i love you , i hate you

beginning of the mend (4)

after what was probably ten full minutes of crying into each other's arms, just repeating things like 'i'm sorry,' 'it's okay,' and 'everything is okay' to one another, they finally let go

"stan..."

stan didn't respond. he just looked at kyle with a slight smile

"i'm so sorry. i didn't think it would ever get that bad i mean..."

kyle lost his train of thought,

"tell you what, we can hang out again, like old times, no strings attached, but..."

"sounds like you're about to attach a string, man"

"right. no alcohol."

"you really think you're more importan-"

stan was shocked at his own sentence.

stan knows that's the kind of thing randy would say,

he's said it to his mom, he's said it to shelley, he's said it to him. that having that fix of alcohol means more than his family members. a shiver went down his spine.

"...i can try. no promises."

that was all kyle needed.

"trying is plenty, dude."

stan felt like he had a reason to try for the first time in forever. he knew he'd probably blow it at some point, but... at least he could try.

he wiped his tears, he felt kinda pathetic just thinking about all that was going on.

"um, thanks, uh, anyways... what the fuck is up with you? you have friends? you're so well-kempt too... seriously, dude, i couldn't stop staring at lunch"

kyle raised an eyebrow.

"ah- i mean... i was like, this is the kyle i used to know? the same kid i watched drink piss and pop a hemorrhoid trying to hop a fence?"

"whatever, dude. i didn't even want to drink that piss, for the record."

"tcch, still, you've got friends, too?"

"friends is a stretch. i get along with everyone, sure, we hang out after school sometimes, sure, but i never felt too close with them, i guess"

"makes sense. they all seem boring as fuck"

"better than someone who complains about everything being shit all the time"

this time, kyle's comment didn't feel so insulting and judgmental, stan grinned

"hey, fuck you"

"i'm just saying!"

they smiled each other. they made idle small talk for a while longer, before stan realized that randy was definitely going to assume he was out doing bad shit.

"fuck. i should definitely get home, i forgot about how randy acts when i'm not home on time... even ten minutes late and he flips. he's gonna be pissed."

"that sucks, dude, i never really liked that guy. see you at homeroom?"

"you say that like i have a choice to not go to school. trust me, i'd be taking that choice every day if i could"

"tcch, whatever. drive safe, dude!"

stan tried to walk in quietly, he'd forgotten how his life worked. if anything good happens, you better bet something horrible's gonna happen right after.

"where the fuck have you been?"

randy's accusatory words, dripping in irritancy, hit stan right as he entered the house

"uhh, a friend's house?"

"yeah right, as if anyone would be your fuckin' friend."

stan was already shaking hearing him continue on, it's never fun when randy is upset. especially when he's both drunk and mad, which seemed to be the case, judging by the bottle in his hand.

"what was it this time? drinking? smoking? did you get caught shoplifting again?"

"no, i was seriously at a friend's house!"

"then what's this 'friend's' name?"

"okay, listen, you're not gonna believe this, but kyle goes to my school. kyle broflovski. he talked to me, he wanted to try and repair our friendship."

"yeah right," randy continued to accuse stan of misdeeds, "you haven't spoken to kyle in years, he hates you, after all"

...

"fuck off, randy"

stan marched to his room, his father yelled at him as he continued to just pay him no mind and make his way to his only safe space. he locked the door and tears began to stream down his face, the second time that day.

he didn't even bother with the "introduce yourself! :)" assignments all the teachers had assigned, he just plopped into bed and conked out, tears still making their way down his face.