crossroads

2

it is the day of the election and you walked out of the voting booth after being guided by a student council senior on how to vote. you glance behind to see suyeon walking out of the booth soon after, a small smile on her face which you also return as you waited for her. both of you walk side by side back to the hallway, seeing the next class standing in a queue, waiting for their turn to vote.

you didn't expect suyeon to stick by your side since the day she moved a week ago. knowing that she is more familiar with the middle and upper classes at the school, you expected her to have friends in other classes that she can go meet or sit with during recess, leaving you alone to treat yourself—by finishing the mandala art or doodle a rough sketch of a greek god statue courtesy of the internet and 'save image' button—as you eat the lunch that mom gave at the obscure corner of the cafeteria where you know nobody won't bother you because: they are too lazy to walk to a corner far from the main civilization of the cafeteria, or they don't notice you at all.

last week, as you were seated, reading hiromi kawakami's the nakano thrift shop alone, you see a tray being set down in front of your lunchbox and a figure sitting behind it, realizing from her features is your new seatmate. at first, your eyebrows were raised in confusion, your brain wired some reasons to make them do what they do. then she started talking, no, introducing herself more.

"i moved here from a school on the other side of the neighborhood."

"not many of my friends go here though. i mean i've seen some of them from middle school."

"ooh, i've wanted to read japanese fiction before."

what's nice, when you thought about it, is that she didn't push you to talk more given your small replies. she allows you to gather your mind up as she talks without making a ruckus, unlike the other tables. your mind slowly making up about the girl as someone who genuinely wants to be friends with you, considering her the first friend you made in high school.

she treats you like anyone else. that is because she doesn't know your real situation. you almost got caught a few days ago as the two of you are waiting in front of the lobby when she innocently asked,

"where's your car?"

and you can't say anything because you don't want her to leave you alone, retreating yourself back to what you felt in the first year.

she doesn't know that you stayed with her at the entrance because you walk to the nearest station to go back home, unlike her. yet, she doesn't comment much on how you wear wired earphones instead of wireless ones like the pair that she used, how you brought your own lunch where she can buy one at school. you wanted that to last until you are sure she is ready to know the truth, your truth.

as you are both seated in class, waiting for the announcement, the students around the room talk openly about who they choose for the election, you see suyeon leaning to your side from the corner of your eye, whispering, "i know we aren't supposed to share who we vote. but i vote jay, how about you?"

when the candidates were first introduced, you were contemplating if you should abstain from voting or not, leaving the ballot empty without any sign of you interacting with it other than touching it with your hands. you didn't want to vote not because all of the programs they brought out for their campaign is bad. you didn't want to vote because you want to be neutral, knowing that each policy or aspiration that they brought doesn't affect you significantly.

that is until last week when jongseong gave you the rocher.

as you stand at the voting booth, opening up the folded paper with the names of the three boys. your fingers are fidgeting, wanting to fold them again following the decision that has been decided.