My feelings !TW! Vent, suicidal thinking, please don't tell anyone..

Venting...yay!

I'm sorry I've rarely been posting...I will post more soon! :) but the thing is...I'm not doing okay! :D
Okay back to the real things...I've been not great I've been keeping myself up at night thinking about if I should post something or do something useful in life because im just the fool in the friend group and never(rarely) go to my psychologist and the only time(s) I've gone there was the time people kept saying I committed suicide from a stupid poem I made I'll show you

I fucking hate it when they tell the teachers and all the fucking councilors that I fucking committed...even my fucking teacher hugged me I wanted to cry right then and there into her arms even mad people hugged me I just wanted to cry into their arms but I couldn't because everyone saw me as the happiest child in the school the joyful, playful, energetic, type of kid if I cried there I would've had a panic attack and I would've hated myself for it. I really hate how my emotions are I'm bipolar so I'm mad at some point then I'm happy when I'm depressed as shit I'm fucking smiling making jokes and playing around. The reason why I ignore people is because I can't handle people seeing me wanting to cry scream vent when someone wants to vent to me I let them idc if I feel the same way want to cry want to scream, yell, or anything, I listen because my feelings don't matter. What matters is my friends, family, anyone, who wants to vent or say anything to me about their sadness, anger, whatever it may be I will listen, I will force myself even if I don't want to, to listen to them. Because I don't like it when I say no to someone trying to vent and I start to feel bad about them and cry myself to sleep at night and feel horrible about it and have to make a fucking paragraph about how sorry I am about making them feel like they aren't important in this world. Even when I see a stranger I feel bad about it because their alone and don't have anyone to talk to so I look at them but when they notice me I start to have anxiety and I start to thing, omg do they hate me, I think their thinking I'm weird for looking at them, I hope they aren't coming towards me, they think I'm a freak, please don't tell me I'm a creep, everything starts to flood inside my mind and I don't know what to do I start to cry silently, and if someone saw me cry I would have a ugly cry because I'm ugly asf and if I looked into a mirror ik the mirror would crack because I look like if shrek and donkey had a children. I swear on everything that if someone try's to get me a therapist(or psychiatrist) I'm gonna fucking loose it because wtf are they gonna do talk to me about my feelings try to get me to vent to them. Im so fucking stubborn that even to the closet people I know I won't even let a single word of vent or sadness to them. The only people who have seen me cry is S, M, K, J. They are the only people who have seen me cry (not gonna put the rest of them </3) so if I do it one more time people are gonna keep asking are you okay?, what's wrong?, would you like to vent?, is everything alright?, I hate myself more than anything so if people keep telling me I look good or something I'm gonna actually go to the bathroom and cry my fucking eyes out becuase of it like bro. People always snitch when I send them photos of my (deep, dark, sad, depressing) poems like this is why I keep my distance from people, I love being alone in my room (my cousin is coming over so I'm just gonna cry on her she's okay with me crying on her even though I don't want to) I hate(love) my parents so fucking much today(and last night) I at raw(cup) ramen and I forgot that that shit can kill you...and I didn't fucking care I kept eating it(just found out two days ago) and then my dad saw me bringing the raw cup of noodles to my room and he said "your eating it raw" I smiled and said yes! (God this is like my Naruto harem story 😭😭😭) and I walked into my room 5 seconds later he said my mom called me..I was so fucking scared because I hated talking to my mom and even if I kept being clingy to her I hated it he snitched on me like it was nothing I know parents so it for your safety but I didn't fucking care because why would he do that? She told me I was stupid for doing that and I walked into h kitchen she told me to make it or not I wanted to not make it and walk out but my fucking dad wanted me to make it and I was so fucking mad that he wanted me to make it like bro I know he saw me talk with my mom about it and he even kept telling me "this is how to make it like this and that and blah blah blah" and I didn't even listen I just kept saying "I know I know I know" and then when he left I looked back at the knifes in my kitchen because we have a knife box and I looked at them and I started to cry in my kitchen and held it up I didn't cute my skin or anything don't worry but I put it down gently so nobody hear it and I walked into my room closed my door and started to fucking cry my eyes out I went to sleep for a few minutes because when I was still in the kitchen I turned the water on and I had my headphones in my ears so I couldn't  hear a single noise and my music was on blast so I didn't care about it but then my dad woke me up and said "was you asleep a little bit" I looked at him with a blank stare "like sasuke :D" I looked like my eyes sopped shining and everything went dark I got up and put everything in my noodles (I rarely eat so I only had this and I don't eat after that but my parents force me to and I have to eat it or they will hit me) I ate the noddles and looked down at it thinking about everything that had just happened and I almost started to cry but I held myself back from it and finished eating them my dad had bought me juice and I drunk it all when I was done I threw every piece of trash out of the house into the garbage (.just like me because I'm a piece of trash :D) and I washed all my dishes and then I went back into my room and started to cry myself to sleep and then I woke up and now I was writing this
This is the end of the book</3
1263 words

Me rn..