My Sunshine: Sunrise

Remnants Of The Island - Iruka

"Hey, would you mind if I talked to you?"

Sai was at the men's spring by himself. Haru was still sleeping off the night before in the room, and Iruka had decided to leave a note for his wife and wander down to the men's spring, hoping that either Sai or Shino would be there.

Sai was actually a lot different than he used to be when he arrived as well. He was warm and open, even though he was a little rough around the edges. He actually looked a little surprised.

"Of course."

Sai watched him with a surprisingly genuine look on his face.   At least he didn't feel like he had to put a facade up for Iruka. He sighed, trying to collect his thoughts.

"Yesterday was... tough. It was tough, hearing about your family and Shino's journey to starting a family.  And it doesn't matter how I feel, but I just wanted to say it out loud to another person who wasn't my wife."

"Why is that?"

Sai also didn't sugar coat anything.  Iruka shrugged.

"Honestly, I think it shines a light into a void in our relationship, and it hurts. And I'm not even sure if calling it a void is the right thing.  We have a great life, but when it comes to these family things... it shows how much Haru has been hurt."

Sai blinked at him.

"Keep going."

He was listening. Sai, of all people, might have more insight into this than anyone else.

"It kept me up last night. What kind of person would Haru have been if she hadn't been abused? I mean, she's wonderful, she's the love of my life. But what kind of person would she be?"

Sai nodded, responding.

"I know I only spent a couple of months with her, but she seems well-adjusted."

"She's very well-adjusted, considering how she was when she arrived. But there are certain things that she can't get over. Almost like remnants of the island; her trauma wins sometimes.

"For example, when Himawari was born, her first reaction was 'Naruto's probably furious that Hinata gave him a daughter.' It sounds like an insane reaction here, but that's how things were on the Island. Baby girls were killed for many years after her mom died.  They were considered undesirable.  We got into it verbally that night about how that's not an appropriate reaction, and that was my fault. I should've let it go. But some days just get frustrating. It's been six years in Konoha and sometimes that old thinking prevails. But I should've let it go..."

That night was terrible, made worse by the shock of it because they had very few arguments in general. He had yelled at her that night and made her cry. And after that, all of the hugs and kisses in the world couldn't make up for it in his eyes. She was fine after a few minutes: she had been through so much worse. A verbal altercation was nothing. But, to Iruka, it was everything.

That was five months ago, and he was still carrying the burden of his words to her. About how she had been in Konoha for six years and she still had such detrimental viewpoints. He didn't mean it-

"I'm sure those inappropriate reactions are hard to let go of. But you also need to forgive yourself. You're growing together. She spoke very highly of you on our trip. You were, and still are, her safe place. I would imagine those reactions are habitual. Much like her checking her food out of habit to make sure it's safe to eat."

"That's something I haven't seen her do in a while. She did that on the trip?"

"She still does it when you're not around. That tells how much she trusts you."

It was good to know but broke his heart a little.

"She'll always have some trauma, and that breaks my heart. She's so sweet and kind, and she deserves the world."

"What kind of person do you think she'd be without the trauma?"

This was the question Iruka was afraid of. He closed his eyes, letting his mind run wild for a moment.

"Without the trauma, I imagine that Haru would be a brilliant mathematician. She'd be well educated and well-travelled. She'd have a husband her age, if she had a husband at all. She'd be free and unafraid."

Sai frowned.

"Have you ever thought that Haru might just be... Haru? What's wrong with this life? What's wrong with being a schoolteacher with a husband and having a quiet village life?  That's more than a lot of people have."

He buried his face in his hands.

"But she's brilliant. She could be so much more..."

He heard Sai sigh loudly.

"It's unfortunate that you're delusional when it comes to Haru. While I can understand your guilt and sadness, I don't understand why you have such high standards for her. If she wanted to be well-traveled and a mathematician, she would've left. She wouldn't still be here six years later. She would gain nothing from that. I also don't understand why you think she could do so much better than you. It sounds like the issue lies with you, not her abuse at this point."

The words were sharp, and they hurt. But nothing that Sai said wasn't true.  He continued.

"As I said, I don't know Haru like you do, but she's happy. And she's happy with you as her anchor. She has a better life than she ever could've dreamed. Why can't that be okay?"

"I don't know..."

Sai was quiet for a moment.

"I can empathize with Haru. I didn't get to go to school, I didn't have friends. I didn't get a life. But when Ino found me, my fortunes changed. And that's one thing I'm grateful for: she's never brought up who I could've been. She just loved me where I was. Do you think the Baby thing is stinging more because that's something she could've had if she didn't have the trauma?"

Iruka felt devastated.

"I don't know anymore, Sai..."

"Or is that something you would have if she didn't have the trauma?"

He was choking back tears.

"I don't know."

"She did mention that she might have a baby in the future. She mentioned that to Ryujin when we saw him at Hozuki Castle. She went to face her abuser. She's healing. Now you need to meet her where she is. You can't think in 'what ifs.' She loves you, and you should just be grateful for that. And if you want something, you should tell her.  But she's still here because she wants to be here; make no mistake about that."

"I could never ask her to do that for me. Ever."

"Then you'll never get what you want."

He's almost 40. Did he want a baby? Was he afraid to ask her for things because he was afraid she couldn't handle it? Was he afraid of hurting her? Putting a baby inside of someone felt like one of the most intimate, personal things a someone could do. And in a way, he was afraid that it was invasive to her. Her body was finally her own, and even if a baby was something he wanted, he would never tell her.

She was finally free.

And maybe his fear of taking away her autonomy was his trauma.