Kynlyn's POV
"So, this is what you're accepting? A nigga that's going to walk all over you as long as you'll let him? Really, Kyn?! Don't blow me."
I sit silently feeling the tears run down my cheeks onto my chest as my sister pace back and forth in front of me. I feel like I've heard this same song a million times and no matter how much it stings, it never resonates with me well.
"Do you hear me talking to you?" Dia waves her hand at me.
"Yes, Di. I hear you. I just don't know what to say. I know this shit isn't good for me. But how am I supposed to just let go when my heart is with this nigga?"
"Fier does not love you! And he's made that clear time and time again and every time you let him back in then he does you dirt. And I have to see you go through the same process again. I love you Kyn and you know I'm never going to judge you, BUT something has to give. This motherfucka is not meant for you."
The more Dia talks, the weaker my heart becomes. And I know its because everything she's spitting is facts. Why am I like this? I think to myself.
"And you're so afraid of being abandoned by people when its you who people should be afraid of losing. And I hate that you don't see that. I hate that everyone who were supposed to be here for us when we were younger weren't because now that I'm older, I realize that fear stems from our childhood."
Dia voice cracks and I stand holding my arms out to her. She pulls me in tightly and we cry with each other. I try to push my childhood out of my mind the second it tries to pop up.
Everyone tells me it's unhealthy and I should confront all the emotions I have bottled up but I'd rather not. I don't necessarily hate my mom but to hell with her. I can't sympathize with someone who chose to pack up and desert her own children because things became "too hard". Miss me with it.
Dia pulls back some and looks me straight in the face. My heart breaks a bit as I stare into her glossy eyes.
"I love you Kyn. I know you try to hold on tightly to every bond you create with someone because you don't handle the fear of being left alone well. And we both know who's responsible for that. But I'm here, sis. This hurts me too, like. It fucking sucks seeing my baby sister be walked all over and feeling like there's nothing I can do about it."
"I know and I hate that I'm letting you down. I hate disappointing you. Hell, I hate disappointing myself! I don't know why my brain functions the way it does or why I'm so willing to go through hell just to have someone that I know deep down isn't good for me."
"I'm not disappointed in you. I'm just angry for you about this sorry ass boy who's taking advantage of you. You can't keep doing the same things repeatedly or you're going to keep getting this same result, Kyn. You're so deserving of everything good and REAL. And I'm sorry but Fier is not any of that."
I wipe my face feeling my puffy eyes start to sting a little. I've been crying for far too long. This is so unfair to me. Fier used to be so good to me... until he wasn't. Ending things is starting to feel inevitable to me now. I know its the right thing to do but my mind and heart just aren't synched together yet so its difficult to put into action.
"Dia, I don't know how to end things. What do I say?"
"It should be face to face if you're comfortable with that so he can't dub you and so he can see how serious you are. You should be honest about how he's made you feel and why you don't want to be with him anymore. It doesn't have to be a speech, just quick and honest."
Grabbing my phone, I unlock it and scroll to Fier's name. I look at the messages he last sent before sighing, completely conflicted about everything. My relationship with Fier has been unstable for the past year or so. We've been on and off on a regular basis but I'm starting to realize that this isn't normal. This isn't what healthy couples do. A part of me sees the potential in him, but I have been refusing to see him for who he is truly.
'We need to talk. Link up tomorrow?' I send the text and sit my phone on my bed. Dia gives me one more hug before leaving my room and I stand there in silence, afraid but also fed up.
This has to stop. You have to choose yourself Kyn. No more excuses, no more lies, no more trying to see the good in this man when he's shown you every other way about him but good.
