rays of sunlight // Antoine Griezmann

Chapter 28

I keep telling myself I can do this.

Antoine also keeps telling me I can do this.

More like I have to do this.

I have to survive on my own.

Together, we finished cleaning out the attic. Every so often he would pause to kiss my lips or stroke my cheek or simply say comforting words as we did that.

He got me a job. He told me, "Belle, lovely, I know you are not feeling at your best, and I am leaving some money here with you, but we both know, no matter how much it does not feel like this, it is best for you to get a job. Otherwise you might get lost inside your thoughts." Even though I could not find much meaning in that, it sat right with me.

He also told me I would have to make sure to watch every single Real Sociedad match. I smiled at him and kissed his lips and said of course I would.

So now, here we stand, and I know he hates to see it, but I am shaking. Crying. I suppose I am sobbing.

"Belle," breathes the love of my life, wrapping his strong, protective arms around me. He gently rocks me back and forth. We stand outside the airport, in front of the big impressive plane he is about to get on, out in the hot blazing August sun. "I am going to come back to you. You are going to call me whenever you need me. You are going to see me on television. Everything I do on that pitch is dedicated to you and God. Okay? Just... oh, Belle..." he hugs me tighter.

I cry into his shoulder, whispering, "Antoine, please do not go. You can not go..."

"I have to go..." he mutters, and I think there is a crack in his voice. I look up at him with my ugly red tear stained face to see his eyes are watering, too. Just wet enough. "I would give everything to have you come to San Sebastian, Spain with me, you know. But I will text and call you. We will stay in touch. And if you need me, I will be there, no matter how many kilometres we are apart... Okay?"

"No..." I cough, looking into his enchanting blue eyes. "It is not okay, Antoine. It is not. But my whole life is full of things that are not okay..."

I feel so bad when he looks at me like he has just been torn apart into a million pieces.

"Do not look at me like that, Antoine," I squeak, hugging him. "I am saying that everything sucks, so I can... survive this."

"Just survive, Belle, and I will be back before you know it."

"I guess I just liked the way you kinda... I don't know... I kind of liked that way you numb the pain."

"Oh, Belle," he says, hugging me close to his chest again. "Can I not numb it from afar? I will be back by the time your baby is showing! I will be there when you have the baby, love. I will be there... Just... wait for me, Belle."

Wait for me.

"All I have ever had to do is wait. Wait for happiness. Wait for good things. Wait for you."

There is so much pain in those gorgeous eyes as he whispers back, "Then can you not wait a little bit longer...?"

I swallow and nod. "I guess... I can..."

Suddenly, he cups my cheeks between his two hands. Those hands that have become so extremely familiar. God, I will miss them so much... He presses his lips against mine in the most loving, passionate kiss ever. I feel like I could crumble into his arms. I want to. I want him to hold me and take care of me.

Finally he pulls away, and he says gently, right into my soul, looking right into it past my eyes, "I will be back, Belle Bain. Wait for me. Bye... I will always love you, no matter how far away I am... No distance will numb this deep love I have for you, okay?"

I nod, unable to talk.

"Take care of yourself and your baby. Be careful who you associate with and talk to. If you do not know what to do, call me. Keep yourself safe, and use good judgment. Call the authorites if bad things happen. Don't be afraid to do that. And call me also, if you need help with that, before or after authorites are called. I just want to make sure you remain safe... And..."

"Yes?" I get out.

"Never stop loving me, just like I'll never stop loving you... I'll only be gone for a time. I'm coming back."

"Okay..." I mutter.

He gives me one last hug, and we whisper into each other's ears at seemingly the exact same time, "Goodbye, I love you."

And then he finally breaks apart from me for the last time, and turns, and walks onto that airplane, pulling his suitcase behind him.

He doesn't even stop to look back. Maybe because he knows if he did, he wouldn't be able to actually leave, get on the plane, and head to San Sebastian for football.

I stare at the plane for as long as I can. I hope he's looking through the window getting his last glimpses of me. That is what I would like to imagine he is doing...

If God was real, he wouldn't give me someone like that and then take him away like this.

I'll only be gone for a time. I'm coming back.

I will the tears not to run as the plane takes off. I stand there staring at the sky, until the plane is just completely out of sight.

And that's when I break once more. My broken pieces break into even smaller bits. My whole body shakes as tears stream down my face and I crumble to the ground, so sorrowful I'm unable to hold myself up.

I sit there, on my knees, on the hard, hot cement, tears dripping onto the ground to be evaporated as quickly as they appeared, and I scream into the sunny day, dragging my hands over the rough cement,

"Antoine!"