A Persona growing (Bangchan Skz)

1. A new beginning, sort of!

Cover: Jungkook from BTS

It took me hours to wash the clothes and the dishes and clean every bit of the room, until i found out in fact i, myself, am the souce of the bad smell that was annoying me recently. I tried to remember the last time i showered but had no success in it. I loose count of days and nights when i don't go out and gosh! How much i love it when i don't have to socialize and act like a decent human being.
From the amount of "i"s that i used in my previous paragraphe, you can make some guesses. "Is she a narcissist living in her little world?" Honestly, i don't know. I might be a narcissist. I hope nlt though. To find the answer, one must go out, touch some grass, meet people and get some icky faced reactions from them; they probably help any one to come down to their senses!
But as i said, i look for any opportunity to avoid going out. Don't mistake me for a shy person however! I am a social butterfly and get the "you're so fun and kind" complement a lot; at least others view me like this. But when i'm back at dorm or home or whatever place that's minr, everything changes. It feels as if evey place that belongs to me, developes this transparent defensive aura that writes:"No happy-go-lucky personas allowed". My persona stays at the door everynight; sometimes for weeks, before i open the door and step out and my persona can come running entagle itself around me again.
To be honest, it's a lonely life but i love it... and hate it. It's like a little addiction. I feels good to let persona out, get in the home all naked from everything that makes me feel good but fake and get some space with myself. The problem starts when the invisivle hands of the aura hold me in and a thousand sirens sing me a song to sleep and never leave.
Each time something changes, i hope for a new beginning and decide to fight for my life and for a healthier life. But no. The aura follows me, and so does the persistance persona.
It's been a while since my newest new beginning. Thanks to my persona, i aced the entrance interview and got qualified to study for masters in history with a minor in gender conflicts. With every new new beginning, i go farther and farther from my hometown and each time i tell myself "you got it this time. Forget the past and build the life you wanted and deserve." Things didn't change this time to. Moved to a whole different country and still the same. Not the same tho. More depressed and stripped of all the things that thought i had: character, friends, intelligence, hardwork, grit, and gut. Every day passes and feel like the dark side of me is taking over and all the good things that loved about myself, are nothing but persona that belongs behind the door. I run and this time im running from something that i fear loosing.

How did i get here? Oh! The smell. I'm sick of the smell of my filth and depression that each time i discover anew and each time i unintentionally feel safe with their disgusting familiarity. I've decided to change. A thousand times i decided to take a shower, wear an eyeliner and go meet new people and do new experiences. Let's do that again, shall we? A new defeated decision on top of all others. Won't hurt much.
Take a shower, wear something you like and an eyeliner and get the f out for at least two hours. So i did it. I opened the door and feel it. The fresh air and the persona that came running to kiss me on the face.

Took the stairs and right near the exit, saw someone pinning a flier on the board. "Empty room in a cozy house. Call to talk terms." And a phone number right below it from a Chris-named person.

Then i remembered that i left to socialize a little bit. So i turned to talk to the guy with the flier. I turned and like any other himan being that turns with the sense of probabality of being talked to, he turned to.
We exchanged smiles and i asked:"Are you Chris?"
He answered as he stretched his hand for a handshake. "No. I'm Jungkook. Nice to meet you"
"Danya here. Nice to meet you too."
Those little nusances of social interactions. My persona loves them. Like a little golden retriever that loves being pet by new people, my petsona loves to watch new people. The way his body did a little turn when i came close to read the flier; the way he did the polite stranger smile; the way he firmly did a handshake; the non-consistant and friendly eye contanct; and a nice human voice.
But no. Don't mistake me please. I'm not in love or i didn't stare at him to make all of these analysis. I'm also not a robot. I simply am experincing a human-contact deficit. Talking to this dude counts as it, so i intended to keep a conversation.
"I think i'd like to live in a house for an exchange. Kinda tired of the dorm life."
He raised eyebrows and laughed. "Tired of dorm life? I miss if like a what! All the party and all nighters."
"Yeah but i've been a little in my shell recently and didn't enjoy the dorm life."
He bowes back a little and moved his hands as a sign of performative frustration. "Ugh. You missed a lot girl. Living in a house is fun but I regret leaving here."
I could sense this is almost the end of the discussion. But gotta make it through this two hours that i said. Gotta say, i was probably keeping it going with guy so that i could fulfill me promise to self, without actually leaving the dorm. Even knowing it, i wanted to keep talking.
"Um. So, what about this flier. This is not good advertisment for this Chris guy that Jungkook is doing his work."

Jungkook laughed hard while going down a little. At least the same height now and i can rest my neck. Dude's tall!
"Yeah tell it to him." Then stopped laughing, just as many do so that they wouldn't look too cheerfull (you know it's a social sin to show too much excitement, right?). "But for real tho, Chris is awesome. I was his roommate for 3 years. If your looking for a room to leave dorm, call him before the room is gone. You won't regret it."
A gave a long hmmm. "I'm sold. I'll call right away". i said as i took my phone out.
"Then tell him i said hi. Nice to meet you Danya. See you later"
I did a handwave and a friendly goodbye. Another one of those devided moments where i want to keep something and want to run from it simolteniously. I'm relieved that he left and yet, i feel i wanted to talk more. But what if i talk for long with this chris guy and do the talking while i'm walking in the campus? Now that's a self-fullfilling prophecy! This way i have took my persona for a walk around and did not go too far from my room.
But the things didn't plan as i intended. The call ended too soon as he said he has time to meet for the talk and i can come over. Devided again. Go to Chris's house and talk and them ghost him but have a long walk to dorm and stay outside for more than that two hours? Or just say you can't come and go back to my shell? The hell with it. Let's go see some people; This stranger called Chris, in this case.