I never thought you would be the one I was still thinking about. When I finally decided that I should let myself power through my life with a boyfriend by myself, it was yet not my time. because he wasn't you. I also accepted the fact that I thought you weren't one until I found myself still craving you in his arms. Being with my fake significant other in the same house as you, thousands of kilometers away from home. and getting sloppy first kisses, but my mind still wandered off to you downstairs. The oxygen running out of my lungs and exhaling into him was a mask for my heart that was beating just for you.
But that was way after you picked me up from the club smoking area. I skipped a little bit because thinking about the good flashbacks is my favorite thing to waste my meaningless extra time on. During my math lessons. listening to music. showering. eating. breathing.
But to understand my love for you, we must first understand the love I tried to give myself. Everyone always said that you should always love yourself first with your entire heart. But what if your whole heart was taken away piece by piece by the people you lent those parts to? To the people you gave yourself away, hoping they would do the same. They all owned parts of you, which they have selfishly taken with them with no intention of ever giving back.
The first time my heart was really left bleeding with scars was with this person to whom it never belonged in the first place. Let's call him Aaron. I was lost in my thoughts, lost in the idea of you. Aaron caught me off guard, in a moment where I was mediocrely happy but satisfactorily stable. He swept me off my feet, or at least that's what I thought. In some way he did. Even though I don't want to admit it to myself he filled the void I was struggling for the last few years to fill. Even though I never had his love, I felt loved. Which I still appreciate. After I battled endless batless because I welt wortless, unworthy of love. Because I was aware that he never associated with me, because I meant anything to him. I was just a spot for him to place his used lips and his tired toughts on . All masked in a beautiful figure of his existance, an vague idea of you.
The sweet nothings he whispered in my ears, the lies he filled my hopes with and the smiles he faked. I don't favor thinking about it too much, because it cost me too many endless sleepless nights already. For a short time, he scared me so much, that I didn't even hate him. And for everything he did to me, I should, but I couldn't. I remember the day when you found out me and Aaron were a thing. We were sitting in the school's library. Him, me, you and his ex. It was a moment when she said something and he laid his head on my arm and softly grinded his cheek against the hem of my shirt. The moment when they both realized that they both lost us. Even tho a relationship should include two people, it involved four. All with their own wishes and hopes. Thats what eventually broke us apart. both of me and trying to force a spark between us, even tho it was beyond obvious that we couldn't give it to each other, because we were saving it for you two. The realization that hit you, when you saw us. even though for the first time in my life, I felt all that I ever wanted to feel with him. I felt you more. I felt the pain that was projecting through your eyes. The only thing I wished to do was help you pick yourself up, to tell you that I'm not worth it. That you should spend your pieces on someone who was mentally stable enough to give it back to you. Because I didn't love enough, because I loved too much. I needed to get up and kiss you and hug you. but I swallowed the bitterness and forced myself to believe it wasn't meant to be.
My behavior carried on for a month and a half, while I was slowly falling for Aaron, I was letting my walls down. The walls I spend half a year trying to build up. and when they were entirely down that's when Aaron decided to demolish the pillars that were holding me up. Smashing the building leaving nothing but dry soil. Shedding so many tears, that in the end had nothing else to shed, because it was fully empty. Hoping to someday reach a day where it would rebuild itself.
The short while that i shared with Aaron was a magical time in a lot of aspects. Definitely not worth the pain that followed, because he was right when he told me it wasn't worth it. Reflecting back, I now understand that he did try to give me his everything, but the same as me he was too damaged to give his all. to me at least. And I wasn't the one to take it. For the longest time, I blamed myself that I wasn't the one that gave enough, but my view on the relationship was different. Freshly out of the situationship, I now understand the emotions you feel after it. But at the moment I was totally and utterly consumed with him. slowly letting him take more and more of me. And even though people ask me if I regret it? I don't. At all. He made me feel comfortable, safe. I would do it all over again because I decided to take everything in life as a learning opportunity. The good and the bad people that you come across with in your life are the teachers that prepare you for the tougher experiences of life. Even tho I was absolutely crushed after we parted our ways, I remember the pain I felt every day while being with him. The unsure feeling and strong gut that was telling me to leave. "get out of it". And I tried, a lot of days I decided to end things. But I didn't. I wasn't trusting myself and convinced myself that I'm wrong. At least I hoped so. *note to self* always trust your gut.
But with him there was never a spark there, and that's what it also bothered me. He was vanilla, I wasn't. It was soon, after feeling at home in his arms, that I had to ask him to slap my ass. pussy. He wasn't vanilla, because he was taking his sweet time loving and admiring me. He was just weak. As simple as that. I never really got to know him. He never really got to know me. He didn't care to show me his house. He picked me up and slammed me against the wall, grabbed me, and showed me the right lust. He threw me on his bed. My inner alarm signaled it immediately, he turned on red less. The alarm went crazy inside my head. He threw himself on me. but I turned it off. But I got lost in him. It was finally my turn. I shut off the alarm.
I still feel the feeling of how my world was crushed when we stopped the following Friday. The whole world came crashing down on me, but not because of him. Not because I loved him, but because I loved feeling loved. And I had to completely get over him, to realize, understand and accept my emotions. Now I understand what happened, I understand us both. The final closure for me wasn't too long ago when I read the chats between him and his friend. Again not very ethical of me, but please don't ignorantly deny that you wouldn't do it.
*our friend that we share*: "Yes, but you still regret it because you got back together with your ex".
him: " No. I still regret it, because I hurt people. And I hurt her. That was never my intention, because she deserves so much more than what I could ever give her."
With that, I could close the book. I could feel the last pain release. I akwnoladge that he knew he hurt me. He knew he was wrong and that he caused me pain. That was enough for me. because I didn't show the pain. I couldn't show my weak side, what would that leave me with? The day of- I faked the smiles in school. Someone that didn't know the battles inside me, could easily mistake me for the happiest person ever. They didn't know that the same day I was hugging the toilet. The whole week of sleepless nights, where I kept myself awake until I was too tired to keep my eyes open. Where I overdosed on melatonin to keep him from breaking into my thoughts. The whole week of not eating, where I lost 5 kg and lost two cup sizes. *losing boobs is defo not worth it for a man*. However, I very slowly got better. I still didn't feel happy, but at least I accepted that feeling as my own. Nurtured it in me and eventually I didn't recognize it as an enemy anymore.
You helped. Tiny meaningless interactions meant everything to me. It saved me. I remember writing this down on my ranting notes page:
"You know you love someone when you talk to them and the whole world becomes an isolation and it's just you two. When you not only feel the butterflies and excitement when you talk to them but feel like you have been connected to a charger. When in that time together you forget all the horrible emotions you carry with you"
From that moment I decided that I will fight for that. I will fight for those emotions. I will fight for the version of me that I am next to you. The type of me that still has her spark.
