Princess | Kim Jiwoong

Chapter 21 : Done playing a puppet

She said she loved me.

It was not the first time she said so. The last time she uttered these words, in that roadside night forest, I could tell from a single glance that it was a complete lie.

However, this was different.

Her doe eyes that are twinkling in this dimly litted room, are looking me with such...adoration. Should I call it affection? The sincerity in her gaze was undeniable.

I could see my refelection in her pupils.
They seemed dialated. I read that happens- when you look at something pleasant.

He soft and delicate palms that are cupping my cheeks are telling me that they are holding something delicate something they don't want to lose hold of... Something... Precious.

Her eager lips, which previously uttered these enchanting words
" I love you" is telling me they have more words of affection they are anxious to pour on me.  Her voice, laced with deep emotion, enchanted me.

The rosy red complexion on her cheeks is telling me the person that is in front of her, is making her heart race.
  The thumping sound of her heart beating continues to reaffirm my assumption.

But, Why am I doubting it?
Why would I doubt it?

No actually, Now that I think about it again... Why wouldn't I?

Doubt. 
I hate to admit it. I don't want to admit it but...
Yes, I doubt it.

The more you yearn to achieve something, the more skeptical you get about its authenticity.

" Why aren't you saying anything? "

Her voice brought me back from my complexing internal battle.

I took a deep breath, summoning the courage to voice my fears.

" Hana, I adore you so much that I'm.... afraid... that your declaration of love might be merely a facade, an illusion that might shatter at any moment. Perhaphs it is my self-doubt and my stupid insecurity that has etched this pattern of skepticism within me. I'm ashamed of myself for not fully trusting your loving words."

My voice trembled here and there as I
kept searching her face for her reaction.

I could've just gone along with this feeling of disbelief, paying no attention to this stinging feeling. Giving in to her words would've been tbe easy way out,

However, I chose honesty over pretense. Sincerety over comforting lies.

" I want to be genuine with my emotions, even if it means exposing my vulnerability and inner turmoil."

All this time she watched over me, not uttering a single word. Like a green plant absorbing sunlight. It was not indefference. She was giving me the space I needed to articulate my feelings.

The smile that tugged at the corner of her lips was like a silent confession. It was as if she had been caught at the act, as if her mask has been shattered.

" You're right. I'm guilty as charged. Guilty of being dishonest. I-"

Almost instinctly, I caressed her back, drawing circles at an attempt to comfort her.

" It's okay. Not loving someone is not a crime"

The statement held the undeniable truth that a person's feelings can never be forced or manipulated.
  We might be husband and wife, partners in marriage, future partners in administrating a country... But that doesn't mean she ought to be madly in love with me.
   This is real life... Not a fanfiction with an arranged marriege trope, where by sheer coincidence, the two characters who are unwilling to even look at each other at first, aways turns out to be destined soulmates.
Indeed, there are plently of people who are not quite... in love with their spouse.

" I admit I was anything but honest. It might seem like an excuse now but... I was afraid your feeling for me would diminish if I didn't reciprocate immediately. I felt the need to give you some sort of reassurance because... I - I'm trying to learn... Learn to love."

I felt a sparkle of hope igniting a flame within me, fueling my belief in our future together. The possibility of my love learning to love me, filled my heart with a renewed sense of purpose and determination.

" As long as you don't find my sight unbearing to behold in your eyes, as long as you don't condemn me for being your marriege partner and ruining your chance at an astonishing romance, As long as you don't... hate me, I'm willing to do anything and everything at your service."

Its strange. I always found it hard to express my innermost thoughts clearly. For rhey had to be always locked inside, shrouded in silence.

In my great astonishment, today, this moment, was an wonderful exception.
I was struck by how at ease I felt when the words kept flowing effortlessly. She enables me to express myself in a crystal clear way I never deemed possible.

" How could I condemn you when you've been nothing but patient and kind with me? I feel ashamed that this foolish girl still didn't love you.  " 

There was a hint of regret in her eyes and a furrowed brow that showed her inner turmoil.

" Love is complex and it unfolds in its own time. I'm willing to be patient because you're worth every second of wait."

I brought my lips to her forehead, placing a gentle kiss and I paused. She closed her eyes. I hope it is her act of surrendering to the tenderness of the gesture.

My pause lingered, I wanted my actions to convey the depth of my understanding.

°°°

I closed my eyes, letting myself get enguled in the deep waters of a sudden wave of sorrow.

How do I tell you that I do not love you because you are unworthy of love, but because I do not deserve to love you. Not when I've been deceiving you.

I still do not know what is Hao's grand plan. It could be anything. He expects me to withdraw from this deceptive marriage and run away right after my role is done. Even though, he is my sibling of blood, I can never guess his intentions.

I tugged at the fabric of his shirt. He pulled away from his gentle kiss, his gaze lowered from my forehead to my face.

Maybe I should just come clean. Will he continue to love me? Will his love be able to withstand the gravity of my deception?

I want to say so many things but the words are caught in my throat, struck by the conflicting desire to live through this moment longer.

For now, I only kiss him. That can make me empty my mind... Just for the time being. His warmth can drive away all the worries.

This kiss was filled with a different kind of tenderness. The touch of my lips with his wasn’t meant to kindle passion, but rather to offer a silent reassurance, a silent promise.

All the heaviness that burdened my heart seemed to lessen, if only for a few precious second.

°°°

Gentle rustling of leaves played a soft natural melody in the serene darkness. The scent of blooming flowers, intensified by the cool night breeze, filled the air, wrapping around the space with a subtle, sweet fragrance.

Perhaphs this splendid garden played a part in the gush of realization that hit me with a wave of determination.

It was a decision born out of a firce resolve to break away from the strings that controlled her actions. I do not know the consequences, I do not know how far Hao is willing to go to get his "revenge".

But I'm done playing a puppet.

I'll make sure to either cut off the strings that bound me or cut off the hands that control the strings.

I will put an end to this.