For long have I waited, I'm hopeless.

Chapter 11 - Story Ender Sword

Where should I start? How should I start? You're reading this despite having many more things to do. I'm glad you're reading this. Reader.

If I was asked, what is my favorite weapon, it would be the sword. Why?
Nothing much, it looks cool.

Then what will be the name of your sword if you ever have one?
I have many in mind but there is one that is my favorite. The Sword of Story Ender.

Why has that name triumph over many sword names?

It's very simple, the sword is something a wielder should always trust with, in a fight, he should trust his sword just as how he trust himself. They must have each other's back, and the name of the sword reflects the inner-self of the wielder, as such. I chose the Story Ender to cut my story, to end my life.

Wait.. Why did I choose swords for this particular story?
This is because we have our own lives that we live, each has different and unique one that will always differ no matter what. But why swoooords? Ehem..

We forge our own paths and decisions, and behind those are the experiences we have accumulated and is created that will support us. The swords we will wield for the next chapter of our lives where we will forge another one, we can't carry the same sword every single time but it can be identical. Swords are very cool to hear for me that's why I used it but not only that, it's somewhat similar to our lives, on how it's created and how we use it and what the wielder will use it for.

Reader, should I tell my whole story? Nahh, yes, I also think so too that it will be too bothersome. So let's leave many parts and summarize it in a very short story.

-The First Sword; Sword of a Child-

At an early age, my dream was to become a doctor of children, Pediatrician. However, it was crushed by harsh reality when I came to knowing that life isn't that easy in such an early age, the environment I grew up also did not help me but looking back.. We were a happy family, living with a face masks that is.

I tried to change, adapt, learn and most of all improve. Then my Dad left us without prior notice, my Mother who doesn't know what to do have received help from her parents. I who was clueless at that time, continue to live but I knew something was amiss, like something got left out.

Few years have passed, I have become a pleaser without myself being conscious about it. My Dad returned, nothing much has changed from me aside from getting tired and scornful of his naggings about me and his teachings about the house that later I would regret not listening. The free time I had was spent on playing video games or drawing. My decisions were also controlled by my parents so not much enjoyment aside from learning in the school and playing games at the house.

-First Sword; Forged-

-Second Sword; Sword of Continuity-

My teenage years finally came. More freedom, friends, going out, money.. is what I have in mind, but nothing really changed. Aside from the name of the age having 'teen', it was rather disappointing so I did cared not much of it in my early teens.

Oh before that, I graduated from elementary and I entered high school with fear because of the stories my Dad told me and the home works I saw my senior brother is answering. However, I thought it was going to end there, fear that's. I was an outcast in my class and I found myself running through other sections of the same grade level to comfort myself and socialize but in the end I was crushed hopelessly by the very same people that should be helping me.

I recovered from that trauma rather quickly after a few months and that's when the huge plot twist in my life came. My Dad did something that no man should do, he became a boy. My Mother who caught him tried to talk it out. Little did I know at that time, it was the start of my despair and depression. My Dad left, my mother and brother was left. Brother and Mother often fight because of something very simple but because they are both stressed I tried to understand them and I was aided by my patience. Little did I also know, that little by little, something that is dormant inside of me has started to move.

In spite of all that, I was fighting all those problems and found my real end-goal in life, my very dream that gave me all the hope in life has ever needed. A total of 3 years, nonstop, I became broken but built and refined myself countless times. But because I was too focused on that, my studies were left behind. My parents were disappointed and was angry as to why I was doing that, when it could be the game changer of our lives, I was exceeding and better, learning much faster than any average player but no. They gave me a painful reason to stop.

My Dad, who I admired so much since when I was a child, gave a stare that would torment me up to this present day. The stare of disappointment, when what I was doing was to make him proud of his son, for him to boast of me when I succeeded. I was broken beyond repair but I was able to move forward knowing he still cares for me. That's when the unfortunate series of events happen.

-Second Sword; Forged-

-Final Sword; Sword of the Lost One-

Pandemic came, everything I know of and the very same hobbies, got restricted. No communication with other people, just me and my mother. I found the situation very problematic but also at the same time, as an opportunity. For the first half of the year, I did almost nothing but to draw, watch k-dramas & anime's, eat and sleep. Then I got fat so badly that I was disgusted by myself but I did not heed much attention to it as my life of a senior high schooler is about to start.

I thought online class was going to be fun but fuck-, my goodness, it wasn't. Excluding the internet, I was handling almost everything at our house, cooking, cleaning, laundry, and also tending to the needs of my mother and my brother who came back from my grand parent's house. Slowly it piled up but I was fighting it, at that time I was beginning to break apart. My mother informed of me about the mental health, that was when I had a vague idea of what I was experiencing. I tried fixing myself but then came the very event that broke me a million pieces.

My Dad have slept eternally, leaving us, me, behind. All what I have bottled up inside of me, bursts out, I became a new person.

It's too tiring to explain explain what happen during that time even though it's summarized haha.

At the end of it all, I have questioned myself, have my Dad truly loved me?
Did my Dad truly wished to die? Just why, he knew smoking was dangerous..

Have my Dad truly cared for me? The stories are crazily mixed up and not once was I able to confirm any of it because both my parents are hiding information and manipulates it..

Was the time I spent in my childhood right? I feel guilty knowing I could have done better instead of chasing my desires.

If I have intervened, could the present be changed? I was there.. I could have been a game changer.

Just who am I? I'm lost, despairing, unable to think clear.

I have many questions that is yet to be answered and have little time to do so, I don't have much time, time is catching up to me. Although, I know time is an illusion, it's that very illusion that's pressuring me because others believe it, they are aging, suffering.

I just need answers, it's that simple, so why.. Why can't I have them..!!

That's when I decided to end it all.

-Final Sword; Forged-

-The Story Ender Sword-

A sword that can end any stories, I, the sole wielder, who is far from being a normal person, have decided when to end it. Where my story should end, when I should use it, because right now, I have people I want to cherish but that doesn't mean it has completely disappear, because it's forged. There will come a time when I will eventually use it. To end or to start, it will depend on the people I love wholeheartedly, as the current me relies on them too much.