Don't you see you're beautiful

Drown in love, not fears

I close my eyes and let the slight smell of the sea tingling my nose .

We have not even arrived yet but I can already feel my belly twists from anticipation.

Here I am again , me and the sea , after all these years .

This summer I decided to spend my holiday with a group of friends , so maybe it would be different ... I close my eyes and all the intrusive thoughts of my mind sink on the rhythm of the radio's music

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"Whoohoo!" my friends happily jump and run all over the dreamy area of sand .

Everyone in the group is so excited to come to the beach and enjoy it, while I have feared this moment since the day this idea came up . But what else can I do? I didn't want to be the boring friend who's gonna say no and deprive everyone of fun , just because of a personal issue.

As they're all savoring the moment , I decided to go for a walk and do what I loved the most at the beach when I was little : collecting seashells .

I look at the rough waves crashing on the golden floor . You can do it Saya, it's not that close... As I walk nearer to the water , each step makes my heart pound harder in my chest , nervosity pulses on my head and goosebumps already rise in my skin .

Suddenly , a couple of children that were chasing each other ran towards me . As I try to avoid them , I lost my balance and fall straight into the cold water of the sea.

I turned my head and at this moment , my entire body froze .

A giant wave rose from the ocean , like a blue and terrifying monster ready to swallow me whole and take me to his lost empire of fear. I shut my eyes and the powerful body of water hits me at the same moment as faraway memories tear my mind .

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"Mom ! let's go pickling some pwetty seashells!" I grabbed my mom's hand by the thumb with my tiny hands and dragged her near the water, where hundreds of little colorful shells shine with the light of the hot summer.

"Alright my love , just wait for me a little bit, I forgot to put you some suncream . Stay here, I'll be quick !" While mom was looking for the product in the bag, I brought back my attention to the sea jewels I had in my hand with a smile on my face. I look around and notice a bigger one, few steps further " wahh! this one so pwettyy !!"

I run to catch it but as soon as I touch the little treasure, I feel a crushing weight collapse on my 5 years old little body.

"m-mommy....! MOM !" I screamed but there was no sound coming out my mouth. I succeed to get back to the surface of the water before the water drowns me back again . I cried and tried to debate from the invisible hands who drawed me down and suffocated me.

As I close my eyes, tired to fight , a warmful hand and a familiar voice pulls me out of this nightmare.

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"SAYA!! Saya can you hear me ...? please open your eyes for me ...please!" I open them and a friendly silhouet appears slowly . The water of his dark blond hair was dripping on my chest as his strong and protective arms were lifting me. He stares at me with worry and tighter his hold against his chest when he notices my unsteady breath and my body shakes.

" Tyler ...?" I'm so embarrassed that he sees the worst of me , the part I wanted to hide from everyone , my friends but especially him, my crush .

I have had this trauma since the day I almost drowned , at the age of 5. Since that day, it has been impossible to walk near a water point like lakes, swimming pools or seas , until today. I wanted to overcome this fear but ended up so miserable again.

"Oh my god Saya you scared me! I really thought you drowned ...!" I could feel how much he's concerned by the way his usual enthusiastic voice was replaced by unsteadiness.

As he feel my  struggle to calm down , he carefully raises his hand above my eyes to hide my face from the sun "It's safe to close your eyes don't worry" I slowly shup my heavy eyes "Really good  , now just listen to the sound of my voice, come on let's breathe together...1, 2, 3...hold your breath and... release..."  His deep voice was so calming and soft, the sound of the waves slowly being replaced by the rhythms of his heartbeat and our matching breaths .

It was the first time I got through an anxiety attack this fast .

When I reopened my eyes , the first thing I saw was the deepness of his blue eyes . It was the only ocean I'll never be afraid to drown in .

"Thank you Tyler ... for helping me... and sorry for what you just saw ..." I say , trying to get up by his hold but holds me back and hugs me tightly like he was going to lose me again if I go .

"Never apologize for that Saya , I'll do my best to help you win this invisible battle . You are not alone anymore, remember that ." 10 minutes ago , I was having the biggest panic attack of the month and now all I could feel was the increasing heat on my cheeks and my heart beating like crazy because of his words .

He smiles at me and lowers his face until the tip of our noses lightly touch.

" Don't you see you're beautiful ?~"