Heart&Seoul || jjk/kth/bts

Chapter 2: Long-distance

Bridget

My plan was to talk about the application form to my parents this evening, but my uncle has just flown all the way here from South Korea for his yearly visit and I don't want to ruin our dinner by ranting about how tired I am of this system and how I want to get my life back. My sister Leigh is visiting her husband's family, it'll just be me, my dads and my uncle Pete who I haven't seen in nine months. He always has so much to say about South Korea, when he speaks his eyes light up with fervour, like moving to another country was the best decision he's ever made. And to be honest, it shows. He left England twelve years ago, when I was only a child, but I've seen the change in him. He looks a decade younger.

I wish I could travel abroad, too, and I mean for longer than an average vacation. The financial means wouldn't be an issue, which is a privilege I'm grateful to have since both of my dads are lawyers, it's just that the idea has never really been taken into account. I'll let my uncle talk about South Korea for as long as he wants, I'll listen to him with dreamy eyes, wander with my imagination and dissociate from reality until he's finished speaking. Maybe my stories will be just as inspiring if I get to be an exchange student.

"So, Bridget, how's university going?" And yet, he stops narrating his adventures all around the world to ask me this tricky question, blissfully unaware of the secret I've been keeping. I take a deep breath before answering.

"It's, uh... I don't know, really." The burden inside me is too heavy to ignore. I give in and feel immediate regret seeing the concern on my parents' faces. I've witnessed their worry far too many times. I've never been a quiet and angelic daughter, unlike Leigh, and yet every time feels like the first one.

"What do you mean?" Dad furrows his eyebrows, clearly not knowing what to expect. I have to drop the bomb. I've gone too far to take It back or reduce it to 'I'm a little stressed around exams'.

"I mean... I'm exhausted. Truthfully, it's making me want to quit."

"Quit?" Dad gasps. "But you were doing so good, honey."

"I have good grades, that doesn't mean I'm doing okay... emotionally and physically." I may be a decent student, but at what cost? How much happiness is it going to take away from me? How many tears am I still supposed to cry before I get my degree? Is it really worth all of this, I'm wondering? I've lost every stimulus, I feel like I don't have a purpose I want to achieve anymore.

Everyone has frozen in their seats. My dads don't make a sound for what feels like ages, my uncle is visibly embarrassed for bringing up such a delicate topic, and I'm... well, I'm walking on thin ice. I know my parents want me to graduate from university, it's my wish too. Am I going to be my family's disappointment once again?

"We had no idea you felt this way" Dad finally speaks up again, although his voice is hoarse from containing his emotions. He's the most sensitive of the two, and his watery eyes threaten to make me cry at any given moment, as well.

"I never opened up about it 'cause I didn't want you to worry for me," I confess. "I thought it was just a temporary feeling, but it's only getting worse. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm too tired to keep going." I've got to the point where I can clearly hear the numbness and exasperation in my own tone. Another long silence follows my words.

"Listen," Dad is trying to think of a reasonable solution. "It's not too late to change faculty, maybe different courses will suit you better."

"Dad, the issue isn't what I study. I love Biology, it's my passion and I don't wanna change that. The problem is the environment I have to do this in. The English system sucks, you've always agreed with me on this. Besides, the routine is really bringing me down, same places, same faces, same timetable... it's too much, I'm not motivated to do anything different."