I love you, no romo

CHAPTER 2: I thought it wise to hold my tongue

A month had passed since the picnic. I still had one more week until school started. I couldn't believe how time went by so fast. I don't remember doing anything aside from laying in my bed scrolling through random YouTube videos, watching One Direction's funny edits, and feeling like a trash can. I would resort to using a sharpener's blade on my stomach, arms, and thighs when feeling completely lost and unsure of what to do. At the same time, I was worried about school. I wanted to do everything perfectly. I wanted to attend my classes regularly and get good grades.

Every day, I felt like I was wasting my life away, doing nothing in particular. My sleep was ruined. I don't even remember the last time I had a good night's sleep. All I ever did was eat, sleep and deliberately damage my eyeballs by the incessant amount of screen time. I couldn't bring myself to help Grandma with household chores. I just couldn't get out of bed. She never asked for help. She never said a word, which hurt me even more.

Mom would always ask me to fetch things for her. She would always give me another chore before I even finished the first one. I hated it. I tried to tell her to slow down and give me more time to finish the task at hand, but she never did. She would always keep nagging. Her nagging only made my anxiety worse, and I hated myself for not being able to complete the chores because I felt so low, I didn't feel like doing anything. I guess nothing has changed. I still don't feel like doing anything.

I am a terrible person. I am living off of my parents' and Grandparents' money. They are wasting their money on me. I am not worth investing in.

I had numbed myself to the point that even when I saw Grandma doing household chores, I didn't feel compelled to get up and do them myself. I wasn't able to feel empathy. I hated being like this. I had no purpose, nothing to look forward to.

I felt like a ghost, merely existing but not living.

I had one more week to get my life back together, to fix my routine before school started. I decided to wake up at 5 in the morning but failed to do so the next day.

What a loser, I thought.

I was not ready to give up so easily, so I tried again. This time I woke up at 5, got ready, and headed to the front yard. 

My heart rate was high. I could feel it.

 I was greeted with a fresh morning breeze. The sky was a mix of shades of blue and a tinge of orange. The Sun was rising. The cuckooing of birds broke the deafening silence of dawn. I don't feel so bad at the moment. The numbness inside of me persists, but I think I'll be fine.

I headed back inside and saw Grandma walking down the stairs. She nearly jumped in surprise when she saw me up so early.

"Oh, God! You almost gave me a heart attack." She laughed.

"I'm sorry." I chuckled.

"And let's not joke about heart attacks, shall we?" I added. She mouthed the word sorry, fixed her robe, and then walked to the trash can.

"I already took the trash out," I stated.

"You did what?" She exclaimed. She looked at me in astonishment.

"Chill out, Gran. I said I took the trash out." I replied.

"No, I heard you the first time. I just wanted to confirm if I was awake and that this was not a dream." She said, scratching her temple. I laughed.

Grandma blinked twice and then walked back to her bathroom. Meanwhile, I made Grandma a cup of coffee.

I looked at nothing in particular while thinking about my life. I am running out of time and I need to do so many things. I could feel my heart rate rising. I didn't realise when Grandma entered the kitchen. Her eyes widened with surprise as I handed her a fresh cup of coffee. She smiled.