Kiss me under the Moonlight

Chapter 12

I haven't realised standing before closed doors and mulling over a thousand thoughts have become my recent favorite activity until I found myself doing it again.

Only this time I knew what I would face once I opened the door and I wasn't ready for it.

Truth be told I don't know if I would ever be.

But all separation needs a confrontation. And all difficult conversations have to start somewhere. I know I can't avoid this anymore yet the reality of the situation didnot scare me any less.

I took a deep sigh before gathering every ounce of courage that was hiding in the dark corners of my heart to open the door to my mother's room.

I expected to see her lying in the bed hooked to an IV bag supplying her whatever energy that her pale frame needed. But I was surprised to see her sitting by the open window and looking at the sun as a soft breeze billowed over her black locks peppered with white streaks. She closed her eyes, a dreamy smile touching her lips.

"It took you quite sometime didn't it?" she said not sparing a glance my way. Then again has she ever spared a glance at her family in all those years. I was not bitter at her nonchalance anymore. But I didn't want all these locked up memories to resurface with her expected actions. I willed myself to swallow the harsh comebacks and sarcastic eyerolls which my 'supposedly-ill' mother would most definitely not appreciate.

"If you could call a decade as some time", the words slipped before I could stop. That did make her turn around. I settled down for a shrug to avoid the uneasy stare.

"Hmm. It doesn't feel like it though. When you are half awake and half asleep in this world, floating between timelines, I wonder if ten years would feel as a long time" she said with a sigh turning back to stare out the window into nothingness.

I didn't know how to answer that. I still can't fully comprehend her condition. Even the doctors couldn't. I wonder if she knew what was going on with her physically. Knowing her even if she knows what is happening around her, she wouldn't share that with anyone unless she wants to. Even if it's her immediate family. What runs through the endless voids of her mind stays buried there.

"You seem awfully silent Arthit. I know you are here because you were asked to. You could have refused if you weren't ready yet" she said her eyes softening with something that I have never seen before. If people did not know my mother like I knew her, they would have mistook that look for kindness.

"Wouldn't that be totally new to the Rojnapat household? The children are actually allowed to do what they want to and not what they are told" I asked this time without holding back, as the sarcasm burst through the barricades I built. I could see that my words cut her. She was visibly shaken and her expression turned grim. She closed her eyes getting up from her chair. It only made her dizzy. I caught hold of her before she could faint and fall to the floor.

I felt guilty. I know there are some wounds that run deep. Some childhood cuts that are still raw. But I also knew that my mother is not in a condition to take all the words firing out of my mouth, like a targeted missile.

"I am sorry. I didn't mean to snap" I said swallowing hard. This time it was guilt and not just my sarcastic replies.

"I don't blame you. The things we do thinking what's best for our children might always not be what brings happiness to them. In the end there is an undeniable fate that no one can escape" she said looking into my eyes and giving me a sad smile. As much as I am used to not understanding my mother, this was different. I am more used to the outright dismissal of my questions followed by the silent treatment. These cryptic words were new to me. Should I be happy that she is talking more or should I be confused because despite her being talkative, her words make no sense?