Boundless

you won't get to see the tears i cry

Avery

Avery Young's mother pauses mid-reach for a weed in her tomato garden. She sits on her haunches and casts a look of disbelief at them. Wiping the sweat from her brow, leaving a streak of dirt in its place, she squints at Avery.

"So let me get this straight," Avery's momma starts as she resumes her weeding. "You want to throw your good job away to go to college in another state for something you don't need a degree to do."

Avery's mouth presses into a firm, thin line. They shift in the lawn chair. They didn't think this conversation would be easy. Their momma was dismissive of almost everything they did since they were a child. This isn't proving to be any different.

When Avery says nothing, their momma continues. "Let 'lone the fact you trying to pack up and move 'cross the country, you want to go to college to make jewry," their momma chuckles as she stands up with her weed basket in hand.

"And what exactly is wrong with that?" Avery retorts. The sarcastic smile slips off their momma's face.

"What's wrong is that you already set up with a great long-term job and yet you trying to abandon that to do what? Waste money on some fancy degree that won't land you a job any better than what you got already?"

"You don't know that, momma." At her scoff, Avery's face begins to heat. "There're things that I can't learn to do by myself-"

"What else YouTube for?" their momma interjects, dumping the weeds into a plastic bag. She sneers at them, and Avery feels like they're eight instead of twenty-four. "What, you can't follow it? If you can't even follow 'long with that, what make you think you'll follow along in a classroom? They not different if you ask me."

Their mother goes into the house through the sliding door. Avery follows behind her. "I wasn't asking for your permission."

Her footsteps halt before she whirls around. "Avery who you talking to," she says with a warning in her thin brow.

Avery swallows the lump in their throat and continues. "I already put in my two weeks' notice and submitted my deposit to the school I'm going to."

Their mother's jaw goes slack with disbelief. "Are you stupid? Go in tomorrow and tell them you changed your mind. Tell that damn school you ain't going."

I have to stand firm, Avery thinks to themself. "Momma, I'm mov-"

"You doing what? You sure as hell ain't leaving." She crosses her arms.

"Momma--"

"Don't you even think of talking over me, lil girl." They falter. Their mouth goes dry and their eyes tingle at the low blow.

"But isn't that what you're doing to me right now?" Avery rushes out, face hot.

Avery's mother just looks at them before swiftly turning her back to go into the kitchen. She turns on the faucet and starts to scrub the dirt off her hands. Avery tentatively enters the kitchen and stays by the entryway.

After drying her hands, Avery's mother fixes them with an unwavering stare. Avery tried to steel their trembling spine but was unable. They bite the inside of their cheek and wait for the volcano of their mother to erupt.

"What'd you tell me for? You wasting my time."

"I just wanted to tell you," Avery says, and then curses themself for the whimper in their voice.

"You just wanted to tell me?" Their mother mocks with air quotes. "You said you didn't want my blessing so why you 'just wanna tell me'?"

That, Avery didn't know. They know how their mother is. And yet somehow they thought that maybe they'd find acceptance in a woman who has criticized their every breath since they were born.

With a look of determination, Avery forces their feet to take them to their room. They look around the 9.3' by 12.6' space that they inhabited since the time they were old enough to sleep in a bed.

Bittersweet reveries close Avery's eyes and tightens their throat with unreleased sobs. They are leaving all that they've ever known behind. The pain, the neglect, the disapproval, the snide comments, and the judgment. But they're also leaving behind their father's imprints of their environment, their childhood, their job that has always treated them well, and despite her callous treatment, their mother.

Avery opens their misty eyes and sniffles. Using their shirt sleeve to dry their eyes, they sort through their belongings to see what they would take. If they know their mother as well as they think they do, whatever they don't take or sell or donate will be thrown away. They grab their large duffel bag and pack them with the clothes, shoes, toiletries, mementos, and keepsakes.

Well, now all Avery had to do was bide their time for these next two weeks and then they were free to pursue their dream in Philadelphia. They are going to leave and not look back. There was nothing to miss anyway.