Hours after the pizza had arrived and an hour after Bear had been dropped off, I yawned before timidly declaring that i should probably head to bed. I had managed too keep under my touch limit and sighed at myself. Why did i have to be like this? why was I afraid of people and why did just the thought of them laying a finger on me make my cringe? the thoughts that often were running through my brain circled, why I climbed the grand stair case. Bear followed behind me, probably sensing my discomfort and gently panted.
"Good boy," I whispered.
"Luxton?" Niall called up to me, I mentally sighed.
"hmm?" I asked.
"Sleep well," He said, flashing me a cheesy grin.
"Sleep well, Niall," I said breaking into a smile. I jogged the rest of the way into the bedroom that i guess was technically mine and flounced onto the bed. I pulled the comforter over my body and burrowed into it. Not long after my phone chimed and I sighed, getting up from my little nest I crossed the room to where my phone was. I had six missed calls.
"Clair," I sighed. Did i really want to listen to her talk for an hour? Dont get my wrong i absolutely loved Clair, she was a complete sweet heart and my best friend. She just had a habit of rambling. She would talk for hours about something that didnt matter, but also had a way of talking about about a million things at once that i found exhausting sometimes. But at the same time, she was the only person that understood my anxiety and depression. She was always there to pull me out of my brain when i had been living in it for far too long. I sighed again and dialed her number, and thankfully got her voicemail. "Hey its Luxton. I just saw that you called, i think im going to head to bed. Ill call you tomorrow. I I love you Clair," After i hung up, i climbed into bed, thinking that i would drop into sleep, but of course that didnt happen. I tossed and turned until i sat up and huffed. This was ridiculous. I stood up and paced back and forth a few times before lying back down. Bear whined at the bottom of the bed.
"All right ill be still," i whispered. He curled back up and i lay down and yawned. I was tired but restless and i had my mind on one thing. Tea. I wanted sleepy time tea, but sitting here, i realized i had left it in the cupboard at home, nestled between the nesquik and chai tea. sighing again i turned on my side and pulled the blanket up to my chin. And suddenly i was craving home. Not my home in London but home. Home where my mom was there to make me tea when i couldnt sleep. Home where the blankets smelt like the familiar detergent my mom bought but that i couldnt seem to find in any of the stores in London, a strange mix of lilacs and just clean linen. The sound of my siblings running upstairs in the morning, and my younger sisters climbing in bed with me when it was stormy, Careful not to cross the line of not being touched. But on special nights i would reach over and intertwine my fingers with theirs and just remind myself that they werent going to hurt me. And holding their hand wasnt hurting anything. And i would be okay for a moment. I would be normal for that moment and being normal made me happy. Those were the only moments i was truly happy, and i wanted more than anything to relive those moments with someone else. Someone who didnt share my DNA, someone who wasnt forced to love me because they were related. I wanted to be normal, happy and in love. Clumsily in love, the kind of love that left you breathless and fearless. Exploring new towns at 3 AM when the town is asleep, and for those moments it seemed like yours. The kind of love that made you forget the hurt and made you feel like anything was possible. The kind of love that wasnt possible for me. My world was orderly and made sense, clumsily love didnt make sense. LOVE didnt make sense. And i had accepted that. Accepted that i didnt deserve love, but those nostalgic moments had reminded me that i had been normal once. Fleeting moments but it was possible. Reminded me of my mom telling me that i could have whatever I wanted to just had to put my mind to it and step outside my comfort zone, because life wasnt going to wait for me to decide i was brave. I had to show life that i am brave and i can do anything i set my heart to. But today, today i wasnt brave. Today i was still the journalist who was afraid. Afraid to love and to be loved. The scared child with her dog, who was content to live in her brain, isolated from her true potential, because crossing oceans usually required help from someone. And when you accept help from someone, your placing your trust in someone. Complete trust that they're going to be there for you when youre drowning in your own sorrows, and not just feed you to the sharks. Feed you to the very fears that controlled you, and to me the fear that controlled me the most was rejection. Rejection and the human touch.
YOU ARE READING
Discovering You
Hayran Kurgu"Like a world tour?" I asked trying to sound like I was anything but overjoyed by the idea. "Yes...i can find someone else Luxton..." he said probably afraid I would freak out. "No!" I exclaimed, "when do I start?"
