I want to ask you to come into this room and sit with me so that I can tell you my story, but I'm so scared. I'm so scared because my story is so scary. I'm scared that you might hear something that sounds familiar and immediately go to a negative place, but it's not your negative place. It's my negative place.
I'm so scared that you're feelings will get hurt, but there's no reason for that because nothing's your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. It's me. I'm wrong. I have problems. I have issues. I have medical conditions. It's my issue and I deal with that every single day.
What I hear is torture every day in my mind. I hear the same things over and over and over again, and they're not the thoughts that you want to hear and I know people go through this. I know people go through this all the time and they deal with it. They manage it. They cope with it.
So why can't I?
I don't know what is wrong with me. Why can't I do better? Why can't I be better? What is wrong with me? Why can't I just find something to be happy about? What is wrong with me? Why can't I just try to smile a little bit more or just try to find something to smile about? Hell, come on!
Why don't I try to find a hobby? Why don't I find reasons to get out of the house more? Why don't I stop complaining about all the things that I'm missing out on and do them? What is wrong with me? People do this every single day. People just like me. They do this every single day. Why can't I? Can you just try for me? Can you at least do that? Can you at least try for me please. Can you please do that? I love you so much and I want you to succeed. I want you to be happy. That's all I want for you - to be happy -
Happy.
And that is all I want for myself. I want to be happy. I want to truly be happy. I want to feel it. I want to touch it. I want every ounce of it, and I'm trying so hard. I'm fighting so hard every single day of my life. I'm fighting for it. I swear I am. I am trying so damn hard. I'm exhausted. How can I be happy when I don't even know who I am anymore though?
I feel like I lost myself a long time ago. I don't know myself and it's the scariest thing in the world and the loneliness, loneliness and exhaustion. It seems so easy. But it's not. Why?
Because I am it's prey and have been my entire life.
I'm just so tired, and I'm sad, and I'm so confused because I don't understand all these feelings that I'm having. These dark, lonely feelings. They're so dark. I feel like I'm drowning in them. I feel like they're pulling me down, and I cannot pull myself back up, no matter how hard I try.
I'm trying so hard. Please believe me. I'm pulling and I'm pulling, but I'm just getting deeper and deeper, and it's getting darker and darker. The light is gone, it's been gone for so long now. I miss the light.
I miss the glow of the light. I miss the beauty of the light. Light brings happiness. Light brings love. I want my life back and I can't get it. Every day more and more I want to give up. I want to let go of this world. I just want to let go. I want to dive down. I want to feel nothing instead of all these other feelings.
It's torture every single day, but I fight. I fight for the ones that I love and I fight for me. I don't want to give up. Not yet.
Why?
Why not just give in to the beautiful silence?
It's the good days.
Somehow when the good days make it back around, those good days take away the bad days like they never even existed.
And even if it's only a few, or even one good day, it's worth hanging on for.
