Stony

Its been a while

Hey I know it's been a while but I'm still alive. More than 5 years ago I lost my uncle. The person I was closest to in this world. Then almost a year ago I had to watch my grandma slowly die and I couldn't do anything about it. Life's just been hard.

One of my friends asked me which marvel hero I relates most with and I said iron man. She asked me why and was surprised by my answer. She thought I chose iron man because of his cocky attitude, but that wasn't my answer. I slowly looked at her and responded "i relate with iron man because i had to slowly watch the things i love get stripped away from me and there was nothing i could do. I also do so much for evrybody, i put others before myself and get nothing in return." She looked at me and finally truly understood my pain as I sat there crying because of issues. I watched as my girlfriend of 2 years threw out relationship away like it didn't even matter (she cheated on me multiple times. My sister told me she wasnt good for me, but she was the first person i actually loved). I watched as friends betrayed my trust for their own personal gain. I watched the people I love most get ripped away from me. I have survived through my dad treating me like I'm below shit. I have survived this long for what? To get used? It's hard to watch the world slowly change you into the person you fear and can't do anything to stop it. I should have died long ago but here I am still suffering. Don't leave comments saying it will get better i can't take that right now. I can't watch as my family pushes me away and treats me like nothing. I can't stand people who use me. I've been used enough. I just can't take anything. No im not going to do anything this is just a rant but still. I'm tired of trying to save others who won't stop to save me. I'm tired of life. I'm tired of everyone acting like they are saints and I'm the only sinner. I have tried with everything in me to make others happy. They have never considered the fact that I was hurting as well. I spent so much of my life trying to help others and got nothing in return, not even a thank you. My other response was that I don't deserve the world. She looked at me like I was crazy. She went on a rant saying things I've heard before like it'll be OK, you'll be fine it'll pass, but what if it doesn't? What if I decide tomorrow I'm not worth anything anymore and just take it all away? Who would miss me? I can say that answer easily. No one would care if I died tomorrow. Nobody and that's just my reality. My only purpose was to make others feel better when I was dying inside. I can't take it anymore. I have tried to help but I fail every time I try. I'm a fuck up. I can't do anything right. I'm hurting and scared and alone. I just want it to stop. I want someone to see me for me and not just what I can do for them. I'm tired.