Lost Thoughts

Look Beyond Her Sullen Aloofness

Look Beyond Her Sullen Aloofness

By Rose Berlyn Adlawan

            Money, beauty, and fame ­— how significant are these things, really?

            Blest not with a happy life. Deprived from having a wondrous beauty. Dull-witted as she calls herself, and having a disappointing figure she believes thwarting her from meeting the love of her life. That's how she describes herself. Or should I say, deride her own physical attributes even to the point of sneering upon it to herself.

            With those lips having chaps, eyes big and invariable with shades of black below, rough face having dark spots, disorganized teeth she have, a minute height, hair kinky and always unkempt — all in all, she's more of an imperfect lady and even below of being a girl next door. Angel lacks appraisal of her totality as a person. Even at her own home, she isolates herself and keeps herself jailed within the four corners of her room. With no friends to talk to, but the imaginary pal she has — the heroes and heroines of the fictions she read.

            Seeing her own family and kinsmen but with the look of despise. With their treatment to her as an outcast in the line. She could have been raised in an affluent lineage, have her own make-up artist, buy all the things she wish. But none of that is comparable to the love she has had from a stepdad who is kind enough. Precious jewels, expensive clothes, shiny cars, sumptuous mansion which is huge enough to be called a palace in a kingdom, and of course, comfortable life — who cares about having all that in a family full of lies?

            She's been eighteen years existing in this world, and that memory from thirteen years ago is still up-to-date in her mind where she could view how a monster – her father – stabbed her mom, almost ending her life that night. On the street, her mother was thrown. Her father, glared at her in an evil eye. The flash of it made a shiver run down her spine. She was stupefied as he left her in the room with one last beastly glance. In fright she slept that night, at the same moment her mom was found by a kind-hearted man. Helped her recover, realizing the woman he's helping is the woman on the news people generally say was found dead by her husband inside their room in the mansion. She's the wife of the talk-of-the-town man who by telltales say is a conceited person who obtained riches from stealing gold.

            For a year, she had thought that in her dreams, she's with her mom. Her relatives made her believe that the woman who gave birth to an unfortunate daughter like her is long dead, but she doubted them. She believes that her mother visits her at night and never talked about it to anybody inside the mansion just as her mom instructed her to do. And when she turned six, they skulked away from the house. Away from a nightmare for a year she longed to escape. Away from a life that she never wanted from the very beginning. Away from the loathe she held of her own lineage. Away from all of it.

            Years had passed. She used to have forgotten all the sorrows of it, living with a benevolent man and a lovable woman who by all years gone spared her not a single cruelty but affection and care which normally people in a family share. Even without too much in their baskets, even if they only had to share in a meal, never did she felt the discontent. She would rather live along with it than that life of living in a palace ruled by such obnoxious king, a fierce mistress her father brought home after they completely disappeared that night. Nothing about it is comparable to having a simple family.

            All she knew to herself was that she was happy. Not until the biological father she has abhorred for over the rise and fall of sun, sent his men upon a quest to where they were commanded to search for the woman and daughter he has long then exiled in the line, who lately has been rumored and claimed living a happier life even away of his company and stolen riches. Unfailingly though, they were found. But she was the only one forced back in the family. Just as then, she's squirmed and roared her room with cries of longing, and abhorrence at the same time. She jailed herself in the room as her father impose her to embrace back her life and prepare to use her into a more unforgivable act. He wanted to forcibly let her to be sold to a merchant, powerful and influential in order to obtain what he pines - political influence. More money. Fame. Power. Everything. That he would sell her child's soul for an evidently selfish purpose. For his own benefit. She's desperate to run away but she couldn't. Every single move she takes is being watched. Her relatives eyeing her suspiciously at every action she does.

            The sensation of the exquisite dress she wears daily itched her. The pungency of the expensive perfume that lingers in her dress is like a poison under her nose. The necklace she changes every day feels as if worn for her to be choked by it to death. The dazzling pair of earrings heavily hanging on her ears she thinks would tear it apart. Expensive edibles she would rather choose to throw up as its bitterness crawl from her throat to her stomach. Nothing about the life she has right now can be said comfortable. Nothing of it.

            With hot droplets streaming down her cheeks, she sobs pityingly to herself, thwarting her from the normal breathing. She grabs a pillow, begins squeezing as she buries her face in it releasing a sound from anger and total frustration. Nothing is more excruciating than this tough feeling. By any minute, she would drown by the sinking feelings. Life is easier for her outside this hateful mansion. She's happier away from these detestable people. They made her life miserable. Her father's callousness is the reason behind her slow transformation. Her heart becoming hard as stone. What it is that she did to be in such situation?

            She wiped her tears away. She doesn't need the money. All she wishes for is a normal life with a happy family. She cared less about the fame, body and beauty. She's sullenly aloof, because no one gives her that attention. All she ever wanted is to feel loved. Even in her family, why is that so hard to find?