Ted Lasso OneShots

Birthday...?

Set post-series

Roy paced. And he paced. And he paced. He paced in circles around his office, laps around the locker room, and up and down stairs until his bum knee gave way. His hands were in his pockets, behind his head, fidgeting in front of him. He had no idea what to do, who to ask. He was stuck, confused and agitated, with time running out in him.

'Roy, you ok?' Beard asked when he arrived, three hours after Roy, and saw him sat with his face down on his desk.
'No.' Roy said, raising his head. 'No, I'm not. I'm fucking confused.' Nate joined Beard at the door, looking between the pair.
'What's- what's going on?' The kitman asked, spotting Roy's baffled expression.
'Roy's confused.' Beard replied.
'I think it's time.' Nate said. With a nod from Beard, Nate borrowed Roy's desk phone, dialled a number, and barked three times.

Within a few minutes, Higgins had made his way into Roy's office, breathless and slightly sweaty. 'For fuck sake, this doesn't need the fucking Diamond Dogs.' Roy said.
'Oh I think it does.' Beard replied. 'So, Roy.' He began, sitting in his chair and leaning back. 'What's got you all discombobulated?'
'Discom-? Never mind. It's a long story.' Roy said.
'Please, bark away.' Higgins chimed in. Roy looked between the three of them before sighing and standing up to face them, albeit slowly.

'Last year, Jamie showed up to Uncle's Day. Don't ask, it's Phoebe.' Roy began, answering the unasked question. 'Anyway, the little prick got me a fucking brilliant gift even though was some stupid, made up, fake fucking holiday and now it's his fucking birthday in four fucking days and I dunno what to fucking get him.' Roy said quickly, agitatedly talking with his hands. There was a pause where the Diamond Dogs thought, sharing looks whilst Roy watched on almost hopefully.

'A watch?' Beard said
'A pen with his name inscribed.' Higgins suggested
'A hamster?' Nate added.

Roy looked at them again, incredulously. 'Are you lot fucking joking?' He turned to Beard. 'Jamie has about a thousand watches, even though he can't tell the fucking time unless it's digital...' he turned to Higgins, '...he can't spell for shit, so he probably wouldn't even know it said his fucking name on it...' he turned to Nate, '...and he'd probably get overly attached to the fucking hamster, accidentally kill or lose it within a week of having it, then cry about it for the rest of the season.' The three men stared at Roy. 'So no, none of those and you're all fucking useless.' With that, he stormed past them and out of the office, where the team had just started arriving for the day's training.

TEDLASSOTEDLASSOTEDLASSOTEDLASSOTEDLASSO

Rebecca jumped as her office door banged open and a furious Roy Kent stormed through it, ignoring her startled expression. 'Roy! Good grief, you scared the shit out of me. Are you alright?' Roy merely grunted as he began pacing her office, hands balling into fists at his side. 'Right, I see, well... goddammit, Ted always knew what to do when you go nonverbal but I'll be damned if I know. Is there anything I can do?' Roy grunted again, nodding. 'Ok, are you going to tell me or am I just going to have to figure it out?' Roy stopped pacing and just looked at her, grunting quietly.

'Right. Is it the team?' Roy grunted, shrugging. 'Ok, a player in particular?' Roy nodded. 'Jamie?' Roy nodded again. 'How did I guess?... has he pissed you off again?' Roy shook his head. 'That's a first. Is he here?' Roy nodded. 'Is he dating Keeley again?'
'For fuck sake, it's his birthday in four days and I dunno what to fucking get him!' Roy burst out, making Rebecca jump and taking a deep breath afterward. 'Well, I'm glad we're back to talking.' Rebecca said, Roy grunted. 'Do you want my advice?' She asked.
'No, I want you to give me his Mum's number.' Roy replied.
'You want me to what now?'
'Give me his mum's number. She's his next of kin, you must have it.' They looked at each other for a minute, then Rebecca sighed.
'Well I know if I don't give it you, you'll only ask Jamie so I'll save you the awkwardness. I'll send it to you.' Roy grunted, nodded, then turned and left her office.