the days after you died

the first day

"We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of Rose Penelope White. We celebrate the time her soul spent here on earth and pray that she is in a better place. Furthermore..."

The pastor trails on with more ramble. Ramble about someone who he probably doesn't care that much for. But someone who was my everything.

I feel so empty. The filled casket sits in front of me and I say my last goodbye before they lower her into her grave. The heavy thud that it makes as it hits the dirt floor makes the inward most parts of my soul shudder. A chill covers my body. I fall to my knees and began to weep. Cry. Sob. 

The chapter of my life that had been fully spent with you and only you had been closed. My heart felt like there was nothing more to live for. How does someone live when their heart has been split in two.

Ms. Helen White, who I just call mom, touches my hand and tries to reach my gaze. I can't look at her. I can't admit defeat. Eventually I am forced to cave and I look up from kneeled position and make eye contact with her. My eyes fill with even more tears now as I see her face swollen from her own tears.

I stand up and embrace her. I hold on. Hold on to her for dear life. Both of us lost something so precious to us the day before. Something so insanely desirable that we didn't know what life could be without it. My soul, my being, my everything, laid in the ground with Rose's lifeless body.

I will never fall in love again.

When I finally part my hug with Helen she says through choked breath that it is time to leave. 

"Okay." I say, trying not to cry as I let the word slip off my tongue.

We walk to the car and I sit down in the passenger seat. I stare out the window and watch all the people dressed in black walk away with heads held low. They all make their ways back to their "oh so normal lives" while I am the one who must deal with the utter sadness of death.

The drive home was a blur. I spent it mostly looking out the window and trying not to fall apart. The silence used to be something that I felt so much comfort in. Now it was only something that brought me more anguish. Silence was so loud these days. Screams of morrow flow through my veins. I am nothing but my sadness.

I walked into the home. The home that just some months prior I had moved into to spend my life with Rose. Now it felt like a desolate wasteland full of nothing but darkness. I gave Helen a kiss on the cheek and went to my room to lay down. All I could do was sleep now and hope that the night would bring some rest to my dreary life.