rays of sunlight // Antoine Griezmann

Chapter 30

~ Author's Note ~

Sorry if I mess some stuff up because I haven't updated this book in a hot second.

All of my emotions are up and down and up and down again, and in no rhythm or order. I try to watch every Real Sociedad game I can, and every single night, no matter what, no matter how busy either of us are, me and Antoine talk on the phone. "Antoine..." I say over the phone. "I've been so tired lately..."

"Have you been feeling sick?"

"That's mostly fading off now; thank God. I've been getting heartburn... And gosh, Antoine, I've been craving the weirdest crap."

This makes him laugh, which is like music to my ears. "Really? Like what?"

"I don't know... chocolate, apples, ice cream..."

"Make sure not to eat too unhealthy, though, lovely," warns my boyfriend.

I nod, smiling weakly. "I've been careful as well... But I just miss you so much, Antoine..."

"I miss you, too... Do you know how much I would do to just be able to hold your hand?"

And suddenly, unexpectedly, another feeling rises up within me towards Antoine, and I snap, "No, I don't! I don't know what you would do! You obviously wouldn't do anything, though! I mean, if you really loved me the most, you would give up football! I need you! I need your help, and you're going off to do your own thing! It's so selfish!" As I speak without thinking, my voice rises louder and louder in volume, until I'm screaming the last sentence into the phone.

"Belle...!" he says loudly, but he sound so, so forlorn. "I'm s-"

"Don't sound so sad about it when you can do something about it!" I scream, feeling my eyes start to water.

"Belle, calm down!"

"No! I'm not going to calm down, idiot! I need you! I'm freaking pregnant and you just left me here! So that you could go be rich and-"

"If you don't stop, Belle, I am going to hang up, and that will be the end of our speaking together for tonight," Antoine states very clearly and calmly over the phone. I shut my mouth, but the pain is flooding over, so the tears do, too. After a few seconds, then, Antoine speaks calmly: "Belle, I understand that this is hard on you. But you aren't understanding. First, this isn't my baby. Despite how awful that situation was and how much I love you, this isn't my baby. I'm not a father leaving his child and girlfriend who rely on him. No. You are my girlfriend, and I love you very much, but there are plenty of couples who do long-distance because of situations such as these. You don't need me. Despite how much you might disagree, you can take care of yourself. You might have to be in pain for a while to succeed, but guess what? I did, too. Right now, your pregnancy may be uncomfortable, but you are not too pregnant to need someone there giving you constant assistance. If I could be there doing that, I would be, but to me, my career is more important. You and your baby are not at risk if I'm not there. If I'm not playing football, then my career, dreams, and life are at risk. And I did invite you to come with me to Spain, but you declined, which is fine. But you can't blame me for that. I understand that you in pain, but I know that you can do this. I know things are hard for you, but you just have to get through. You can tell me all about it every night and I'll comfort and love you, but you have to be your own person, just like I'm being my own person, playing football. I trust that you can be. No matter how much hurt you've experienced, I know that you can be strong. And we'll figure something out, okay? By the time you're in your sixth month of pregnancy, I'll have figured something out."

I sniff. "Like what?"

"I don't know yet, but please just trust me."

Suddenly, I cough, and a sob comes out, and I wail over the phone, completely shamefully, "Antoine, I miss you... I miss you... I miss you... I want you to hold my hand... I want to make out with you... I wish you were here holding me and kissing my forehead and whispering sweet little things in my ear. I would be able to feel the breath on my ear and... and... and... Ugh, Antoine, I miss you. I'm so sorry for yelling at you. Thank you for talking to me. Your voice is the only thing that keeps me going... Things have been so hard, and my emotions have been all over the place, and I was just... I don't know... I didn't mean it... I'm so so so sorry, Antoine."

"Oh, no, Belle, please don't cry..." he says, sounding so sad. "Please don't cry..." he nearly whispers. "I wish I could comfort you. Oh my God, this is hell... Oh my God, Belle, please don't. It will be okay. I'll be there again before you know it..."

I try to hold back my sobs, knowing how much it hurts Antoine. I don't want to hurt him... No, I can't hurt him... I know how it feels to be hurt by another... "Antoine..." I breathe. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, oh my God, I'm so sorry..."

"Listen to me, Belle, okay?" Antoine says, his voice getting serious again.

"O- Okay...?" I ask softly.

"I love you, and I forgive you. Please don't cry and please don't feel guilty. I understand things are hard for you, and we will blame it on all the stupid hormones, okay? It's what happens. Literally science. It was an understandable mistake, and you have an excuse. I've forgiven you, which means we can both also forget about it, okay? We're good, right?"

"Right," I sniff with a nod. "I'm sorry I'm so hard to deal with, Antoine."

"Oh, Belle, I love you. Love is patient. Love cares. Love doesn't keep a record of wrongs. It is forever. No matter what you do, I'll love you. It's okay. Don't feel bad, okay? I will keep on dealing with you, because I know that you are my future."