The Sky Looks Beautiful.

Guilty.

July 23, Sunday
17:48

I sit down on my living room couch. I just sit there and do nothing else. I was calling Faith and Jaja but we aren't talking. We're just on call minding our own business. I then decide to turn on my television and go onto spotify. I put on my 'broken hearted</3' playlist and start thinking about all of the things happening lately.

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

I guess you could say I'm over Jaja. A new guy came into my life, Dylan. I've managed to stumble into a situationship with him. Well we were in a situationship. I told him how the situationship was already stressing me out but in all honesty, I think I was overwhelmed about the thought of getting into a relationship too early.

I regret it. I have a guilty feeling. I feel guilty that I actually still like him but I agreed to move on and just be friends. I don't want to just be friends. I really like Dylan but I guess I was just scared of the thought of actually pursuing a relationship with him. I guess I was just confused at the time.

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

I sigh and feel sorrow rushing over me. I hate how I always get scared and give up on people and stuff too easily.
"I wish I actually gave him a chance." I thought to myself. A frown forms on my lips. I mute myself on call and switch to Youtube on my tv. I stood up I decided to start singing my heart to some Bruno Mars and Olivia Rodrigo.
I was mad. Not at anyone, not at anything but mad at myself. But that anger slowly turned into sorrow. The artist changed from Bruno Mars to Laufey. My powerful and angered voice slowly turned to broken and hurt.

I sat down back on my grey but comfy couch and I stopped singing. My heart was heavy. I was supposed to be okay after this, I told him my feelings and we're supposed to be just friends. Heck I went through so much trouble just to tell him all of that, so why..? Why do I feel so guilty? Why did I just back out just like that?
Why do I just give up so easily on people because I'm scared..?

I wanted to punch myself. I don't understand why I'm always like this.

Tears start forming in my eyes. I turn off my tv and look at my phone to see if the call ended, it did surprisingly enough but that's good, I need time to myself. I grab my phone and walk out of the living room making my way to my bedroom. My tears have made it's way to my chin. Some of the tears have made it's way to my mouth and I could taste the saltiness of it. I enter my room and close the door behind me. I sit on my bed and before I knew it more tears started escaping my eyes.
I bring my hand up to my face and start wiping my tears away wishing it was him. That only made me cry harder.

I lost a chance with such an amazing guy. The feeling of regret was overwhelming me and I couldn't keep my tears in for any longer. My breathing quickened and before I knew it I was experiencing a panic attack. The tears were non stop and my breath was making it hard to calm down. I tried to use a technique my wellbeing teacher taught me which surprisingly worked well. She told me to draw square in the air and each line had to be a breath in and a breath out for five. It took a good few minutes before I was able to calm myself down.
I used the sleeves on my arms to wipe away the tears and laid down on my quite uncomfortable bed.

Yes I've managed to calm myself down but still a million thoughts were going through my head and Dylan was 999,999 of them. My head started to hurt. Why do I even like this guy? I missed talking to him and him giving me compliments each time we spoke, it was nice. I also missed telling him about my day and him telling me about his. I miss him sending me a recording of him playing the guitar while singing as soon as he finished playing.
I guess I really just missed him.

I stared at my ceiling but this time my head was finally quiet. For once I was at peace in my own mind. No I wasn't feeling better but I went numb. "Ren, you screwed up big time" I said to me myself. I really did. I smiled with a tear sliding out of my left eye. I know it was my fault, I was the one who told him about how I was feeling yet I still feel guilty. If I told Faith that I felt guilty she would definitely say "Ren why would you even feel sorry, he's the one who should be saying sorry to you".

I sigh. Do I really want to live my life full of regret? Or do I want to actually chase something, be dedicated and never give up. No wonder people think I'm confusing, I see why. I wish I could understand myself too but it's hard to understand yourself when you barely know who you are anymore. I can't recognize myself anymore. I sigh once again. I'm bored and done with my own life.
I'm done with feeling guilty about the things.

I'm done.