You Cannot Blame

Ch 2 Mulling over

The other day on my way to the internship I was mulling over the letter. what if it's not an antic after all? What if it's all true? What if I am the one to blame? That day I couldn't focus on my work at all.

Hey. Hey, hey! Are you listening? Iris said while looking at me with a lot of questions in her mind. You were spacing out the whole day. Is there any problem? You know you can tell after all we are besties?

Oh, it's nothing, just having mood swings I said looking down, dodging the question. Do I need to dodge? it's not like something significant after all. it's neither a threat nor a warning either.

If you don't want to tell me that's ok. Just tell me if you need any help. Who am I kidding? she knows me very well ever since we were kids.

The files that I worked on that day looked very unkempt and my mood was relatively more awful than ever. I went home early that day. Damn, I can't think of anything else other than that letter.

Concerned about me Iris takes off with me. We went to a bookstore as I love to read.
You don't have to worry about me.
Who else should I be worried about then? Iris worded while grabbing the book from the shelf next to me.

Iris is an orphan and she doesn't have any brothers or siblings. But she does consider me her best friend more like of little sister maybe and so do I.

Well, you see I received a letter yesterday. I told her the content written in it.

If it's bothering you that much why don't you go and unveil it for yourself?

I was afraid of that exact thing she said. Afraid to know what if it's true, would I be able to forgive myself for such atrocity? that I didn't even bother searching for the truth. I don't know.

I was thinking that while she said you will never know until you try at least that's for sure, though it sometimes becomes very hard maybe the result might not be worth it, but you would know for sure whether you were right all along or not.

Listening to her word gave me the push I needed to leap into it. She has always been like that she encourages me to do things that are good for my sanity. My mood pilfered a bit.

We parted ways at the station.

I took a bus from thereon. I was still in a stupor and don't know where to start or what should I do about all this. This unsettling feeling of mine won't leave me alone. I have to know, I want to know. The bus stopped and I got off.

The sun was still up over my head, so bright felt like it was scorching me. I went home as quickly as possible.

Laying down in my comfortable clothes on the bed I glanced at the letter at my desk not wanting to get up for a while, and I slept for about an hour, I heard some commotion was talking I woke up and made my way to the hallway. It was Grandma and the wardens they were talking about their wages. They stopped talking as soon as they became aware of my presence.

Oh! Ericka dear I didn't know you were awake she said while looking at me and waving at the warden conveying that the talk was dismissed for now and they walked away from the gate. There were five of them.

You are early today? Is everything alright?
Yes. I was just feeling a little dizzy that's all, I said while looking down at her wheelchair.
Want to eat lunch with your grandma she said Looking very concerned about me   
No, I already had it on my way and don't worry I'll be fine after I take some rest.

I stood there mindlessly looking lost in my thoughts. She noticed, Is there something on your mind?

 Um, I just wanted to know if anybody entered my room yesterday while I was away.

Maybe you should ask the maids about it, who did the cleaning in your room yesterday? If something is misplaced, you can tell me ill punish them for you.

Grandma!, I said making a happy and angry face as she was teasing her she loves to tease me.
 
I was just kidding.

After that Grandma went into her room for some rest.

I asked the maids in the mansion if they know who cleaned the room yesterday but even if they have cleaned nobody knows about the letter or who kept it in my room.

As the night fell I kept on thinking, I don't want to dig into the past it would hurt not only me but also some people around me

But what hurts more is not knowing the truth.