That night everything went cold. I don't know how else to put it but cold. I had feelings, not necessarily romantic feelings (although yes those were there too), but feelings that were complicated, dramatic. Feelings that I wanted to get rid of so badly. Feelings I couldn't shake. I wish these feelings went away a long time ago. I wish he didn't see me as crazy for simply loving him. Maybe I was being dramatic, but then again, what was i supposed to do with these feelings? Maybe he won't tell anyone. But why did I care so much? I don't know what's going on in his life. Why do I burn every bridge I come across. I want to die. I'm tired of living like this. Do I really want to die? Look what happens when I don't smoke. Is this really all on Noah? Or is it something deeper? From Sidney, to Naomi, then to Noah, I was always burning bridges. I wanted to die. The last time I wanted to die over a boy I ended up in a hospital with nothing but an orange hospital outfit and humiliation. There's no difference in my life now that he's gone, but yet, I feel so empty now that he's actually gone. People underestimate teenage heartbreak, it's a whole new level of hurt. No, it's beyond hurt, it's pure and utter...silence. My world felt completely silent without Noah, even if he technically wasn't there before. Am I living the story of every other girl across America? Across the world? Has every girl gone through the same thing? I hope someone has felt this type of pain, because that means I'm not alone. But still, I feel so fucking alone. I don't understand, Noah and I didn't talk for 3 weeks before we completely cut contact, why now? Something must have changed. One day, I will be someone's everything and I won't give Noah a second thought. But that "one day" seemed so far, it seemed impossible actually. He had imprinted my life so harshly I couldn't even live. So many things were ruined for me now, and it was all his fault. But I wouldn't even allow myself to be angry at him, not because he didn't deserve it, Lord knows he does. But because I knew he didn't care if I was angry at him. I wish I could've just been casual friends with him the way he wanted, but all I have to hear are those words, "I don't fuck her a lot, just moderately." Let that ring in your head. Over and over and over. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't care if you're mad at him. He doesn't care if you're in his life or not. He doesn't care that you love him. Even if you talked to him, it would just spark your love for him when his love belongs to someone else. You don't own a single part of his heart. Get that through your head until you break yourself from the pain. And then move on. Damn, I wonder how all these other girls did it. I've heard of love sick, but never love death. I didn't know love could make you want to die and be swallowed up by the world. All because of a teenage boy, all because of a boy named Noah.
