He's half of my soul

three

That night Sirius isn't able to sleep. He has nightmares about things that make little to no sense. Scenes of him and Regulus as children, but nothing he reminds himself of. His little brother screaming at him about how much he hates Sirius, which never happened. Regulus torturing Sirius, the way only a Black could, which again never happened. Another scene appears. This time his parents telling him that he's a disgrace to the family, which did happen, but in the dream Regulus got punished for Sirius' flaws, because they knew this would hurt him more that anything ever could. That part never happened. Many pictures cross his mind and it doesn't stop with his family. Pictures of his friends, other students and even teachers appear. The pictures move faster and faster, while becoming more vivid, until Sirius can't tell if the nightmares are actual memories or, in fact, just nightmares. Suddenly his whole body shakes. At first he isn't able to tell if it's real or another dream, but those thoughts are blown away as soon as Remus starts whispering to Sirius.

"Sirius, Sirius, wake up, it's a dream", he whispers. The other jolts out of his sleep, hitting Remus against his arm in defense, usually he would start a fight with Sirius when this happened but he can't right now.

"Calm down, it's fine. It was just a dream. I'm here", Remus says in a calm voice and pulls Sirius closer to himself, he doesn't fight it off. Taking a closer look at Sirius, Remus sees the tears in his face, so he pulls him even closer, just holding him.

Once Sirius calms down he pulls back to look at Remus, as if to check that he's really there.

"Do want to talk about it?", Remus asks in a quiet, almost hesitant way.

"It- It was about Regulus, and my parents and- and you. You were all yelling at me and telling me how much you hate me. It scared me." Sirius whispers, almost too quiet for Remus to hear. Hearing his voice in such an unusual tone makes Remus worry about his friend. Usually he is the one knowing what to say but with Sirius it's different. As much as he wants to help him, his brain lacks words for his friend so instead he lets his actions speak and brings Sirius back to the position he was in before. This time holding onto him even more.

"I don't hate you, I could never." Remus tries to calm him down "And neither does James or Peter. We wouldn't be anywhere without you, Padfoot.", he adds.

"But Regulus does hate me", Sirius starts arguing.

"I'm sure that he just needs some time to work things out. He's hurt and he's a smart lad y'know? He'll work it out, just give him some time." Remus replies.

"It's already been over a year. How can he still need time?"

"Some people need more time than others", Remus says calmly with a sad smile on his face holding Sirius' gaze.

"What if he will still hate me?", the older one asks.

"But what if he doesn't?", Remus asks instead. "He needs time. Give him some and after that we'll see what happens. No need to rush things, Sirius. I know you can be impatient but right now Regulus needs time. I know it's hard but I- I mean we are here for you.", he adds softly.

"Thank you Moony, you're a good mate.", Sirius finally says after taking some time to think about what Remus just told him.

"Cheers mate", Remus says in, what Sirius could swear was, a pained tone but that doesn't really make sense in this situation, so he must be wrong. The nightmares have messed with his brain, he barely got any sleep he assumes. The thought of sleep makes him slowly drift off to sleep and before he can even tell what happens, he's gone. This time without any nightmares nor any dream at all.

***

Waking up isn't easy for Regulus, it never us. It used to be easier, but now he's tired all the time, not able to tell the difference between sleeping and being awake. Day and night mash together, so safe to say, morning is his least favorite time of the day, because he isn't even able to tell when morning is. Staying up until 4 am, falling asleep with nightmares and dragging himself out of bed each and every morning seems to be his destiny. So that's what he does.

He sits alone during breakfast. Not because he has no one to sit next to, he has, but he chooses not to sit next to his friends. It's easier that way. Easier not to draw attention to him, because he doesn't like attention, he already gets too much for being a member of the Black family. Regulus would much rather just stay in his dorm room instead of sitting here, but there was a mandatory attendance. The only thing that is left for him, is that, he can sit on his own in the very last corner of the room, which he does. The downside of this being that, from this point he sees all of the great hall, more specifically he has a clear view at Sirius and his friends. Whenever Regulus wants too eat, he sees his brother having so much fun with his friends, but he has the most fun with James, which makes Regulus dislike him more than the others. He has that weird feeling of betrayal in the pit of his stomach whenever he sees James even walk by. He is convinced, that Sirius left him because James was a better brother than he ever was. He knows better than that, but sometimes Regulus isn't thinking with is head but his heart. Which is the reason why he catches himself building up his walls again, once James sees him staring at their table. They held eye contact for just a second before Regulus could see a switch in Jame's face, his features softened in what seems like pity. This made Regulus feel sick, he lowered his head, got up and left without even touching his food. He must admit, this happens every now and then. Sometimes Regulus feels as if thoughts make him feel more filled, than food ever could.