insomnia

Time

Change did happen.

Eventually.

Of course I had the members there to help me if I couldn't sleep.

That was pretty often.

But they were there no matter what.

In all that they did to help me I started to realize what I was doing to myself.

It caused so many problems in my life.

Some I didn't even realize were problems until I was getting proper sleep and meals.

But now they are not my problems anymore.

They are gone forever.

I hope.

Now I don't feel drowsy.

Now I don't feel nauseous.

Now I don't feel slow.

And I most definitely don't feel so exhausted.

So when I had my first real meal after two weeks it was...

An experience...

I felt even more nauseous after that meal and wanted nothing but to throw it all up again just to make it stop.

But I didn't.

And I was okay with that.

I was also okay with the fact that after that night with Minho I was able to get more sleep.

Even if it was just for four hours.

It was progress for me.

Even so, sometimes that progress doesn't really feel like much.

Sometimes I can't help but want to be okay again in a snap.

I know that what I went through, what I'm still going through, was because of my mental health.

But I refuse to accept that it goes deeper than me not sleeping.

So on the days where I would not make any progress, I feel like one huge disappointment.

Those are the days where I don't want to do anything at all.

However, the members are there to pick me back up.

They always are.

They're there to remind me that progress isn't always linear.

That I'm going to be okay.

That I'm not my failures.

It brings me comfort to hear that.

Though, I don't always believe it like they want me to,

I kind of just act like it's believable.

Because it's easier to act than to believe.

Trust me, I know.

Still, as much progress as I've made, I know that I have plenty more to go.

Besides I've only just begun my journey.

I've still got a hell of a way to go.

It'll take time.

This certainly will take a lot of it.

And I think I'm okay with that.

I think...

...

Only...

time is of the essence.

And I'm running out.