nothing we desired. peaky blinders

NINE

NOTHING WE DESIRED
morning talks

The light of day felt harsh against her eyes, making Dilara squint. With her eyes blurry, she couldn't make out the shapes above. To her side, someone let out a groan and Dila hurried to her feet, sliding from the bed with a swiftness she was unfamiliar with.

"Do I look so awful in the morning that you feel the need to run away?"

At the sound of Lorita's voice, Dilara calmed, letting herself drop back onto the bed. With the jolt of her body, her head only throbbed more as she tried to remember all that had happened to leave her lying in Lorita Changretta's bed. For a sharp moment, she felt something close to fear. To be drunk enough to forget the events of the previous night meant to be drunk enough to spill secrets. Important secrets that could see her killed at the hands of the man she looked for- Lorita's brother.

But such fear quickly went away. Without warning, Lorita threw her arms over her body, her head coming to lean on Dila's stomach, her eyes hidden against the fabric of her dress. The girl let out a groan and Dila found herself laughing, the movement shaking them both.

"My head hurts," she said with a tired moan, rolling so her eyes faced the ceiling, just as Dila did. Lorita's eyes were squinting, bloodshot and surrounded by the dark blue of fatigue. "I don't think I can open my eyes."

"I think we can blame that on the vodka shots," Dilara said.

It was all coming back to her now: the bars, the boys, and the drinks they had been plied with. After the third drink in the third bar, all sense of anxiety had left Dilara's body and she'd felt as comfortable as if she was back in Italy with her closest friends. It had been Antonio who'd managed to pull them away as the morning grew brighter and forced them to bed. In whose home, she didn't know, but it was certainly not her makeshift flat next to the grimiest part of London's centre.

"Oh, hush, you had fun. You can't deny it," Lorita said as she finally opened her eyes completely, blinking at the midday sun that streamed through the open windows. They were large, ornate, looking out across the city. A hotel, perhaps, Dila thought, but then her attention fell on her friend again at the same moment Lorita looked up at her with sly eyes. "Matteo was all over you. And you let him be!"

There was teasing in her voice and little judgment. It made Dila think of Hulya, of how scandalous she would have found it all. Then the guilt settled within her again and she dismissed the thoughts as quickly as they had come.

Dila pushed the girl from her stomach and sat up, leaning against the wide, wooden headboard. Still dressed in her clothes from the evening before, Dilara felt exposed. The Italian man had recounted numerous times just how much he liked her dress, but how much more he would have liked her with it off. The memory made her shiver.

"Let him be. What harm does it do to me?" Dila said with a laugh, watching the mock look of shock that Lorita played on her face. "He knows deep down that his obsession will never be reciprocated."

"What a cold woman you've become," Lorita sang, eyes following her as Dila left the bed to look at herself in the mirror. makeup was smudged across her face, making her brown eyes look as black as coal. "What on earth did Amir do to you?"

Dila stilled, hand hovering above her face. "You don't want to know."

She watched through the mirror as Lorita slipped from the bed and walked toward her, feet bare against the cold tiles. Her hand reached for her arm to turn her around.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that," she said. It took her a moment to continue. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Dilara did want to talk about it. She wanted to shout about every way the man had wronged her, about how betrayed she felt, about how stupid she'd made her feel. Since the day he'd left, she'd spoken of Amir to no one. Bottling her anger up in such a way was causing her to rot from the inside. But there was no way to tell Lorita it all without revealing Tommy Shelby.

But Dila found herself nodding.

They broke out into the light of day with smiles on their faces, arms entwined as they walked through the streets of London. Lorita looked different under the sun, rather than the silver sheen of the moon. Her skin was fairer and rosier, and her hair seemed coloured an auburn.

"You really don't have to tell me if you don't want to," Lorita said.

"No, I want to tell you. It'll be good for me to get it out," she said, squeezing the other girl's arm. "And it'll be good for you too. I know you're dying to know, and you have a right to. You're my friend."

Lorita only smiled and didn't protest. She was eager to know. It was obvious, but Dila didn't mind.

"He left me when we got to London a year ago," she said, thinking on the words before she said them. There was a tale she had to spin that merged the truth with some lies. "It was in the middle of the night. He took everything, my papers, all of my things, what little money I had for myself."

Her brows were furrowed. "Without saying anything?"

"Only a scribbled note. He'd gotten into some trouble with some of the business he did. I had no clue because he never told me any of it," Dila said. They were coming up to the restaurant that Lorita had booked them into for lunch- one of her brother's favourites, apparently. "But all he said in the note was that I shouldn't stay in one place for too long, because they'd seen my face too. But that was hard to do when I had no documentation or money."

"How could he do that?" Lorita exclaimed, finally breaking out of her calm quietness. Her face was dark, frown ugly and angry. "Give me his full name and I'll tell Luca. I wouldn't even have to persuade him to do anything. I'd just have to tell him all the man did."

"No, no, please, Lorita. I don't want any retaliation," she said, though as the words left her mouth, all she could picture was a look of horror on Amir's face as he got everything that was coming to him. "I just want it all to be over."

"It is," Lorita assured her as they stepped into the restaurant. She didn't have to give her name for them to know who she was. "You're with me now, and we'll not let anything happen to you."

Dila didn't miss the way she said we.

"I've missed having a girl friend. All I have here is Tony and his friends. They're fun, but they're not this," Lorita said, grabbing her hand across the table and giving her a wide smile. "I'm glad we found each other again."

"So am I," Dila said- for more than one reason.

They had prosecco with lunch- an expensive bottle that was replaced more than once. Lorita blamed it on the fact that in America they couldn't drink at all, and here in England, it was too easy not to, but Dila didn't mind. Their laughter flowed as easily as the drink and she was thankful once again to have her.

"So would your brother actually do such a thing if you asked?" Dila said after a while, slipping the question into the conversation. With the alcohol, it became too easy.

"I wouldn't even need to ask. He would just do it, if I told him about it all," she said, finding humour in the fact. "Luca likes to take it upon himself to right wrongs."

Dila could imagine it to be true already. The black hand was no casual feat. To deliver it meant determination, a strong belief in that he would do everything it would take to eliminate the Shelby family. She tried to ignore the fact that she did not yet know why it was that it was all happening.

In her mind, she was painting a picture of him and with each slither of information, he was becoming clearer. But Luca still remained but a shadow in her head. A firm, steady shadow. Yet for a moment, it was supplanted by the image of Lorita. She was a Changretta too, and for the first time, Dilara truly considered the fact. Thomas and his brothers would be looking for her just as much as they were looking for Luca, and the fact pained her immensely that for a minute, she could not speak, could not hear.

"Dila? Dila?" Lorita took to shaking her, to get her attention away from the tablecloth and back to her again. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," she said, reassuring her with a smile. "I'm just really glad you're my friend too."

A friend. Someone she could love. But someone she now had to protect.