LIVING GHOSTS

05. Worrisome

The rays of sunlight piercing through the window of the room forced me out of bed the next morning. I had been awake for quite a long time, but was too tired to get up. 

Finally sitting up, I stretched and yawned like a happy and energetic teenager. For a while, I just sat still on the bed and got lost in my thoughts. 

I need not look around me anymore nor scan my environment because I knew where I was already. And I didn't know if I were to be ashamed of myself for having left my mum in such a manner five years ago, or if I were to feel happy that I was finally home. But the question is, was I even kidnapped in the first place by my husband to want to feel happy now? 

At that moment, I felt myself feeling heated with sudden anger directed at my husband, who wasn't with me anymore. 

Why did he even have to lie to me in the first place? How on earth did he even come back as a human, so alive and healthy? Did he make a bargain with God? Even if he did, was it that fast? 

I let my head ramble with plenty of questions that I so badly needed answers to. 

“Oh, you're finally awake.” I heard the familiar voice again and I shook a bit. 

“Mama, I didn't know you were outside.” I opened my mouth to speak, as that was the only thing that could come to my head. And I heard her chuckle. Immediately, I knew she had just read me like an open book. 

“Come on, you don't need to be uncomfortable around me. I'm your mother.” She said, and as much as I wanted to feel relieved or happy about that, I couldn't. I was still in disbelief that I had the mind to really leave my mother, and not speak to her for five years. 

“Mother, is it really possible to live with a ghost?” I blurted out, without hesitation.

I watched how she took her time, probably to think first before speaking. Likewise, I equally knew she was thinking of the best answer to provide, but I thought it's best to let her know that I didn't actually need the best answer at that moment because the best answer could also be a lie. What I wanted, to any question I'd ask, was nothing but the truth. 

And just as if she had read my mind, she responded.

“If I say no or yes, I'd be lying to you. And if I also say that I have any knowledge about living with ghosts, I'd also be lying to you.” She said,

“But I've got many questions, mama. There are things I want to know, things I intend to find out. I really need answers.” I said, clutching her hands against mine.

“Don't you think that will only give you heartaches? Do you think it would be good for you right now, especially in your state?” She said, and I paused. 

“In my state? What exactly do you mean by that?” I asked.

“Belinda,” she began and squeezed my hands softly. “You and I know that you're still very hurt at everything that you just found out, and you also still find it hard to believe. That is why you're asking questions, trying to get answers that you can use to hold on to the lies you have in your head.” She said,

A part of me knew she was right, but I would rather not say so, at least not yet, until I finally got the answers I sought. 

“Mama,” I breathed. “I understand your point, but right now, there's nothing that can change the fact that I need answers.” I said. “Do you really understand how I feel right now after everything I've heard? Don't you think I deserve to know the truth about how my husband died, and came to live with me for five good years as a proud man despite being a ghost?” I found myself almost yelling. And for a few hours, she was quiet, we were quiet. 

I didn't know what was wrong with me anymore, but I knew what I needed at that moment, and I wasn't thinking it was wrong of me to want to know.

“Where's Kimberly?” I asked, letting go of our discussion. At least, for just that moment.

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