At first, I wanted to become a tragedy writer and make everyone cry and feel the pain life gives, but you know? It made me so depressed. I am so into it that I lose myself in the process of creating stories. I indulged myself in the pain and suffering of the characters I created; in the end, I pretended to be them. Somehow those characters are me, with exaggerations to make it more tragic. I created stories and immersed myself in the feelings of each character within them, but little did I know it would become my current reality. Characters were actually who and what I wanted to be; they could never be me in real life but could be in the world of creativity and imagination. I felt every character all at once, and it caused me to lose my sanity and believe the lies from each of them. The characters I made overthrew me as the supposed human being outside of literary works.
The first unreleased novel I made was Lost Souls, a fantasy story that has an orphan male character longing for true love and a female character who is in the care of her godparents, who frequently abuse her. The male lead longed, so I too longed for something yet to be known or even something or someone that will never be known; meanwhile, the female lead was being abused by me being bullied by my older brothers, to whom I should have received care, love, and protection. I became filled with these longings. and physical and mental abuse as I immersed myself in the pages of my stories. In the end? I was turned on by the feeling of emptiness because I hoped that outside the chapters, outside the fantasies, there would be people who would fill those gaps within me. I then relied on others and sought their approval because I believed that, just like in this story, I would be saved by someone. My imagination brought creativity, yet I forced it to become a reality that will never be one. Now here I am, inside a void of nothingness where it seems that there is no way out.
The second unreleased novel, RED ROSE, is a love story of a world where the first girl I loved loved me too, and in there we became a lovely couple. It started with us becoming friends, then close friends, and then she and I loved one another. RED ROSE? My nickname and her second name joined to form a story with the symbol of red roses as the main catalyst for love with thorns. Love can truly bring you joy but can also bring demise to your life, which might be carried until the end of your time. The story revolves around Red pursuing Rose, then ending up together to the point where they are about to get married, yet the story ends when Rose dies as a catastrophe happened in all corners of the world and only Red survived. Then it was just a dream, all of it, and that was the ending. Red woke up, and the story he was writing was not yet done, but he already experienced and dreamt all that would be written. This story made me think that there was a chance of her loving me back too because we were close friends back then, yet it made me obsessed over her, leading to both of us being hurt.
The third novel that was unreleased was Bloodshed, a story of me inside, filled with rage over this life's chaotic mess. A story that led me to kill people with hatred and vengeance that, in reality, I cannot do. The current circumstances led me in there to lacerate and attempt to kill myself tons of times, which here in the real world I would never do because deep down I want to live! A facade to make people sympathize and have empathy towards me, but you know? I realized that the more I continue all of this, the less I will have, and the more people will leave and things will be gone. I continued to the point where my old friends who led me to the arts left one by one and I am right here doing all that we have planned together on my own. Thoughts like this and that? They were slowly being replaced, yet all over again, it seems I am taking everyone for granted, where right now I have been left on my own despite knowing it would be dangerous for my mental and physical health. Do people close to me? chose to ignore me and neglect me, just like I have done to those who have left me completely.
Do you know? the fact that I am alive right now? the fact that I can still write? do things I love? is more than enough to tell all of you! that I am fighting to live on. I am not going to give up just like those who have killed themselves, truth be told. People like me just want to live deep down, but I was pushed down the cliff where no one had tried to reach a hand. People are scared, but to be honest, when you ignore and neglect and sometimes reject, It brings so much more suffering that some cannot bear to live by it. So I truly urge that these should not be done to anyone you know, love, and care for because not all are like me who have a strong will to live, which is why I can endure. I get it, but some could never, so please, even just small gestures of kindness, show them so that they will always remember because all of us, especially those people who are like me, are truly forgetful. We humans can never be alone; we cannot truly do all on our own. That is why there are other people who bring us to our designed nature, which is to have a relationship with others. My strengths are someone else's weaknesses, and vice versa. That is why we must not be on our own because having someone else will allow us to fill each other's gaps. I know in the end it is still you, but again, we cannot do it all on our own. Yet here comes the thing: we must start with ourselves, walking the journey of becoming a better version of ourselves. Only then would people choose to stay until the end. If by then no one still remains, it is alright! because when did that time come? Being alone is not as dangerous as it used to be.
Also, just like the famous tragedy writer William Shakespeare made me use a negative pen name for myself, which is loner, symbolizing me being left on my own. no! a symbol of me doing masterpieces even though no one is here to help or guide me through them. I learned a lot because of my one true gift, which is the desire to learn, especially in terms of the arts: writing the purest, dancing the freedom, instruments the flow of life, singing the cries, photos, and videos captured the essence, yet not all can be done by me. I still have a long way to go with what I can do now, but drawing still must be learned, so I would not rely on the artists I know. Loner was used because of how broken and tragic my stories aimed to be once before. Do you know? I actually used two at the same time before as my pen name. hope the other one, which is currently being used, Loner and Hope represents two sides of me, rather the prior one is being reversed with learning and realization of the later one. Most of my work has a negative impact, so people are triggered and made then think that I am just filled with negativity...but!but! Do not be fooled because all of you have not yet read all of what I have written—thousands of poems, hundreds of stories, and counting.
It all started a few years ago, way back in 7th grade, with the mess I created that has been holding me back, and do you know what that is? That the following year I actually did it just so it would come to reality. Lacerated the thing that I lied about—a laceration that was still fresh and with stitches beneath the jacket I wore all the time or sometimes under the arm sleeves I wear now and then. Also, the lies that came from my dreams were that I believed they would truly happen in real life, but little did I know that they would cause so much harm to me and everyone around me.
obsessed with the fact that I promised myself that once I love her, she will be the first and last...but? She will never be the one for me. We are not destined, though dreams happen, and it's still her I choose among a lot of girls, even though I end up liking them because of how attractive they are. It was you who I chose as my friend. Why? because I want to fulfill my promise that I will only ever love someone once. Yet look at me now; there is this girl I truly look up to and currently like, but that is for another story.
Loner fell without a strong foundation; he fell, and now he is no more. Loner signed off because this time I will show an example that despite all the trials and struggles currently happening in my life, I will be able to thrive every single day, despite all the odds that are against me. Hailard—hope, adventure, illumination, love, abiding, rigorous, dreamer—the brothers and sisters who led me? Look at what I would become with the things you all left me to fall completely in love with. You will see me soar above the skies despite all of you letting go when I hold on to the edge of the cliff. As an artist, I shall be a jack of all trades and master of one, and this is that one! WRITING...
"END"
