Not So Silly

More often than not, he'll have this feeling rise within his chest: a sense of dread for the upcoming known, familiar feeling; a sense of anguish and anger knowing it's unstoppable; a sense of grief because it's happening again; a sense of exhaustion because it's so mentally draining that it's hard to even describe; a sense of resign because it's bound to happen again and again and again.

He has these moods sometimes, and every time he does and even if he doesn't, he always feels so undeserving and ungrateful. He always feels like he shouldn't feel this way because he has a roof over his head, he has food on the table, he has a loving mom who's willing to do anything for him, he has all the novelties and materialistic things in the world and if he wanted more he could get them. He feels so ungrateful because truly, he's one of the luckiest kids in the world. Given the power of the number one hero, accepted into the top hero school, loving and accepting friends who care about him—most people don't even get half of what he has!

So why is he sitting in his room, blinds closed even if it's dark out, music playing through bulky headphones so they don't slip? Why is he sitting in his room, back against the wall, head between his knees, acting like an anime school girl who just got her heart broken? Why is he looking at his lap, then up at his window, then at his door, then at his phone as he changes the song, as if he's expecting someone to open the door and see him in such a sorry state and ask how he is, if he needs help, if he's okay.

He wants to know if whoever hypothetically walks in would take his normal I promise I'm okay! Training has just been hard, and then with school; it's kind of a nightmare, heh. He truly wonders. The chances are low, because the chance alone of someone hearing him or coincidentally walking in is in the thousands decimal wise, but he can hope and pray because never in his life would he walk up to someone and beg and ask for help. No, Deku's the strong hero who's always a shoulder to lean on and to rely on, the one who will always be just a word away. Deku's the one who everyone can go to.

Deku: useless, useless Deku, who seems to have found his purpose in being the therapist friend.

From Ochako's financial anxiety, to Iida's OCD, to Kirishima and Kaminari's ADHD, to Koda's social anxiety, to Sero's family problems, to Tokoyami's loneliness, to Jiro's sensitivity overloads, to Sato's probably-eating disorder, to Katsuki's seasonal depression—he knew just about everything about everyone, really, because Deku is the one who everyone leans on.

No one knows Izuku anymore, not really. No one knows how he was treated growing up, how he had lost his dad, how he had no friends, how his thoughts had known more about him than his mom, how he wished to sleep all day, how getting up was a chore, how he wanted to stay in his room all day and do nothing, how he wanted to kill himself. No one knows the struggles he went through, because those struggles were Izuku's problem, and he doesn't think he's heard anyone call him that name since he came to UA. No one has uttered those three characters, not like the way his mom used to at night when he couldn't sleep because quirks filled his dreams, a sense of longing in his chest; not like the way Mitsuki and Marasu would smile when he and Katsuki had come home from school prior to quirks being present, not like the way—

...Who else called him Izuku since then?

No one, really, and maybe that makes him want to cry just a little bit more, and maybe that makes him turn up his music even though it's already practically bursting his eardrums, and maybe that makes him want to forget how to breathe because no one has called him anything aside from useless for the past year. And he knows: he signed up for it when he said it's a nickname, when he let Katsuki use it, when he made it his hero name. And he doesn't regret making the name known for himself—he doesn't regret being a symbol of hope for those who are quirkless and think they're useless—but he does regret allowing everyone to forget that under his smiles and help and strength he's a person too. A person who isn't invincible like Kirishima's hardening, a person who isn't super strong like Sato, a person who isn't surrounded by those who can understand him like Koda, a person who isn't loved by everyone at their worst like Kaminari, a person who isn't friends with a group because of a close bond like the girls, a person who isn't able to piece himself together all the time like Sero can with his tape. He isn't strong like they are, because all of his classmates feel comfortable with everyone and like they aren't excluded from everything because of hobbies and likes and dislikes. His classmates can all go to the mall in fancy clothing but he can't because anything that isn't his "t-shirt" shirt or hero costume makes his skin crawl, and he can't understand their fascination with things that are movies instead of video games because he can't sit still long enough to pay attention.