𝐀𝐍𝐄𝐖

Anew

It's been two years since I wrote on Wattpad. It's been even longer since I updated my most prolific story "And You'll Be My Queen." But it's been approximately 2 seconds since I last thought of it.

Isn't that strange? Isn't it both simultaneously weird and wonderful how something can impact you so much? How something can sway you, can change you so immensely that you still think of it years later?

If you're reading this right now, then surely you understand. Surely you, too, had a bond with that story. Isn't that why you clicked on this one?

I want to explain my absense, not because I feel the need to apologize or excuse myself on not updating the book, but because the past two years have changed me in countless ways. Yet despite that, I am the same person. My skin is still smothered in freckles, my eyes as green as my mother's, and my hair short above my shoulders. The only thing that might have changed about my appearance significantly are my quads. Not to brag or anything, but they flex and pop when I walk now. I guess that's what 3 leg days a week will do to you (I promise I enjoy it).

There's something that brought me back here, despite all that's happened. So, my friend of the past, please hear out my story. Hear my journey, and hear my desires for the future; the most hopeful part of this text.

For reference, this will cover some sensitive topics, such as disordered eating, sexual assault, and suicide. I don't get into detail about any of these things, but I do still speak about them, so consider this your trigger warning.

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I was falling in love around the time I left.

If you recall a few things from my messageboard in 2019 (which I would be impressed if you would), you would remember I was fond of a female friend of mine. It was unreciprocated for a long time, and this friend is far less empathetic than I am, so falling "out of love" with her was quite easy, especially when I was introduced to someone new.

His name starts with an "N" so that's what I'll refer to him as. He doesn't look anything like N from Pokémon though, so don't get your hopes up.

N and I knew each other for years. He had a crush on me back then, but I was still reluctant to be around men at the time.

For a bit of context, and I'm saying this plainly to avoid getting all depressed about it, I had been sexually assaulted by a family member a few months prior to writing AYBMQ. This family member was male. He commit suicide after I called the police on him, and as a distraction from the guilt and suffering I felt, I wrote AYBMQ.

Back to N. I knew he had feelings for me, but out of my fear of men, I pushed him away. I stayed with my feelings for my female friend, even when they were never reciprocated. Feeling them was safer than feeling the dangers of a man again.

Cut forward to COVID. I've now recovered from the SA trauma and no longer blame myself for my assaulter's death. AYBMQ was no longer a trauma response - it was an obligation to my readers. And my romantic feelings for my friend were no longer needed - there was nothing to protect myself from anymore.

N and I got closer towards the end of our junior year. Along with a growth spurt and newly grown fluffy hair, N had changed drastically. He was no longer some silly 15 year old who was too socially awkward to speak to women. He was kind, selfless, and patient. And don't get me wrong, he was still a goofy teenage boy, but there was a certain maturity about him that led me to trust him.

Our senior year, the summer of 2021, we were assigned to be the 2 section leaders of the clarinet section in marching band. We were going to be spending a significantly larger amount of time together. And every single day, every single second I'm with him, I'm so grateful the stars aligned that way.