Love And Desire

Chapter 1

Nothing gives you more happiness other than the feeling of freedom.

High school done and dusted. College, here I come!

I can’t stop daydreaming about how my time in Stockholm would look like. Damn, for me, I feel like, it’s an Island I needed to visit. For…..for four years, at least.

I’ll be studying nursing. I’ve always wanted to put on that white garment or the top and trouser – okay, maybe it’ll end up becoming a coat if I switch courses to microbiology.

Awww.

Maybe my time spent in highschool was really boring – because, I never kept friends but I usually do hang out with a few classmates – ONLY for study time at the library. And it was lit.

All thanks to dad who used to pay up all my school bills and expenses. Mom never knew about that neither is she aware that he usually came around from time to time to say HI.

That’s because, Dad told me not to tell mom about his visit. She’d had changed me from St Holy Trinity to somewhere else.

Now that am back to New Zeeland to study and get prepared for my upcoming screening entrance examination into Stockholm – of which, I had purchased the form online in my laptop without mom or dad knowing, mom has never been the same.

This was not the mother I used to know. She was totally different. Very different from how I left her before St Holy Trinity.

She now drinks, smoke weeds, hang out unnecessarily – and the worst part of it is that she’s diagnosed with asthma.

My mother I used to know, would never go close to living a rough life, talk much of taking alcohols and dining with weird people – especially, men.

She can’t just do without sex anymore.

The other day when I newly arrived after graduation, I overheard her screaming GOD, WHERE ARE YOU? I NEED YOU NOW! From her room upstairs.

And coming down the stairs minutes after, was an old man old enough to be my great-grandfather.

I didn’t say grandfather. I said great-grandfather.

Mom was not carried away or taken aback when I went to see her in her room after the man had shamelessly left.

She just waved HI with a bright smile like nothing had happened, then, she lit up a cigarette, got out of bed nakedly and poured for herself a shot of whiskey.

I was like…….IS THIS MY MOMMY?

When did she became like this with such sort of dark tactics?

It was days after, I began to learn that……she was knocked down by frustration.

Well, did something happened behind my back? I remember I used to ask dad if he’d like to make some reconciliation between him and mom. He always refused.

He said to not go back to his past but set ahead for his future.

I like dad’s word’s of wisdom most times. He has always been the one I use to hate because of how he abandoned I and mom, but now, it feels like the other way round.

Mom hasn’t cared too much for me since I grad from highschool. She only talks about the latest party she’ll be attending, she watches fashion reality shows – of which I know she never does fashion before. And then, she’ll pick up a dress for tonight and ask me if it was good enough for a date.

It's just too much. Everything that has changed her and how she accepted the things that switched her lifestyle, is just too much.

It wasn’t long ago before I discovered from Dad that mom’s problem was as a result of a little lover boy she squandered all her money on. (Her housemate) Who’d left her and died after she was being caught in the act of sex with him by her sugar boyfriend.

It’s like a circle of pain. A ring of fire, burning her whenever she’s alone. I believe so, because I use to find her smoking with rage and talking to herself all alone at the backyard, balcony, living room or sometimes in her bedroom.

She is so addicted to her past. And the only way she believe to quench her pain and sorrows, is just to smoke and drink.

It’s like, am not even known or recognized in this house anymore. Frustration is a very bad thing on human.

The other worse is that, mom sold the big house we use to live before – as a child growing up in New Zeeland. Now, we’re residing in a very small house – kinda duplex and cottage thing.

No cooks, no butler, no baker, no chef, no cleaner or maids, no securities, no guards, everybody secure yourself and save your ass if you want. Or probably in danger.

If not for the little I’ve been saving since I got to high school, mom wouldn’t have been able to pay majority of her lenders who usually comes here before, every morning to beat her on the street.

I don’t know what she used all her asset and worth in Swiss bank for. Even the ones she borrowed. I have no idea how that came about.

Now, am left with just a little penny in my piggy bank.

Sometimes, she’ll come asking me for a buck to buy cigarettes and if I don’t give her, she’ll cry and avoid talking to me for weeks.

I just had to. It’s not like I’m helping her ministry – but most times, I try to stop her and preach good attitudes to her and she’ll just walk out the door, claiming to get fresh air but the truth, she was going away to unknown places for days.

But little does she know that I can never ever allow her come into my personal life again. I don’t think, if I buy a house in the future, I’ll allow her to live in it.

Not even for one day. Not until, she quits all her crazy behaviors first.

I use to like her like a best friend but now…..I think she’s just nobody special in my life. I can’t even remember the last time I shared my little secret with her.

She’s just probably a big mouth to all her dates.

That Saturday morning, I was done with the laundry – both her clothes too. Am ashamed for her always wearing dirty clothes repeatedly.

She was just outside our house, sitting on one of the cemented flowerpots and smoking weed. Waving her hand to any jerk of a boy that passes the street.

I wonder if she took a bath last night. I can’t even remember the last time I heard her running shower in the bathroom.

She stinks and obviously smell of garlic and onion.

I just left the window when I heard my phone ringing in my room. As I saw the caller ID, I picked up and we talked for few.

It was Dad. He said to meet with him in a nearby caffeine – coffeeshop down the street that he has something important to tell me. Mom entered the house after finishing four wraps of cigarettes.

Her eyes are sharp and vivid. I didn’t waste much time staring at her. I just went to the kitchen, make a very quick breakfast for her. I use to set aside a bowl of cereal for her all the time.

Actually, she likes it like a dessert. She said to help her ejaculate faster during her makeout session.

As I hand her the bowl first, her eyes lit up and she quickly helped herself to the couch without thanking me.

I roll my eyes and booted out of the house to see Dad.