*ON HOLD* The Way Up

Chapter 2: Cue Cards

Gracie opened her red backpack drawing out a stack of notecards and a polished set of number two pencils. Gracefully, she glided the stack across the table to me.

"You got Kevin to make these right?" I asked.

"Yes, the smart one. Already took Bio, these are from last year's exam. He's so your type though, Helena," she pouted, bringing a shoe to meet mine. Positively sickening.

"You gotta get over Frank," Gracie stated.

"Right, and how do you I suppose I move on? With a guy who is leaving in a month. He was just a crush, anyway, not like I liked him, liked him," I defended myself. I asked him out as a "dare", he said no.

Pity, we could've worked if only Frank didn't hang out with snakes and liars.

"Get Frank out of your system Helena."

"Yeah, not the way you see that happening, I'm not that loose," I said, clearly taken aback by my friend's noncommittal stance, and if she wanted to sweep me under the rug again, and stop hanging out with them, Kevin certainly wouldn't be the guy for me. He's gotten with at least half of the senior girls.

"You're good Helena, too pure."

I knew that that remark was spiteful, and I hated when Gracie went there. Too good, too pure.

I was no Mother Theresa. I was no blessed saint sent down to reap the world of all evil. I was me, and I had feelings, and she had completely ignored me after I took the fall. Sure, it had only been two days, but not a single "thank you, Helena"? And she was offering dating advice?

I came here with a purpose, I was going to say something, I needed finality, I needed an end.

But what the hell was I doing here? The girl consistently set me up to fail.

"Gracie, I think that I have to go now," I said, standing up from my seat with an uneasy look on my face.

"Okay," Gracie responded and continued her homework. She didn't even look me in the eyes. I picked up my bag and stood up allowing for a large screech from the chair as I pushed in it a bit too forcefully. I wasn't annoyed, I was furious, I wanted to scream at her.

"But—you guys are jerks," I said with force in my words. I was too upset. I really didn't know why I said it, after all, it would stir things up, keep the conversation at a boiling point, but it was true. They were.

Even if I didn't seek revenge, she needed to hear it. She could get away with whatever, and they were right, I would accede to their every whim. Gracie held her mouth slightly a jar, giving me a confused glance for a moment. Then, shutting her mouth, she abruptly got up from her chair.

"Helena, follow me."

I furrowed my eyebrows before she walked out of the café.

I shivered, shooting her a glare. Couldn't we have just talked in the café? What was she going to do, beat me up? The wind blew her pristine dark curls out of order, hot air puffed out of my mouth, her scorching attitude wasn't changed by the February weather at all. She was a tower in front me with a thin frame.

She was a spider and I got caught in her web of lies. Her lips in a semi-permanent frown, she opened her mouth to speak, and stopped herself. But then, she dug into what was left of my self-esteem.

"What is up with you lately, Helena? It's like you want to destroy my mood. Frank's an idiot for not liking you, I understand. But you can't just expect us, to you know, 'move on' from him, right?"

I stared at her. Her mood was the least of my concerns.

"Life isn't fun when your friends put all the blame on you for everything, even before the whole test thing! This isn't how I wanted my senior year to go. It is any wonder why I am mad at you, and why you've been ignoring me? And don't play games, I know you are hanging out with the rest of them without me. I got in so much trouble for what I said I did, which I didn't do. I looked so stupid; I feel so stupid! Nobody is destroying anything of yours, Gracie, that's the point. Have you ever, in your entire life, felt out of something? Like the entire world was just conspiring against you?"

"No," she answered honestly.

"We don't work, Gracie, we never have worked, and I am starting to think you never even wanted us to work."

"Yes," she replied again. Coy one-word answers would get her nowhere with me.

"Yes, what?" I asked.

"I don't feel 'in' right now, I feel very 'out', and I don't know why you keep trying to be a part of this. We've been friends, what, a year, maybe? We are all leaving soon, and Helena you're stuck in the past while everyone else has moved on! So yes, we are ignoring you, so just move on. Follow everyone else, just go on Helena," Gracie said.

Those were the cruelest, yet, most wise words she had ever uttered. I had to pinch myself, was I dreaming? Or did she make so much sense.

They really didn't think I would tell on them. I wanted so badly to rat them out, but with the amount of things they could throw my way, the amount of time I had left in this school, and with the amount of patience I had left for them. I just couldn't deal with them anymore.

"Fine!" With that last word in, I walked away toward my car. Out of the blue, a confused murmur left her lips. I didn't bother looking back at the wreckage I had left in the parking lot, I just followed like she told me too. I followed everyone else right out of the circle of the "cool girls," and I joined the regulars, they wouldn't want me either. I was tainted. But they were the only viable option.

That was our difference, they were stronger than me in some ways, but entirely weak and entirely different than me.

I didn't rejoin the cult, but I only knew I had been tricked until I had left.

I cried after I got home, unashamed of my emotions. I opted for a pint of cookie dough ice cream.

I carried the pint up to my room to wallow in my shrinking social status, and in all my former Ms. Congeniality glory, I wore a pink robe. Why did this have to happen right as prom was coming, right as senior parties were happening. Why did it all come crashing down on me now?

As the clock ticked by and the sun went down the feeling of loneliness stung like pins in my back as I tried to remain comfortable. That night I pampered myself; I took a bath, I painted my nails black, I ate chips, listened to calming music, but the sting still stayed. I was mad at myself too, how could I have been so ignorant, when all the signs were telling me not to fall for their words.

I laid down in my bed to doze off, my family had stayed out my hair the entire evening. I was grateful for their détente.