i love you , i hate you

freakin' freak (5)

...

stan's ears are, yet again, pierced by the incessant ringing of his alarm clock.

stan's eyes and face were covered in dried up snot and tears. he could barely see before wiping his eyes. jesus, he was used to waking up with a killer headache, but god, crying? he hadn't done that in a long time.

he wasted no time. he quickly ran to the bathroom to rinse his face off with water, ignored the bottle of vodka as he grabbed his underwear and socks, and put on a black-and-white striped shirt and baggy, black pants. 

well, kyle wouldn't judge him too hard, right?

he put on eyeliner and a studded belt like the day before, though the shirt had long sleeves, so he saw no point in bracelets. he decided, instead, on a black choker and a necklace with an upside-down cross. he looked in the mirror again.

"god damn. i look like a faggot," he spoke quietly to himself

it wasn't so bad though. he liked the way he dressed, and it doesn't really matter if he looked like a faggot. he is one, after all.

though he hadn't fully come to terms with it, over time, stan realized he was probably bisexual. he was hard on himself for it, but it's not like he can change it.

oh well. since he hadn't spent so much time thinking about his shitty past, he was able to have a better breakfast than yesterday. he ignored randy's attempt to confront him, and put pop tarts in the toaster, as well as grabbing a banana. balance is key, after all.

he plopped down on the couch, attempting to watch tv as he ate. none of it interested him. shitty news, shitty cartoons, shitty sitcoms, shitty dramas, shitty reality shows, shit tv. he ate quickly so he could just leave. 

growing up, stan could never imagine leaving early for school. especially if it  meant he could watch cartoons. sure, things change, but shit, he wishes he were still a happy child.

he was early. slightly. he didn't like that fact, but...

when he got to the school, he saw kyle standing outside, talking to some people. 

"well, damn, guess i'll just wait for homeroom to talk to him," is what stan thought, until he got out of his car and kyle beckoned him over.

why the fuck would he do that.

his teeth clashed together and he sharply inhaled as he walked up to kyle,

"yo, kyle"

kyle's friends shuffled awkardly away, all making excuses like, 'gotta get to class!'

"jesus, am i that much of a freak?"

"i mean," kyle looks stan up and down

"maybe stripes aren't in season?"

stan scoffed.

"nah, you look fine, dude, eyeliner's a bit shaky though."

stan hid his face from view, looking down.

"that's embarrassing... y'know, it's hard to do good makeup after a night of crying"

"it's not that big of a deal, it's just eyeliner. and i'm glad you were able to express your emotions yesterday. and, if it matters, i have pretty steady hands, so maybe i could do your eyeliner for you next time."

"oh-! um, well, uh, that... y'know, if you think you... could make it look cool"

"yeah, yeah, i'd love to!"

stan hadn't really paid much mind to kyle's wardrobe, as his eyes made their way to the ground, he caught a glance of what kyle was wearing. jesus.

a white button-up shirt, which was clearly recently ironed, tucked into nice, black dress pants. he also had a sweater over top his way-too-fancy-for-school shirt, which was a dark shade of green. he looked like a fucking nerd.

but he couldn't help but admit that kyle cleaned up nicely. overdressed, sure, but damn. he was... pretty.

stan rubbed his thumb on his wrist nervously as they began to make their way to homeroom, looking down at the floor, shuffling slightly behind kyle.

"what's up, dude, why are you walking so slow?"

"it was... nice talking to you again yesterday, but when something good happens.. it seems like something bad has to happen. randy got absolutely pissed at me last night. i told him to fuck off, too. i could tell he was still mad this morning but neither of us said a word."

"oh."

kyle awkwardly ran his hand down the back of his neck.

"well, good on you for standing up for yourself... i hope everything works out.. sorry, i didn't realize me inviting you over would piss him off."

"it's whatever, not your fault, you should just come over to my place today instead."

"i have pla-"

kyle stopped for a moment, thinking

"that's chill, next time you wanna hang out, then?"

"no, today's fine, actually, i can just... reschedule with everyone else"

"the fuck? am i some kinda priority 'cause i'm fucked in the head?"

"no, you're a priority 'cause you're my friend who i haven't seen in years and these are people i could see any time. i'd rather one chance to hang out with you than ten with all these people i've been spending my time with."

"jesus, that's a strong statement, you can't really mean that."

"i do," kyle grinned and entered the homeroom, "besides, i owe it to you after your shitty encounter with randy."

 stan instinctively went to the back, but kyle stared daggers into him. stan caved and sat up front, next to kyle, where everyone would be paying attention to him.