𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐯𝐚𝐦𝐩𝐢𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐯𝐢𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐦

Part III: Ghost Secrets

"Mama." Leo's furious whispers wake me up. "He's my friend. Be nice, please." He nudges his mother, thinking I can't hear. But I can. Of course I can. And even if I couldn't, I would be able to predict already that his mother would hate me. Because everyone does.

"Listen to me, Lionel. He is not a good person for you to hang around with. Look at his tattoos, look at him! Why him, my son? Make friends with nice boys, not him." Her tone is so sickeningly sharp and it's piercing my heart and stabbing me through my head but I'm not dying. I'm not dying, I'm just lying here suffering for the rest of my life like the depressed ghostly boy I am.

"I'm sorry, ma'am. I'll go." I apologise, and I turn to walk away but a hand grabs me back. The touch of a boy, of a certain boy I may or may not be in love with. I bow my head, letting his strong arms pull me down again towards him. I feel his lips attach to the back of my neck and I want to turn around and scream because I'm so scared so scared so scared but I don't want to move in case he moves first and it's all over.

"Stay. Don't go, Ney. Don't go." The movements from his mouth reverberate around the tingly nerves in my neck. "Mama, I like Ney. I like his tattoos. It's up to me who I want to be friends with."

I feel every single drop of filthy and lovestruck blood rush to my head. He likes me. Maybe not in that way, but he said he likes me. My head feels like an empty mansion, big and spacious and pointless and I just want to laugh because I'm pulled into the overwhelming sensation of wanting to kiss him.

I do not think it is possible to endure such pain.

The control it takes to stop myself from throwing my arms around him and kissing the living shit out of him is immense and it's only going to be a little while longer before I can't do it anymore, before I go feral and kill another boy with my lips. The only reason I'm keeping my mouth shut and mind closed is because I want him to stay. I don't want him to die just yet. Not to die now.

"Fine, Leo. You choose your friends." Her voice is cold and bitter and I can almost feel the frigidity of the words cutting into my skin. Leo doesn't say anything, doesn't move. His face is still buried in the back of my neck and I feel his arms sneak around my waist and I want to die because I am barely even managing to control myself.

He pulls me back onto the bed so we are sitting opposite each other — a perfectly normal position, and I can't help but think I was imagining this all but I stop breathing when he leans forward and his lips are on my neck again. This touch. This soft and scorching touch.

"Leo." I utter one word but it's so quiet because I don't want him to hear it, I don't want him to stop doing this. His arms are creeping around my neck, pulling us closer together in another hug. My hands find the base of his back, settling at his waist and we just stay like that. Maybe if I'm not really in love with Leo, I wouldn't be feeling such a temptation to just cry.

I wanted to break down and spill every single thing about me, about my feelings and depression and my overwhelming fury at my little secret that I still can't tell anybody. Where do I go from here? What do I do now? I just have one word in my head and that's the only word that's been stuck in my head all day long. "Leo."

"Thank you." He murmurs into my neck, and — somehow — tears start to form in my eyes. I find it so beautiful and irritating and sad that tears blur your eyes when the world's too hurtful to look at. Why was he thankful for me? What did I, pointless little Ney, do to him that made him so grateful for me?

"For what?" My voice is choked-up and I almost feel the sobs rise in my throat. I smile. I smile because I need to disguise my emotions, I need to disguise myself. People are smart — Leo is smart. He'll find out I'm hiding something, and it's only going to be this long till it's not going to be hidden anymore.

"For being my friend. For hugging me. For being you, Ney. I love you." His voice goes quiet at the last three words and I visibly move back. "What's wrong? Did I say something wrong?" He pulls away from the hug and I'm hit with the cold air of the unheated room as his warm chest is no longer on mine.

"No, nothing. I need to go. It's getting late. You need to have your dinner."

"Okay."

I almost break at the sadness in his voice. Is it possible— is it? No. It could never happen, me and him. Number one reason: the obvious one, I can't kiss him. Number two: I've known him for two days. Number three: he's a boy and he's probably straight as a ruler.

"I'm sorry. But I really do need to go." I grab his hand, play with his smooth white fingers before I finally have

to

let

them

go.

I'm sick of letting things go. And I'm sick of fearing this love. I just need to wake up and realise that I am in love with him. It's him that makes me fall apart and holds me together. It's him.

And I don't know what to do with this. Should I be happy because I found the love of my life... or should I be heartbroken that I'll never be able to love him right?

I really just don't even know what to do at this point. I mean, of all people, I was cursed with this horrible... this horrible disease that's practically and literally killing me. I mean, first of all, I didn't even do anything wrong. I don't see anyone else in the world killing people with their lips, and heck would I know, I've been pretty much around the entire South America! So why was I even plagued with this? Was it, I don't know, a mistake on nature's part? Was I a little fault, a little error that was too unimportant to be corrected and realised?

I guess so! Just because I'm vulnerably and unhealthily in love with Leo, they choose ME to give this annoying thing to. 

Honestly, all I can say now is just... I love Leo. But I hate Leo.

And the only reason I hate him so much is purely because I've grown up in a world where the only person I've learned to hate is none other than myself.