Fine Time

Prologue: Olive and Romeo

Olive

It's a constant thing.

Hiding the truth behind a smile with and without glassy eyes. If anyone questions how I am feeling, I'll just say that I am fine.

Fine.

It's the word I use most, because I can't tell the truth, but I hate lies. I hate lying and I know that when I say that I am fine, some people will see through my lie, with that one 4 letter word I manage to spit out on a weekly, to a monthly basis.

I want people to know I am not fine, but I also don't want people to know. That I am not fine.

When my eyes get watery and someone asks me if I'm alright, if I am about to cry. I tell them not only am I fine, but that I thought of something funny that makes me cry of laughter, when thinking of that very thing.

If I am being honest. I do find it so funny, on the verge of tears funny, how my life is so messy. It's comically sad.

Sometimes I actually feel fine. Then sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind.

The pain is always there, but at some times, I don't even notice it.

It is messy, because I can't even explain my feelings without complicating even myself.

At many moments I am not scared to die, I am just scared of whom and what I'll leave behind.

I know I am not the only one who feels this way though.

I know.

I know.

I know.

But most times, I feel alone.

I can be with a hundred people in one big room, and all I'll hear are rambles, laughters, All I'll see are faces directed at me. I feel like I am always being judged. By what I wear, by my looks, with and without makeup.. By my hair.. By my weight.

Like my curves aren't curvy enough, or I look too flat, too chubby, too weird, too gross.

When I don't care or know or think people are judging me. I judge myself.

I judge myself when I walk, about how I walk. I judge my own laughter that I know everyone hates and finds weird, but I can't help it most times. I try to be myself, but then I hate being myself, but it is difficult to try to be anyone else.

I judge the way I talk, how I never say the right things, I don't know how to react properly to people. I freeze, panic, stress.. I am always aching everywhere. I can't fit in with anyone.

I have never been in love, I never seem to keep friends. They all come and go and I know. I just know it is my fault.

My parents don't love me... And I don't love myself.

So then it is good that I am alone, because how am I supposed to love anyone properly, if I can't even love myself properly.

I do love my closest friends who haven't left me yet, but sooner or later they will.

One time I screamed, which I thought was just in my head. People got blurry, my surroundings got blurry. Voices went from too loud, to fading away. I was able to feel my heart in my throat, to my head, then It felt like I lost it. I felt crazy. I only left for groceries, then suddenly there were paramedics and I was being rushed to the hospital and when I woke up, I wasn't able to remember all that happened, I was told what happened by a doctor. I don't think she told me everything though, so I wouldn't freak out, but after time and time, I started remembering what happened. I was in the hospital for a week, they ran tests on me, examined me, prescribed me for therapy. I tried my best talking about my feelings, tried telling my therapist about how I feel, how the voices in my head often get too loud, then too silent, without seeming crazy.