Equals (Crowley Fanfic)

Had I?

Two hours later I was driving a stolen minivan on a dark road trying to sort out my mind. Why would hunters kill so indiscriminately? I couldn't think of a justifiable reason. What had I forgotten this time? Something told me that I had finally gone too far. Was I even the same person that entered that compound? My life was a mixtape of the in-between scenes. I knew that I had worked with the Winchesters, that Dean liked pie, that Sam could get on my last nerve... But it was all fluff. I couldn't even remember my Mother's smile or my first kiss. Had I forgotten it to protect someone I loved? What if I couldn't remember it because I'd never had one. It occurred to me that Crowley could have been my first kiss, but then, since I couldn't ever remember any before it, it didn't matter. Crap. I'm back to that again. May as well think about it now, it'll just continue to fester if I don't. When he kissed me right before the possession, it felt right. Which considering who he was, was most likely bad news. What about the first one? It was almost sweet, at first. Had it been so bad that I had forgotten it, or so good that I refused to remember it.

"Just so you know, I can hear your conscious thoughts while I'm in your meat-suit." He hadn't spoken in hours and I nearly lost the wheel when my mouth opened of its own volition, "And to answer your last question, it was not enjoyable for either of us. I did think the last one was quite nice, you kissed back." Had I?

Red heat crept across my cheeks. I turned the radio to the max and stomped the accelerator.

After we had gotten several hours of backroads between us and the compound, we ditched the car and stole what turned out to be a stoner van. It reeked, but I was able to hide it off the road easily enough and the back had been transformed into a place to sleep off the drugs when the high had gone. I pulled off the sheets that smelled of vomit to discover a mostly clean mattress to sleep on. I curled up like I always did, making myself smaller and using my own arm as a pillow. I was asleep when my free hand that had been beneath my arm moved to touch my face. My fingers drew tender circles on my cheek. When I woke up and realized what was happening I took control and slapped myself.

"Hey! What? Why would you do that?" Crowley said.

"Because you're a pervert!" I hissed.

"I am not! You were crying out and I was trying to get you to stop whimpering." He snarled, "Keep that up and someone will hear us. If you get busted for the dope in here, we'll be sitting ducks."

"Just go to sleep. You're not at full strength yet and I'm sure you could use it." I turned over to face the other side of the car, but realized how useless it was.

I went back to sleep and had another nightmare, but a voice that was distantly familiar spoke to me and told me I could control it. It worked and I slept peacefully.