Sunshine and Pine (A Sequel to Everything to me)

A Muddled Head

The relief I feel when our spot comes into view is palpable. What I can't explain is the sinking feeling in my heart that follows. Was a small part of me hoping he'd be here? That he'd be magically waiting for me?

I know I could just go find him at his house, or at Emily's. But I can't just gloss over everything that's happened. You can't disagree on something so huge and just run back into eachothers arms. But fate has intertwined us forever. And I miss him so much it physically hurts. So I need to know why he chose the way he did. So that I can make sense of it.

I pull out my phone and start typing out a message to him. I've only typed half of it out when a twig breaks behind me.

"Lucy?" Paul's voice breaks, and I let out a shaky sigh before turning around.

"Hi." My voice is tentative, unsure how to proceed. All I want to do is run to him. Wrap myself in his arms and forget everything for a while. Paul takes a hesitant step towards me, like he wants exactly the same thing. I nod at him and he takes the remaining steps so fast I barely have time to take a breath before I'm exactly where I wanted to be. His warmth and scent flood my senses and my heart is absolutely singing. Paul's shoulders start to shake with silent sobs and I pull back just enough to rest my forehead on his.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Lucy. For what I said when you left that day. I was so angry at you for leaving me. I wanted you to be angry too, to stay and fight. But the way I hurt you... Lucy I will never be able to forgive myself." Paul has clamped his eyes shut, and I can see that he's beating himself up. Probably replaying the moment, like I've replayed it so many times myself.

I run my hands up his chest to rest them on his face. "Hey, look at me." It takes a few moments of stroking my thumb on his cheek before his eyes open, staring pleadingly at me.

"I forgive you." The words hang in the air for a moment. Paul takes a deep shaky breath, before pulling me into his chest again. If it weren't for my own supernatural strength, he would've crushed me into him. We stay like that for a moment, until Paul's breathing returns to normal.

"Can we sit down together and talk about it? I don't know if I'm ready to go straight back to where we were before we at least do that." Paul hums in agreement before unwinding himself from me, slipping his arm around my shoulder instead. He doesn't want to let go of me, which is perfectly fine by me.

We curl up on the ground, backs resting against a fallen log. We sit in silence for a moment, neither wanting to disturb the peace. It's me that finally breaks it.

"I think I did the right thing. I don't regret protecting Renesmee." I say keeping my eyes fixed on the forest floor. I can't seem to look at Paul, cause I feel like that's not at all what he was expecting. His apology was so beautiful and emotional, I feel like I should be giving him the same. But I'm not sorry for my choice. "She's so amazing and gentle, and I'm so excited that she's a part of our pack. And I'm so happy for Jacob. It was such a beautiful moment to witness" I finally turn to meet Paul's eyes. "But I am so sorry for leaving you. I never meant to hurt you. I felt like there was this big black emptiness trying to swallow me the moment I walked away. It took all of my willpower all of the time not to run back to you." My face is streaked in tears now, and Paul's hand comes up to gently wipe them away. "I couldn't give up this fight though. And I really need to understand your side, Paul. Why did you choose to fight?"

Paul takes a deep breath, his eyes boring into mine, and he doesn't hesitate at all. "For you. It's always for you Lucy." His hand falls from my face only to grab my own hand, absentmindedly playing with my fingers. "I've heard stories. Legends of leech kids that were totally uncontrollable. Just imagine a tantrum, but instead of, I don't know, throwing toys or some shit, the kid slaughters people. And when it's hungry, can kill for blood.

When I saw what Jacob was thinking that day, how this kid was going to be at least half leech... I saw red Lucy. I saw this kid wreaking havoc on LaPush and on forks and god knows where else. Killing everyone. Killing you. And I just couldn't let that happen. It just wasn't worth the risk to me. Not when it's your life we're talking about."

His eyes never leave mine. It's the kind of intense eye contact that would normally have me shriveling in on myself. But I can't even fathom looking away from his face right now. "Well that's a pretty good reason." I breathe out with a chuckle, breaking the intensity. "Maybe next time we should talk about it before we both turn into walking corpses." I say gesturing to the bags under my eyes. A laugh bursts out from Paul, and now that I'm looking for it, I see a lot of the color has come back to his face even since we sat down.

"Yeah, maybe." He says with a smile. "But just for the record, you're the most beautiful zombie I've ever seen."

The smile flowy fades from Paul's face. It brings a frown to mine, cause I want nothing more in this moment than to get it back. Paul's voice is so unsure when he speaks.

"Can I- Could I just hold you for a bit? I just need to feel that you're ok. That was too long to go without you in my arms." I'm already crawling into his lap before he's finished talking.

"You know, you said the same thing when you had to wait thirty minutes before crawling through my window once too." I can't help but joke at him, but I've already nuzzled my nose into the crook of his neck, and wrapped my arms around him too.

With a deep inhale Paul's arms cinch around me like he's never going to let go again, and it's the most comforting feeling ever. "Anytime you're not in my arms, it's too long." My lips turn up at the corners, and I lift my head just enough to place a soft kiss on the column of his neck. A shudder racks through him making me giggle. His grip grows impossibly tighter at the sound.

"Paul?" I whisper.

"Yeah honey?"

"I think it's going to take me a bit to get back to the place we were at. I feel like we can't just rush back to where we were after something so big. I'm not ready to feel that kind of pain again."

Paul's voice is so heavy with conviction when he replies. "I will do everything in my power to make sure you never feel that kind of pain again." I lift my head up to look him in the eye. "And you set the pace Lucy. I don't care how fast or slow we go. As long as we're doing it together."

I bring my hand to rest on his cheek, my eyes glance down to his lips. They part open when he notices. Why am I nervous? This feels like a first kiss for some reason. He brings his hand up to tangle in my hair and moves in closer to rest his forehead on mine. He doesn't go any further though. He's leaving the last little gap for me. He's giving me the control here. This man is amazing. With a warm feeling in my heart, I lean in the last bit and bring our lips together. The kiss is somehow soft and gentle, but desperate at the same time. Like neither of us have had anything to drink for days and we've found water. I get completely lost in it, before Paul is gently leaning away.

Pulling back, a puff of air burst from my lips in an attempt to clear my muddled head.

Paul's laugh fills the forest and he smirks at me. "Still the master of charm." and I'm giggling with him, throwing a playful swat to his chest.

"Don't get too cocky there, Lahote. You're the one who won't let go of me."

There's still a smile on his face, but all of the joking is gone from his voice.

"Never."