self indulgent g&p stuff

depression

this is your last warning: this is the place for my self indulgent stuff, so there will be a lot of topics like sh, sui, gore, trauma, ventish stuff, disturbing stuff, blood, violence, mental illnesses, internalized ableism, internalized abuse, it will be too much for me to tag, i strongly advice leaving rn bc it will keep appearing. like i said this fic is just for me to make myself feel better (and maybe share with my friend), so if you are going to go ahead and read it dont say you werent warned. warning is that i like to talk about the topics i mentioned above in a joking lmao way because i use humor to deflect my pain in an unhealthy way as a way to avoid facing my pain, even though they are such serious topics, and it has a history of making people incredibly uncomfortable, so if you think you will please leave. also it will be very ooc, i write this partly bc i want to see chris being loved. ok, you have been warned.

there might be ships in this, but all queerplatonic. sex is disgusting tho, and im a minor.

christopher shut his laptop. its already morning, so he can get out, pretending he had slept at night. he stood up and got out. "kennith." he said with his uninterested tone, as usual. "yo chris!" kennith got closer to him. "...you didnt sleep again, did you." he said, disappointment tinted his voice and his cheerful look. "what do you expect from me." christopher made it sound more like a statement than a question. he is always like this. "well, just... at least take some basic care." kennith lowered his head slightly. "we care about you, after all."

now, whats with all this again? kennith is caring for me.

so why do i dont feel happy for the tiniest bit? why didnt my mood lift for even the tiniest bit?

why do i even feel a tinge of irritation? rage, even? this is not right, i am not supposed to feel this. i should not feel this, this is wrong.

"yeah." 'i know', no matter how hard i try, i cant seem to put it in my mouth.

do i really know?

know what?

seeming satisfied, kennith leaned on christopher while christopher stand completely still like a tree. "i suppose you are not feeling like eating too?" "no." "at least try to eat just a bit for me? something you relatively like to eat?" "i will." as kennith stand back up christopher finally walked to sit down at the big sofa. "jesus, christopher, you always wake up so late." frances said, sitting on the small, one man sofa. christopher simply hummed as a response. what does she want me to say? "you young man are always wasting away your life like this."

i have heard that for too many times. i stayed silent again.

i suddenly feel like clawing my face off for some reason.

christopher grabbed a piece of bread then torn it into half and ate one half of it. he has been enjoying the feeling of hunger too much. maybe. he doesnt know. he simply started scrolling his phone. the blinds are always closed due to his and frances' condition. no sun is allowed to enter the room. its great.

christopher wish the sun would explode.

there wasnt really much for him to do. after drawing stuff and writing stuff he end up staring at his phone, scrolling back and forth at the home page. he tried some video games, but none of them feel interesting anymore.

nothing in life seem interesting anymore.

it has been a long time since he feel that heart pounding feeling that makes him active.

so he let his mind wander off again while he swipe his phone.

"hello? crispy, are you there?" nancy looked at him. he looked back. "ah, there you are." nancy smiled. he feel irritated again. why? "well i just want to check on you. you recently seem even more, yknow, upset than usual." he doesnt feel like talking. he needs to talk, but he cant seem to muster the strength. he needs to talk, or else nancy would get angry. "...well, if you dont feel like talking its fine." christopher would have widened his eyes in surprise if he has the strength. nancy is not angry at him being rude. she did not say "are you mute." "you are impolite." "IM TALKING TO YOU! ARE YOU MUTE OR SOMETHING!?" she did not get angry and yell at him. she did not get angry at the shoddy excuse of "dont feel like talking", "everyone feels like that sometimes, you still need to talk, it is wrong not to talk, you childish, foolish, immature incompetent rude spoilt--" "you are better than those whiney spoilt little brats who goes like 'weeeee i dont feel like talking so i am going to throw a tantrum and cry and possibly get abandoned by society but its not my fault its all your fault weeee'! why are you acting like one!? no one will accept someone like that!" she did not. why? why? he knows that it is his fault for not responding, but she wasnt angry? why?

why why why why why why why why why why why why why?

"if you feel like talking, come to me anytime. im all ears!" and then she left.

he doesnt understand anything.

now he is having energy.

he feels extremely agitated, like he want to scream and throw tantrums like aforementioned spoilt brats.

he did not, because he musnt do that.

he wants to die again.