The Love I Lost

From the beginning (Kaydences pov)

I couldn't keep living in a place where I felt invisible, in a place that could not help me grow as a person. Sitting in the car now feels like I'm leaving behind all of my problems, like I'm running and trying to hide, so maybe I'll stop feeling like I do.

As we slowly start to pull up to the drop off, I've been at so many times in my childhood that I felt so exhausted. Waiting there for my mother felt so tiring but also somehow made me feel free and at peace with my decision. Although I'm afraid I know now that this is the right answer for me. I'm not going to make any friends in this town. I'm just want to keep my head down and get good grades. As I'm watching my mom pull up, I feel as though maybe I am being a burden.

I jump out of the car and run up to my moms door, opening it so I can pull her into a hug.
"I missed you so much mom thank you for coming to get me."
It almost felt wrong leaving my dad, and seeing his face fall as we walked into the store for drinks and snacks made it so much harder. I had never wanted to leave him, but I know this is for the best. If I don't do this, he may not have a daughter for much longer. I knew this transfer was going to be a lot, but I never would've known the pain to come with it.

I hugged my dad one last time and cried in his arms, apologizing. I make sure he knows that I love him and I'll see him soon, but that was just for my own good.

On the ride back to the city I grew up in, I felt like part of me was missing. My dog could sense the power of this difference and what it could do for me.

After a few weeks I'm getting into school and got a new phone, but part of me knew there was more to come. I knew showing up in the middle of my freshman year was a shock for so many people, but I talked with the office and got them to call down a very old and amazing friend. She almost didn't recognize me, but after seeing my childhood best friend Madison, a lot of my nerves were calmed. I forgot how it felt to hold her. The look on people's faces when they looked at me was almost terrifying. They never thought I'd be back, and they definitely didn't think I would be some kind of emo.

When someone leaves a small town and starts to do better for themselves, it scares people. I knew that. I knew my look and the energy I put off into the world could've scared people, but that led me to find the people who would understand me the best. I started off in a very small group of people who I knew very well and cared for a lot, but this would also start me in the direction of finding the people I care about the most in the world.

As I started my 8th hour an art class with a lot of my first friend group, I got into a conversation with a girl named Ashlyn.
"Hey Ashlyn, is that Jason? I mean, I recognized him from a couple of years back. You were with him then, weren't you?" I asked curiously.
"Actually, it is. How did you recognize him? And yeah, I was with him, then I really regret those days, though. I miss them but regret them."
"He's just one of those people. Does he, by any chance, vape?" I asked quietly and cautiously so the teacher couldn't hear.
"He does and has for a while."
After the class it was time to go to our study class and I went to my math teachers room. He was the only teacher who had made me feel like I fit in somewhere, but I never would've known the impact that one day would've had on my life.

I walked into the classroom and pulled my hood, giving my ticket to my teacher, and went to sit in the back of the class. I sat there for a few minutes and heard the warning bell. Four guys walked in not too long after the final bell. One of the guys in this group caught my attention off of my homework, and it was almost like I was going to start flying away. I wanted to get a better look at him so I took my homework to the teacher.
"Hey, Mr. Christianson, I'm confused about this problem. Can you help me out a bit?"
"Of course I can." As the teacher started explaining what to do, I couldn't take my eyes off this person who I knew I would love.

I waved to Jason, and after talking with the teacher some more, I found the perfect way to at least get his name. Our school happened to have a gamers club, which I knew they were in because of the hoodies they were wearing. They looked old, so I guessed they were from the previous year. If this was the case, this would put the guy a year older than me.

I walked away from the group and went back to my work, but he was so distracting and breathtaking. It was like I finally felt like a person again.

Only about two weeks had gone by, and the only thing I did outside of school hours was sit on my phone or on Fridays and go out to lunch after school.

Slowly, I started asking Jason to give me rides home from school or to school, and after we learned we were cousins, things were going better for me. I found the people who understood me and the people who accepted me for who I was. At least, that's what I thought. I slowly started going with them at lunch, and it was always the same thing. We would get in the car and drive to Isaac and Toby's house to talk and hang out. I started off quiet and shy but slowly started to talk more.

One specific day I texted Jason
"Hey, can I tag along for lunch today?"
"Yeah, I don't mind."
As I'm walking out to the car, I can feel butterflies just because I know I'll get to see Toby.
Sitting in the back of the car, I laughed with the rest of them and finally felt happy with where I was in my life. On this specific day, there was someone new with us, and she seemed to get me to come out of my shell more. The boys in our group learned more about me that day that I never would've thought was possible. As I sat on the ground by the couch petting a cat, Toby looked at me and smiled.
"Hey Kaydence," He said to catch my attention so I look at him with a curious look on my face, "you look like a bad bitch."

This made me smile and develop butterflies in my stomach and I could feel my cheeks glowing red.

Later on in the week, I started texting Toby more and more, I felt calm texting him, and he made me feel safe. I didn't even know him yet.

The days were starting to get harder, but one day at lunch, I was quieter than I had been earlier in the week. I got a text from Toby that day and it had made my day more than I thought it would.
"Hey."
"Hi."
"How's your day been?" He asked me this and I felt like I could be honest with him so I did.
"Honestly, really boring, I'm always doing the same stuff and feel like I'm alone a lot."
"I understand that."
I wasn't really sure if he understood the severity of how I was feeling, but part of me knew that he did know how I was feeling and he didn't enjoy it.