I tried to kill myself on Sunday past, but I had had enough... the good streak ended. And it turns out I hadn't mended.
I need you to listen to me.
Kayleigh, you need to calm down.
I'd gotten so used to my struggles and them being brushed aside, with no weight.
It all gets to the point inside I'm reaching my limit,
then being dismissed into submission, till the next time.
The girl that cried wolf.
Listen to me, I'm leaving you!
No, you're not leaving. And I'm not leaving.
No choices
So many times, my life has been in my hands, balancing side to side. On a knife's edge.
I don't need saving this time, I just need him to listen.
I don't want to entertain his dynamic, but here we have it.
Here comes the thrilling and romantic notation of a hero!
A saviour.
My saviour...
My husband.
The one that will defuse me and will take me at my ugly.
Family need never know that it was all for show.
He's the one that gets all the praises,
and he raises me up just to let me fall.
Who talks in mazes till I don't know why.
I'm not happy. Why can't he see I'm dying inside... to be free
I can hear it! My family's inner monologue.
It's just a synopsis.
They would never share whars on their chest,
it hurts, to be honest.
They'll settle for gossip instead.
They like to think while they drink. The reason I try to leave him is because my mind isn't quite right.
They've never thought to ask what it's like in my head.
I'm different, but I'm sound of mind.
Why can't they see I'm having to raise my voice to speak
It must be coming out muffled because they'll still think 'it's just me'
Why does she want to leave him?
They know him to be my only family who ever gets to see my darkness,
And He's the one that cries when I get another diagnosis.
It's sad when I realised that for months, I'd done all that I could.
You see I'd made a plan. Everyone will see
- my friends and family
That I'm busy out performing the old me.
Doing all the things.
With no break, recourse, discussion, or connection.
Maybe then they'll see it's not me being me.
No result, I have to make a decision.
Tell him what I want, hopefully this time he'll listen.
False hope and let down again.
I pick up my pen.
My hopes and dreams for my sons, grown men to be
Let them know I couldn't breathe.
Hope that they never hate me
Goodbye, because my end is nigh.
I lay down with a sigh
It's time for no more lies.
I felt the truth hit. The silence in that one moment.
I'd accepted it
The Morphine hit...
Wake up with jump, ambulance, bloods and disappointment
It never worked for me, but is that lucky?
DBI gives me the chance to breathe.
This is what it is like to tell someone what I need?
How couldn't I see I'd been drowning?
Not met with support, understanding, or validation.
Stranger on the phone
'Anyone would struggle Kayleigh, I'm here to listen'
Being everybody's hero, with a smile on my mouth.
Inside, my brain is burning out.
Constantly met with it not ever being enough. Wish sometimes it was only just tough
Contending with only myself,
I'm just trying to do better
