Five months (One-shots)

I love you but... I can't do it (part 4)

- Please, please don't go away. Were the only words that came out of the blonde's mouth.

- Maya! A small scream was heard from inside the place and within seconds a small body crashed into Maya's legs, hugging her tightly. - Why are you here? asked the little girl looking up, her smile disappeared immediately when she saw the tears on the blonde's face. - Why are you crying? Are you hurt? Mamma can fix you, she's a doctor. Exclaimed the little girl taking Maya's hand in hers, her little bracelet brushing against Maya's wrist. - Right mamma? She added this time looking at Carina hopefully.

- Yes baby I'm a doctor but i dont think i can fix her. Whispered Carina bending down to Andrea's level. - But let's do something, you can go back inside to play and I'm going to do my best to help Maya, okay?

Andrea nodded and quickly turned and hugged Maya again, surprising both women again. - Bye Maya, I hope you get better. She added before running off to her room.

- You found them? Carina whispered, pointing lightly to the pile of photos.

Maya took a deep breath wiping away the tears that were falling down her cheek, with all the strength she could find at that moment she approached Carina, clutching the photographs in her hands.

- Carina, don't take her away from me, please. Pleaded the blonde.

- Maya, I'm sorry, but you walked away by yourself. 

Christmas one year later...

- Are you ok? Vic asked as she watched Maya check her list for the fifth time.

- No, i mean yes but i'm so nervous. Replied Maya, breathing heavily.

- You don't have to, everything is going to be fine. Vic added, trying to reassure her.

- It doesn't have to be fine, it has to be perfect. Added Maya, going over each item on her list again point by point.

- She's going to love it, even if it's not perfect.

- It's her first Christmas, it has to be perfect.

- Maya, it's not her first Christmas. Vic added, rolling her eyes.

- You know what I mean, her first Christmas with me. Maya clarified.

- Ok, breathe. Said Victoria taking the blonde by the shoulders. - Everything here is perfect, now go and get ready, she'll be here soon. Smiled Victoria, pushing the blonde towards her office. 

Everyone at Station 19 was going to celebrate Christmas Eve together as a family. A big dinner, with all kinds of food and desserts was planned. Maya had made sure everything was perfect, the perfect decorations, a varied menu with food for all tastes, games planned for the children, music and drinks for the adults. Maya had made sure of every detail.

- Are you ready? Carina asked as she finished putting on her shoes.

- Yes, I'm so excited! Andrea exclaimed excitedly. The little girl could see from her reflection in the mirror how Carina's face suddenly changed. 

- Are you mad? Asked the little girl, sitting down next to her mother.

- No bambina, why would i be mad?

- Because I'm not going to spend Christmas with you, you and I always spend Christmas together. Smiled Andrea taking Carina's face in her little hands.

- I know and I'm going to miss you so much, but I'm glad to see you so happy. Smiled Carina, giving her a tender kiss on her cheek.

- Why can't you come too? Everyone will be there. The little girl added hopefully.

- We have to go now if you don't want to be late. Said Carina taking her purse and leaving the room, totally avoiding the question. 

Maya was pacing around her office, running up and down as she fiddled with the charm on her bracelet. She was so nervous, after so many years, she was finally feeling the excitement of the holidays again. When she was a child Christmas was not something to celebrate, her father always made sure that Christmas Eve dinner was held in complete silence and controlled every portion Maya ate, then everyone went to their rooms. The next day instead of waking up and waiting for presents from Santa Claus like all the kids in her school class, Maya woke up at 5 am to train and if she managed to please her father when she got home she would find a present with her name on it, usually running shoes or something that would be useful for her training. Everything changed when she met Carina, the holidays at Carina's side reminded her of the joy of living, the joy of sharing with the people you love the most in life. A small smile formed on her face as she remembered her first Christmas with Carina, the two of them cuddling on the couch, drinking hot chocolate and eating cookies prepared by the Italian, while watching one of those cliché Christmas movies that Maya would never have decided to watch if not for Carina's sad puppy dog eyes that she could never say no to.

All that joy disappeared again the day she made the biggest mistake of her life, leaving Carina. All those years Maya made sure she had extra shifts during Christmas, it kept her entertained and even for a few seconds she managed to forget that she was alone, that she would not come home to a decorated tree, that she would not be welcomed with the smell of freshly baked cookies, that two red socks no longer hung from the fireplace, that she would not hear the soft melody of classic Italian Christmas songs as she entered her apartment. A small tear fell down her cheek as she remembered Christmas Eve the year before.