to think I could have it all? A friendship with pope and something more with JJ?

Am I foolish to believe Pope would eventually get over it and it would all turn out okay in the end?