Confession's of a mentally ill highschooler. [Poetry Book}

Who am I?

A collection of poetry about me and everything going on inside my head.

I'm not me
They are not friends with me
They are friends with the person I'm pretending to be
I pretend to be strong
I pretend to be confident
I pretend to be likeable
I pretend to be everything
I understand I'm not
Yet I put up facades without even thinking
It makes me feel like I'm sinking
Sinking deeper into a hole
A grave I dug myself

Overflowing
I'm so full of love
Yet I'm so bad at loving
I'm so full of words
Yet I'm so bad at communicating
I'm so full of emotion
Yet I'm so bad at feeling

Cold loneliness
I correlate my loneliness with the cold
It's like mold
Invading my tired bones and settling there
Refusing to leave or even care

Retribution and Revenge
I don't care if I hurt you
I just desire retribution
Perhaps if is revenge but I'm not quite sure anymore
My feelings tend to blend and meld together

Drifting
I am an angry person
I hold my anger like its a life saver
The inky ocean my admit to forgiveness
If I let go
I must also admit my weakness
But maybe my anger is the ocean
It's dragging me farther and farther out from shore
As it does
I get meaner
More rage striken
Malice fills my tired achey bones
Perhaps I am doing it to myself
Paddling deeper into anger
Trying to satisfy my craving for retribution
Perhaps it is revenge I crave for
The life saver is the things in my life I will claw onto just to keep
My precious moments
My lovely friends

I Love You.
I love you.
I love you too.
I think I love you a lot more though.
I doubt that.
I desired to scream out my reason on why I loved her more
The words would refuse to form fast enough.
"I love you with something more genuine and child like, I love you with utter admiration and exhaustion."
It was far to late by then.
The conversation was over and the curtains were coming to a close.

Repulsive.
The act of eating disgusts me.
Perhaps it is something about the food itself.
It looks strange, wrong somehow
It tastes revolting, nauseating. even.
It doesn't quite taste as good as it sounded.
The food should not go to waste
I can't eat it.
A nauseating feeling washes over me just thinking about it.

Repulsive. II
I take a bite, even if it disgusts me.
I must continue.
I can't let it go to waste.
It feels wrong in my mouth.
My hands feel shaky.
My heart is beating faster.
The food doesn't taste right, it has a strange flavor
It tastes of rot, or perhaps soap?
The food refuses to go down my throat, I persist.
I am followed by a sicker feeling in my stomach, the revolting feeling amplifies.
I feel full, after only a bite.
I am disgusted with myself.

Sick and Sad
I wish I was the muse
Not the artist that stays up late
Writing about how deeply they loved me
Writing about all the things I've said to them
Writing about every change in my mood
I want to be the muse
I want the artist to be sick with love and longing for me
I know it's selfish
I understand I'm the one that will stay up late
Writing about a love that makes me sick and sad

Slowly
Slowly
I become everything I've always hated
I'd love to be the opposite but I know it's not what I want
My hands and face slowly become blood stained
My stomach bubbles with guilt
I hate what I've become
So, I slowly destroy myself with my own self hatred
It feels like tearing myself apart
Slowly peeling my skin off

Scared little kid
So little and scared
Trembling hands
Quivering lips
Cloudy eyes
I was a scared little kid, why couldn't you see me as one?

I want to leave
I hate everyone
I hate my mom
I hate my dad
I hate every person who says they know me
I hate everyone who actually knows me
I want to go somewhere where no one knows who I was before
I just want to leave
I never want to go back
I want to erase my existence

Short unnamed and unfinished poetry

Number 1

I want to break things
Perhaps being drunk on anger causes that feeling
But it doesn't quite feel like anger
It feels crippling
A dehabilitatingly guilty feeling
It's an overwhelming feeling
All I can do is cry
I don't think anyone quite knows how I feel

Number 2

There's something fucked up going on inside my head
And I don't know how to fix it