I have given up. Given up on the concept of love. I crave it, but I don't believe in it. I have never experienced it. Was I less than others? was I not enough? Was I the problem or am I born in the wrong generation?
The current state makes me sad. It makes me sad when they look at me only for the features my body can provide, and when they mentally drain me and make me feel worthless for my body and soul before they move on to the next. It makes me sad how people perceive love nowadays, it's not even love it's pleasure. They don't know how to treat a person, they just know how to objectify them. My heart hurts when I need to tell my friend that he never liked her but only used her because he was bored. My heart hurts that he fucked someone else, but lied to my friend so he would get her into bed. It breaks my heart when he used me and ignored that behind my face I have emotions. He left me scared and hurt, with trust issues never to be healed. It breaks my heart that I don't have any hope left that I will find what I'm looking for.
A tad bit dramatic, as I am only 18 years old, but is this really how it's going to be? I feel like I'm closer to you than ever, but further than ever before. In a way, I believe I am a good person, and I don't do things that would intentionally hurt others. Why do I need to go through all this pain? I went into a "relationship" unspoiled, full of hope, and happiness within. Why did you leave me with fear, uncertainty, and sorrow?
I miss you, but I don't miss YOU. I miss the way you made me feel, you made me feel safe, seen, and loved. That's what hurt the most. The deprivation of being acknowledged. For those few weeks, I existed. There was one person alive who enjoyed being alone with me. What was real? what was fake? will I ever know? Do I wish to know? I don't know.
I never address you as more than you. Because you are multiple people that crossed my path in my life and shaped my perception of love.
