Poems that help me grieving

Letter to Nicolai

Dear Nicolai,

You are the best friend I ever had. All the years we have known each-other, all the times we laughed, we cried, we plotted. All those years seem so far from where I am standing.

I'm sitting on the edge of the skyscraper that is grief, it feels so very lonely where I am.
I cannot imagine how lonely you must feel in your fortress of involuntary, voluntary solitude, confronted by the single greatest battle anyone can fight, to accept the concept of their own mortality and the way you will be remembered for all eternity.
Do not fall into despair my love, you will be honoured by all of us, the people that were lucky enough to be let into the cosmos that is your love.
You will be remembered as what you were, an artist of the most wretched, yet most painfully human stills; a writer who created some of the biggest worlds, filled with life and death, with stories so fantastical and dystopian, yet so real; a friend who unconditionally loved those around him, even though you would never admit it. You will probably curse me out while sarcastically making fun of yourself; yet knowing it to be true; and in this love I know you cast us out of your last, pitiful months, because you cannot cope with the thought of us pitying you or thinking that this illness of yours would make you bitter and unlovable.
I remember you telling me, that next to dying, your biggest fear is realising that you'd be a terrible person, and you will probably think you are a terrible person for casting us out, but let me tell you this: you are still the best friend I could ever call my own.
Unfortunately you still hurt us more than you could ever imagine. It cannot be articulated other than this: your selfish actions out of self-preservation killed all of us inside. But this pain and vacuum you left in our hearts, let us to find each-other, strangers that are solely connected through you. Those people are just like you, the kindest souls I have ever met. They will never be able to fill the void you left though.
So if there's one good thing I can take from this, it is going to be the fact that I met these people and that my grief and loneliness are shared and understood by [those lovely people].

One year has officially passed since the last message you send me, and I am saddened by the burden of probably never knowing why you cast me out.
While it is taking all of my strength to not break down by this burden, my only wish for you would be, to at least, say goodbye to your other friends.
At this point I do not believe you will ever answer me, but at least do so to your other friends. They deserve the closure.

I will forever love you.