Beyond the end

Prayers

Dylan and Brenda were staying in a wonderful bungalow with direct entrance to the Ocean in Phuket. Every morning they found trays of tropical fruit. Clean towels. Flowers. Champagne. In their souls took place the crystalline blue dotted by the white salt beach. They were literally in an earthly paradise.
Brenda watched Dylan sleep. He drew the contours of the profile. She loved his long eyelashes. The scar on the eyebrow ..
"Brenda stop staring at me," he said without opening his eyes.
"I like to stare at you"
"I know this"
"You were right, we needed this holiday," Brenda told him, giving him a kiss on the lips.
"I don't want to upset you," he said, opening one eye, " but I'm always right"
"Yeah.. ," Brenda smiled.
He took her with him and they kissed more deeply.
"I want to go to the temple," she said.
"Seriously?"
"Yes, the Wat Chalong temple"
"Why?
"It fascinates me, I mean, staying here should be amazing, really great, but it's starting to get too commercial for two like us. I want to take a bus and go to the temple"
Dylan looked her as Brenda wrapped her naked body in the sheet and got out of bed.
"I know you want to go too"
"In fact," Dylan laughed, "I like it, but first I want to take a bath in the Ocean."
'Nacked?' She asked.
"Don't you come?" He replied by raising his interlocutory eyebrow.
They both threw themselves from the pier of the bungalow, naked, playing with the water, laughing. For a moment Brenda had alleviated her thoughts, her worries. The blue of the Indian Ocean looked good to Dylan in a far-fetched way. He shone..
She would go to the temple and say a prayer.
So that time would not give way to despair, for everyone to be protected. She felt the need to pray, to ask any higher entity he was listening to be blessed by a child.
In the late morning they took a bus crowded with people. It was a bus that smelled of moisture and sweat but Dylan and Brenda didn't seem to care. They were part of something.
The heat was starting to be suffocating, the children swarmed around them asking for money, to eat, speaking an strange English.
Upon their arrival in Thailand, the guides had warned not to give anything because the children would multiply, because beyond the extra luxury resorts, around them, lived and survived a humanity broken by misery, tainted by hunger.
Shortly before the temple it was full of booths. Some with souvenirs, others sold stones, talismans, propitious rites, spices. A colorful market. An outdoor show of people and objects.
Brenda stopped looking at almost all of them, intrigued and immersed in the real-life pinwheel.
"Do you want anything?" A woman of ancient beauty asked her. Very small in height and with a very white smile.
"I was looking at this stone"
"The carnelian? The stone of fertility"
Brenda takes a quick look at Dylan but her husband doesn't seem to have any reaction.
"An old popular tradition" explained the seller "I even put it in this bracelet"
She pulled out a bracelet made of worked silver and with amber stones set.
"It's very nice," Brenda exclaimed.
The woman hooked that hope to Brenda's wrist and under the eyes of Dylan who felt his wife's desperate searching for something to lean on to hope for. If it was just a bracelet.
They paid due and didn't want the rest.
"Good luck," the seller told them.
"Thank you," Brenda smiled.
They went on along the dirt and dusty road. Under a peaked sun that forced you to squeeze your eyes even behind the dark lenses of the glasses.
Brenda and Dylan arrived in front of the prayer wheel. It was a cylinder rotating on a central axis, made of metal and wood. You could see in relief the effigies of the Dakini gleams and the eight auspicious symbols of Astamamgala. In the center of the cylinder stood a wooden tree of life, inlaid, precious. Thousands of mantras had been wrapped inside. Spin the wheel was tantamount to reciting a prayer.
Brenda tried to visualize her prayer, to give it a outline and a definition and then turned the wheel clockwise, like the sun rising and setting. She felt something penetrate her flesh. He watched Dylan do the same. Turn the wheel. Praying but had no idea for what.
They smiled.
Los Angeles
Casa Walsh.
Brandon and Kelly were tight together in bed. The baby-talking resting on the bedside table reported that both Sammy and Grace were sleeping. However, neither of them had given particular problems with sleep, as opposed to Ethan, at least that's how they had heard.
"I think you should call the dean tomorrow," Brandon said as he played with her hair scattered on her chest like he loved to do Kelly after made love.
"To tell him what? We thought about possible solutions and didn't find any"
"I think you have to accept that job"
"Why? How?"
"Kel," he said, taking her face with both hands, "do you remember when you came to Washington?"
Kel seemed confused "which of the three times?"
Brandon smiled slightly "once you came and we got together. We were kids. We were so beautiful. Seeing you behind my door I realized that miracles existed and that courage had your name, the last time was just as intense, because it was something I didn't hope for. You were back for me, and you know, as I approached and saw your silhouette sitting on the steps of my house I thought I was going crazy, and that I even saw you so because I was in love with you."
Kelly laughed and Brandon smiled back.
"But there was a second time, in the middle where you came to Washington. Do you remember that?"
Kel nodded.
" And that time you sacrificed yourself so that I could follow my dreams. Exactly how it happened at the wedding called off"
Flashback
years earlier
Washington DC.
Brandon sipped coffee and wrote furiously on his laptop. Outside the view was snow white. A storm coming down from Canada that reminded him of the long winters of Minnesota. The streets were deserted. It was a pleasant atmosphere for him. In which he felt comfortable. His apartment was strict in its austerity, full of boxes to finish closing, but enjoyed a beautiful view of the tree-lined avenue and the neighborhood of low, residential houses. However, he had to leave that appartment shortly. He was leaving to Rome. Correspondent for the Chronical, a great opportunity. He was a little sorry. It had been his first landing. The place to start again.
He had been leaving Beverly Hills for three years and immersed himself in that city. In his stories. In politics. In the winter gray sky. He thought about what he had left down there but tried to stop it.
He corrected a couple of drafts and sent a few emails. He was following the case of the beating of a black man by the police. A case that vibrated and crumbled. Someone had made videos as the police proceeded. Wills Brown was the name of the victim. Willis Brown was unarmed. Willis Brown was dead. His latest article. There was also a practical English- Italian vocabulary on the table.
As Brandon was immersed in rereading his pieces, he heard the intercom ring. He thought it was the neighbor's. He was not used to receiving visits. No one ever came to see him. The intercom rang again. It was just his. Brandon put the now cold coffee on the table and replied.
"Who is it?" He asked
"Kelly" a female voice re-emerged from the past and to Brandon it seemed like a tremendous mistake in his memory, a deception of the soul.
"Kelly Taylor," the voice said. Brandon opened the door and then the housing door. She saw Kelly emerge from the stairs with a small trolley.
"Kelly.." he said surprised.
"Hi Brandon," she smiled, sighing happily.
She was even more beautiful than she remembered. She hurried to get her case and let her into the apartment.
"I can't believe you're here," he hugged her tight and plunged into the scent of her hair.
"Sorry maybe I had to warn you, but I was in town and Ithought I'd surprise you. To visit you."
Brandon couldn't find the words "come seated. Sorry for the mess"
"Are you moving?" She asked her looking around.
"Let's say," he replied without specifying any further.
"I came to the city for a conference for the company I work for. The conference was yesterday. Due to the snowstorm the flight was canceled."
"Oh," he pointed.
"And so I thought I'd stop by and visit you"
"And when do you have the flight?"
"Tomorrow morning, I hope."
Brandon smiled "I'm glad to see you"
"Me too"
They hugged each other almost in disbelief. They hadn't seen each other for almost three years, that's since Brandon left Beverly Hills.
'Where do you stay?'
"At the Meeting, but believe me it was an adventure to get here. All this snow devil makes me regret Beverly Hills" she looked him in the eye "I bet you like it"
"I love it"
"Of course, you were born in the middle of the snow."
"Do you want something to drink?"
"A hot tea?" Kelly proposed "I'm frozen".
"Coming soon," Brandon replied.
Kelly took a short tour of his apartment.
"And that's where you came to hide," she told her.
"Yeah," he smiled, grasping the irony.
They sat on the couch. They talked about more and less. What Donna and David's wedding had been like.
"We saw your video, I'm sorry you didn't come."
"Me too, but I just couldn't," he replied with a lie.
Kelly raised her eyebrow and didn't go any further. Because in that beyond maybe he already knew the answers.
"Dylan how is he?"
"Well," she replied, "well."
"Are you always together?"
"No" Kelly looked at him with determined eyes.
"No?" Brandon was quite surprised.
"We broke up a week ago."
"Oh"
"Ah don't be surprised Brandon. Dylan is a lot of good intentions but then living there together is a whole other thing."
Brandon followed her profile in silence, all those traits seemed much more familiar and functional to him. He felt relieved that she was no longer with Dylan. After all, he considered Kelly something that belonged to him. Despite everything. Despite what had happened. Despite.
"Why are you here Kel?" He asked her by surprising her.
"I told you for the congress"
"Kel" he sighed.
Kel's smile went out a little under the weight of his eyes. Brandon knew how to read it. She had showed up in the middle of winter with a suitcase..
Kel's tears came up and she brought out a truth that perhaps Brandon had already perceived when he had seen her go up the stairs.
"I wanted to get away from Los Angeles and I didn't know where else to go," she said in tears.
Brandon couldn't resist Kel, he had never succeeded.
"What happened?" He asked, welcoming her in his arms. It was so strange and so powerful to have her there with him. He admitted to himself how many times he had waited and hoped that she would appear as she had appeared that day.
"I don't know, I wanted to get away from Los Angeles. With Dylan it doesn't work, we went back to arguing and arguing and decided to break up. My company is doing a staff reorganization and I think I'm about to get the letter of dismissal. At one point I felt suffocated. I took the first flight. Without even the hope of seeing you again. But I got it. And I'm here. I just want a little peace."
Brandon listened to her, making it his own. And so he was still his safe place.
Unquantified time passed. So. On the couch, hugged. Silent.
Did you eat?" He suddenly asked her.
"No"
"I'm hungry. Do you want to eat? On a full stomach you think better"
"Yes," she said.
They went to the kitchen and began to scrape things from the refrigerator.
"It's been a while since you've been shopping Brandon," Kelly said, laughing lit by the refrigerator light.
Outside the wind had resumed blowing hard and making swirls of snow slamming over the windows.
Kelly carefully prepared the table.
"I don't think I've eaten on a set table since I left Beverly Hills"
"Well," she replied, "the context is important. One thing Beverly Hills teaches is that the image matters"
"It's true," he replied.
They sat at the table. Nothing special. A little pasta with ready-made meat sauce, salad.
Brandon felt like the best lunch in the world and Kelly felt that stable heat again. The one she had been tremendously hungry for years.
Kelly and Brandon talked about him mainly, Kelly was full of questions and even disappointment because he had never called her again.
"I knew you were with that guy... Matt..."
"Matt yeah, another life experience" Kelly continued
"And I knew Dylan was back," Brandon concluded without saying another word.
"Yeah" she sighed.
"I don't know, I think it was already painful like that and I didn't want to make things worse"
Kelly didn't answer, maybe Brandon was right.
"I missed you," Brandon revealed.
"You too" they said it without even thinking about it, they said it because it came from within. From a hidden place they had both tried to bury after their non-marriage and departure.
They washed the dishes laughing several times.
"I think I should go back to the hotel" Kelly said "it's late"
"Why don't you sleep here?" Brandon proposed to her and Kelly served him a strange look.
"No, don't get me wrong. I'll give you my bed and I'll sleep on the couch, I'll be harmless. I promise you. But look the weather outside, we could spend more together, what do you answer me?"
Kel smiled "you on the couch and me in your bed?"
"Stay" he just said Brandon " and then tonight there's a marathon of horror movies. Do you remember how much we enjoyed seeing them together?"
"Yeah"
Kelly's anxieties and fears had disappeared the moment he had crossed the door of Brandon's apartment and he realized that his trip to Washington had no specific purpose, other than to land in a safe harbor, to catch his breath. It had been an instinctive thing that had come to her at a time of great difficulty. And as she had already done once, she had taken the plane again and had gone to him.
They settled back on the couch as television broadcast yet another horror movie.
"What are you going to do now that you get back to Los Angeles?"
"I really don't know," she replied.
"Why don't you take your master?"
"What do you mean?"
"You could re-enroll in the CU and take the master's degree for teaching."
Kel turned on "I thought about it, you know?"
"So do it, what do you have to lose"
"I don't know Bran. I've been feeling like a failure lately"
Brandon had gotten serious and took her face in his hands "Kel you're not a failure and I really wish you saw yourself as I see you."
"Let's go Bran, look at you, you write for a big newspaper, you're independent, you've made your dreams come true"
"Oh Kel believe me it's less sparkling than you think"
"Seriously?"
"It was all euphoria at first. I was only dealing with city news and not even high stature. It's been very hard years that I thought I'd go back."
"Really?"
"Seriously," he said, staring her in the eye, "a million times I thought I'd go back"
Now Kel was also staring at him and they already knew what the next step would be. The lips approached and began to kiss passionately. They got closer, pressed frantically with each other. It was Kel who broke the kiss.
"We can't," she said.
Brandon didn't say a word. He took those minutes for him.
"You're right," he said, "sorry. We can't"
He let go of Kel's face and was on the couch in a more composed way.
"Sorry"
"Don't worry" she replied "I would like to, you have to believe me but if there is one thing I've learned and that when I'm desperate I'm too vulnerable and I wouldn't want us to regret it tomorrow morning"
"I never regretted having you," Brandon replied
Kelly didn't go any further and tried to turn the subject around.
"Are you studying Italian?"
"Yes," Brandon replied, "they send me as a correspondent to Rome in a week. That's why you see everything packed. I took another apartment that I will keep as a base to return, closer to the center and more comfortable, arranged there, I will go to Italy," Brandon revealed.
"Oh," Kel sighed sadly "Rome, wow. A great occasion. Then it didn't go so bad Mr. Walsh"
"No Ms. Taylor. It didn't go so bad. And it almost seems that fate has brought you here to say bye. If you had come here in a week you wouldn't have found me."
"Yeah" she sighed "sincerely at the moment there is no other place I would like to be. In our own way we have always loved each other like this. Protect like this."
They had done three in the morning as they chatted and remembered the past, they hastily told each other everything that had happened. One night talking. To empty the whole soul to make room for something else.
"Maybe we should go to sleep," she said, stroking his cheek.
"I wish it would snow all night and so you don't leave anymore"
"But you would leave anyway," Kelly replied and Brandon remained silent as he watched her slip into the bedroom.
The wind was still banging hard on the windows but he was finding peace and quiet. He felt that it had slowed down his movements.
Brandon was still awake, his blue eyes looked out at the purplish sky promising respite. The sofa offered him a perfect angle on those thoughts. He would have liked to go there, to her. Holding her tight but didn't want to take advantage of her despair. It wasn't what he wanted for him.
He felt her steps come back. Approaching light. He watched her as she lifted his blanket and lay on top of him, starting to kiss him hardly.
"Kel" whispered to her in surprise.
She didn't answer and continued to kiss him carrying Brandon's passion with her, dragging him to a place where Brandon struggled to return because it was painful. Kel did her thing about it. She took care of the details. . The questions remained stacked at the foot of that sofa. They felt it was a time for them, forever, that in the following days they would return to their lives, Brandon felt that Kel had made the decision. He didn't know how many time she would stay but he knew she would go back to Los Angeles and let him go his way for him to make his dreams come true. Again. Once again. Kel wanted him to move on. He didn't want to see her go back.
Kel gave up on him and took an example from him and as she rummaged under his T shirt he regained the ancient flavor of that person who for her represented her home. The place where she could be herself and safe. And it didn't matter how many mistakes they made. How much harm they were doing themselves or had done themselves, Kel knew that that would never change. He gave her new sap, a new boost. Maybe she would be enrolled in college, she would teach, she wouldn't be afraid anymore. She didn't want to feel the fear anymore.
They made love by moving to his bed. They laughed at the fact that they hadn't slept at all. They saw the dawn rise. There was still snow outside, the sky had become cloudy. Brandon called the office, said he would work from home because of the blocked roads. He went out to buy some hot croissants and milk. He stood watching Kelly asleep in his bed. She didn't seem to have slept in years. He woke her up with breakfast. They went out in the frost of those days. The cold smoke coming out of their mouths could not find space. They held hands, they kissed, drank hot coffee. They walked for a long time and laughed in the middle of the high snow. They went to the supermarket and went shopping together. Like a couple. It was all a fiction they both knew that at the end of those days everything would return to their place but they told each other another story, another truth. Over the next days it was this, laughing, making love every night, several times, telling each other about them. Feeling the wind outside and the storm inside.
It was a huge mistake. Gigantic. Wonderful.
Brandon woke up at night for fear of not finding her there again. He stared at her naked body. And he knew it was going to happen. Kel helped him finish packing his things.
"You're leaving Kel, aren't you?"
"You're leaving too," she said, arranging books in a package.
"Come with me," he said suddenly.
Kel smiled "sometimes I wonder if I came to you to get healed or I came to heal you. I can't escape. I have to fix my things."
Brandon stared at her and didn't say anything.
"I will miss you Bran" she whispered "I always missed you"
He approached hugging him and so did he.
Kel realized that the time had come to go, because by now they had gone too far.
That morning there was sun inside them too. They fell asleep together exhausted, after the sex, after all
When Brandon woke up late in the afternoon the sun was high. A Sunday of snowy and shouting about children on the street but Kelly was gone. Brandon had figured it out even before he reached out to the part of the bed where he hoped to find her.
He looked into the kitchen and found her note attached to the refrigerator.
Probably when you read this note I will already be flying to Los Angeles. There is always an innate passion in you. A passion for life that makes me think that one day I will be able to have it too, I will be able to walk straight, upright and independent. That same passion saved me in such a desperate moment for me. It made me regain strength. To go home. To enroll in college. We paid a high price by not getting married and not standing together. Please don't make it wasted because I won't waste it either. I don't want to. It's not fair. It's worth a try. Never doubt my love for you. So big that I let you go now as then. Hoping to see you back one day.You saved me once again.
I hope one day to see you come back or maybe one day you will see me come back.
Be tolerant of yourself Brandon. You deserve all the happiness in the world.
I will always love you. In our way.
Kelly.
Brandon put the note aside. He didn't even know what exactly had happened in those days. He passed them back to mind as he could. She going up the stairs. The chatter and laughter. The love.
"Good luck Kel" he whispered looking out at the snow shining and following in the wake of a flying plane in a sky that had suddenly turned blue.
End of flashback
"I never told anyone I came to Washington," Kelly said.
"I told Steve that you came to get a coffee and left. As soon as I get back to L.A. certain things it is better to keep them for us. However, a few months later I learned that you were back with Dylan, that you were expecting a baby and that you were enrolled in college. That you had found your way, that you were fighting for something and I did what you asked me, I struggled for myself remembering every day what I had given up to be there. But that's not the point.."
"And what is it?" She asked.
"You've always wanted me to find my way. You gave up your dreams for me. Now your time has come," Brandon said, "now I want to do something for you. I made a decision and I would like you to listen to me well. It's just a summer, the time to get you to do the conferences and summer courses. Your put to the test. I realized that you don't want a babysitter and also the reasons why you don't want it. I would be out all day, you too and these children would have no other point of reference than a stranger one. It's all clear to me," Brandon said, kissing her on the lips.
"And then you see that there is no solution"
"No" Brandon corrected returning to play with her hair "one would be there"
'Which one?' She asked down
"I have decided to take my leave of absence from work for these summer months. It is a right to paternity.
"Are you serious?"
"I'm very serious," he smiled at her.
"Brandon" Kelly got up by sitting on the bed "I can't ask you this"
"Why not? Isn't that what makes a family? Kel.." he cleared his voice "for ten years I did nothing but travel the world, write, work I always seemed to be looking for something. And I realized that all I was looking for is here now next to me and it's the ones who sleeps in their room"
"It's a sacrifice Brandon," she said insecurely.
"Isn't that what you did by letting me go years ago? And I never thanked you for that.
However, they will not make the selections for the management post until September. By then you will no longer have to travel around California and we will have compatible schedules. In short, we will invent something. I am happy to spend time with Sammy and Grace. It's not a sacrifice for me. Call the CU tomorrow."
Kelly exploded into an irresistible smile. All those days feeling inside a golden cage. To perceive the darkness of a personal failure that made her feel guilty.
"Bran don't say that if you're not convinced because it's not as easy as it seems"
"I, Grace and Sammy are a team" he replied giving her more kisses on the lips "and" kiss "obviously" kiss "also" kiss "you" kiss "do" kiss "part" kiss "of" kiss "team" kiss.
"Agree," she said happily, "agree," she repeated to herself.
"Well," he replied with a smile.
Grace was heard crying.
"I'm going," Brandon said, getting up and putting on his boxers and a T-shirt.
The baby talking was on and Kelly could hear Brandon talking to his daughter
"What happened little girl? Now come here.. with your dad and guess what? I'm going to sing for you...
Kelly laughed when she heard Brandon sing a song invented on the spot for his daughter.
The silence was the master in the house excluding the baby-talking that swarmed what seemed to Kelly the most beautiful song in the world.
When he returned to the room Brandon realized that Kelly had probably heard everything.
"You heard right?"
She nodded amused.
"Really very nice," she said.
"Ah yes?"
"You never sang for me"
"But I'm dancing with you," Brandon smiled, reaching out of her hand and pulling her up from the bed.
Kelly laughed it was true with her Brandon danced.