Dear, Him.

First met

I remember when i first saw you in the library hall, along with the other freshmen. When I initially approached you, my intention wasn't genuinely to pursue a romantic interest in you. It was more about engaging in playful and quirky flirting to test the extent of my attractiveness. You didn't really respond to me. I found that intriguing, considering I had managed to capture the attention of the most popular and attractive guy in your group, who seemed to be infatuated with me constantly. How could someone who might be considered below a 3 out of 10 just brush off my attempts at love? This led me to start observing you closely, wanting to understand you better. Most guys would fall head over heels the moment I flashed them a smile. But you? You barely acknowledged my presence. I didn't appreciate that notion. I wanna know why you acted that way.

From a distance, I began observing you, following you into the library where you managed to captivate my attention. Thoughts of you consumed my mind, causing my heart to flutter. I yearned to know you better because you were different, unlike anyone else. I wanted to become your friend. As the leader of a small club or friendship group I had created for lonely students like you and me, I extended an invitation for you to join. Although the club faced instability throughout its existence, you stayed until its official disbandment, and a close-knit friendship circle formed with fewer than 15 remaining students, including you. I only had my eyes on you, even though i was dating several people at one time. I had been a player, and I felt ashamed of my actions, realizing they were solely self-serving. I used to perceive love as repulsive and a waste of time, convinced that true love was nothing more than a fantasy depicted in children's movies.

However, everything changed when I met you. You became a single dot of vibrant color in my otherwise grayscale world. You began greeting me, sharing smiles, exchanging numbers, and occasionally texting. Gradually, my world transformed into a vivid spectrum, and my perspective on love itself started shifting. I started to believe in the existence of genuine and healthy love, realizing that I, too, could find my own happy ending.

That was the moment of realization when I understood that I desired you. I longed to become your everything and have you be my everything in return. Until then, I hadn't recognized the feeling of love that I had never experienced with anyone else. While I did feel love for my family, friends, and pets, it was different when it came to romantic relationships with boys. The love I had encountered in those relationships felt superficial and lacked authenticity. Especially when all they seemed to focus on was physical touch and engaging in sexual acts without my true consent. How could that be considered love? Is that what real love is supposed to be like? If that is the case, then it is disgusting and not something I would ever want to commit to. I would prefer to live a short life, unmarried, rather than being coerced into a counterfeit marriage that is driven by lust instead of genuine love.

But you, for the first time in years, made me feel something different. You, however, brought about a profound change within me after years of feeling emotionally numb. You ignited a surge of emotions and a newfound determination to persevere through the harsh realities of life. You instilled in me a sense of hope and a longing for something more. I envisioned a future with you, picturing us in a home with the child I had always yearned for. A relationship that was stable and healthy, a future that appeared brighter than anything I had ever imagined. It felt as though my once-lost soul was rediscovered, and I realized just how much I needed you.